Note: this was my second post of all time. I’m serving it up cold for you today. It’s called:
The Pee Pee Dance
‘Tis Wednesday, when I serve up some words with international flavor, or anything that has to do with the world. Like atlas’. Or thumbs. Most people in the world have thumbs.
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We were touring the Vatican. Two of my sisters, my older cousin, and me. My neck hurt from trying to decipher which statue was Saint Luke, my favorite apostle. But frankly, all the statues looked the same when they are 450 ft. above you. We’d been walking all day, but were hastening to the courtyard so we could be blessed by the Pope. I’ve never been one to turn down a free blessing.
Our eyes suddenly caught on a woman. She was standing in line. The line of all lines. The one to the bathroom. Now, if you’ve ever been to a major sightseeing location, you know that you can never ever just walk into a bathroom stall. You must wait. That’s why I recommend using adult diapers if you’re serious about keeping an itinerary! Anyways, this woman had her hair in a beautiful chignon, wore a black tailored skirt suit, patent leather heels, and she was doing the pee pee dance.
Oh you know the dance!
knees together, shift from side to side, clenched buttocks, eyes frantic and watering, and (if you’re under the age of 6) hands grabbing crotch, or (if you’re older than 6) hands trying not to grab your crotch in an effort to stop the impending horror story from becoming a reality.
My cousin laughed and said, “The pee pee dance in the same in every language.”
Wise words.
Everyone’s done the pee pee dance a few dozen times in their lives. It’s something that unites us all.
I mean, it doesn’t matter who you are . . . if the stall is closed the stall is closed. And it doesn’t matter how rich, powerful, beautiful, or infamous you are . . . if ya gotta go ya gotta go!
They better wrap this up in like, five seconds or I’m gonna pee my pants on live TV.
Seriously? A line that long at the Oscar’s?
OMG! Too late!
Gotta pee so bad I- oh NO! I really hope this is just a dream.
The pee pee dance kinda reminds me of the fable of King Canute of England. Every day, people lavished praise on him.”You are the most powerful person on the earth.” “Everything you say comes to pass.” “Your wisdom is unbound.” “The world is at your command.” . . . but one day King Canute got tired of hearing it all.
“Do you really think I’m all powerful?” he asked his advisors.
“Yes! Everything is under your command, my liege.”
“Humph,” he said. “Come to the sea with me.” So the advisors, the servants, and King Canute went to the sea, where they set his chair right beside the coming tide.
He looked at the waves, “I order you to halt!”
Everyone was silent, except for the waves breaking against the sand.
“Tide!” he said. “I order you to go back into the sea!” But the tides just splashed against his royal robes. He looked at the advisors, and said, “that’s what I call case and point, hommies.” (or said something to that effect)
So, remember that the rulers & celebrities of the world are only as powerful as the person standing before them in the bathroom line. All must dance before the great, closed, stall door.
Today, I have artist extraordinaire Ben Cooper on my site. He has music coming out his pores. Want proof? He’s musician/songwriter/composer for Radical Face, Electronic President, Iron Orchestra, Mother’s Basement, AND Patients. But simply being in five bands does not an artist make. No, this man is it. Whatever IT means to you, he is.
If I could describe his music in one word: childlike. If I could describe his music in two words: soul mending. If I could describe his music in three words: raw talent explosion.
I want his music playing the moment I die, it gives me such peace. It’s both ethereal and gritty, authentic and breathtaking. Good dancing music, too. Especially if you’re on an old abandoned bridge in the moonlight with your lover.
But don’t take my word for it. Just watch this video.
Now put your grubby paws together and welcome the one and only Ben Cooper!
Ellie Ann: Hi Ben. Let’s start with a game (just like they always do at Summer Camp) to get us relaxed (or really uncomfortable, depending on whether you like games or not).
I’ll show you an image and you say the first things that come to your head:
Ben Cooper: “I regret nothing.”
Ben Cooper: “Despite my appearance, I am not joking.”
Ben Cooper: “This would be a nice place to sit and write.”
Ben Cooper: “I’m glad they have a fire extinguisher in case a fire breaks out.”
Ellie Ann:
Now lets start with a few easy questions:
What instrument do you play?
Have long have you played said instrument?
What are your favorite instruments to work with?
Ben Cooper: I play a number of instruments, with varying degrees of success. Guitar is my main instrument, then bass, pianos/keyboards, drums/percussion, banjo, accordion, and everything after that I really just make noise with.
I’ve been playing guitar for 17 years now. As for favorites, I never tire of the sound of acoustic guitars, pianos, strings and voices. There are lots of others I enjoy, but I imagine those 4 will always be staples.
Ellie Ann: I hear you don’t use real drums like rockstars do. What kind of percussion do you use?
Ben Cooper: I tend to use whatever is around. Anything you can hit is percussion, so I just use my surroundings. I sometimes use drum sets, but that’s more when I feel the song really calls for it than a default.
Ellie Ann: I can’t say this about many music artists, but I literally can’t pick a favorite of your songs, too many good ones to choose from. Do you have a strong connection to one or two of them, or are they like your children in that you don’t have a favorite?
Ben Cooper: Thank you. I take that as a high compliment. And it’s definitely the latter. Anything that makes it to a record I put about the same amount of effort into. So no real favorites.
Ellie Ann: In your album THE FAMILY TREE, you write about a family called the Northcotes, living in the 1800’s. You write their story in fierce and beautiful ballads, so detailed and emotion I feel connected to them. The music forms a strong atmosphere as well. It is what some people call a “concept record.” I find this awesome, and tip my hat to you as a storyteller. This is not a question. Just a statement of fact: THE FAMILY TREE is a tall glass of fantastic with awesomesauce on top.
Ellie Ann: Speaking of families, tell me about yours. In one word.
Ben Cooper: Big.
Ellie Ann: Okay, that wasn’t fair. You may use more than one word. You work really closely with your family. Tell me about them, and what that’s like.
Ben Cooper: I’m one of 10 children, and I’m really close with most of my family. We’re all friends at this point, despite being related. None of us are very much alike, but we’ve never been an argumentative bunch.
I think growing up around so many different people was a huge help. I’ve never had trouble accepting differences in people. I expect them, and enjoy and appreciate them. I don’t know if I’d feel this way had there not been 12 of us crammed into a 3 bedroom house.
I currently work with my older sister – she helps me with all the shipping and the web store – and two of my brothers. Micah does all my code/web based work, which is convenient, seeing as we live together, and Emeral is a musician. We have a project called Iron Orchestra and play on each other’s recordings when needed. He’s the guy I call when I’ve written something on piano that I can’t actually play.
Ellie Ann: One of your brothers is named Emerald. Your name is Ben. Is that short for Beryl? Be honest.
Ben Cooper: Hahaha. Nope. Short for Benjamin. Nothing fancy. And it’s just Emeral, without the D.
Note: Emeral, I am extra sorry for reading your name wrong so many times. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. p.s. cool name
Ellie Ann: As I writer, I’m trained to not wait for inspiration. I should put words on the paper every day whether I feel like it or not, and inspiration will come. Is songwriting the same way? Some days it’s work, but other days you feel it gush out your soul?
Ben Cooper: I play music everyday, but I don’t write music everyday. I can’t force songwriting. I have the ideas or I don’t. But I definitely have days where it all just pours out.
I think the speed record for me is I went from an idea for a song to a finished recording in about 5 hours. Granted, it was a simple track, but for whatever reason I knew exactly what it was going to be. Those moments are always pretty special. They don’t happen often.
Ellie Ann: What’s your favorite game?
Ben Cooper: If you mean video games, then it would be hard for me to pick. I’ve always played competitive games as a hobby. I still travel to tournaments for fighting games, actually. But some favorites would be: Street Fighter 3: 3rd Strike, Counter Strike, Warcraft 3, Unreal Tournament ’99, Team Fortress 2. For non-competitive: Final Fantasy 3, Super Metroid, Tetris Attack, Super Mario World … actually, I’ll just stop talking. I could ramble on. I like video games a lot.
Ellie Ann: Word on the street is that you record in a shed.
Ben Cooper: Yep. It’s behind my mom’s house. It’s where I’ve made all my records. It was once a wooden one-car garage. These days it’s half recording studio, half laundry room/tool shed.
Ellie Ann: In your debut album, GHOST, there is a bird that sings with you. Did you ever recompense the bird? Why isn’t she still singing with you today? Did you two split ways in a friendly manner? Also, are you still playing on that creaky chair you feature in “Along The Road”?
Ben Cooper: The bird is gone. There was a nest there for a little while, but after about a month I didn’t hear her anymore. That chair is gone as well. I threw it away after finishing that song. It mostly drove me crazy. I gave it a moment of spotlight, then laid it to rest.
Ellie Ann: In GHOST, you write about abandoned houses and ghosts. Do you actually know any ghosts, or are you just writing from hearsay?
Ben Cooper: I use the word very loosely, so it’s not really either. Just some crap I make up, so I can have a roundabout way of talking about things both fascinating to me and personal.
Ellie Ann: I hear you like soundtracks. Who are some of your favorite composers, and what are some of your favorite scores?
Ben Cooper: I love them. I think I listen to more instrumental music than anything else.
Some composers I really like on the classical end are Chopin, Debussy, Liszt, Brahms, Saint Seans, Stravinsky, Beethoven. For scores, some favorites are “Amelie” (Yann Tiersen), “The Piano” (Michael Nyman), “Birth” (Alexandre Desplat), “The Land Before Time” (James Horner). I also really like modern folks like Max Richter, Rachel’s, and Johann Johannsson.
There are more, but again, I could just ramble on.
Ellie Ann: hypothetical question. I am corporate record mogul Mr. Walton L. Monstanto, and I come to you with a proposal: I’ll pay you a half-million dollars per year to write songs for Katy Perry, but I own all of your intellectual property and you have no say in how the songs turn out. Also, you can’t come out with any records of your own for the next 7 years. But come on! Money!
What do you say?
Ben Cooper: No deal. The only reason I’d want the money is to continue making music. If I had to give up making the stuff I care about, and the ability to explore and release my own work, I’d rather just do something else entirely.
Ellie Ann: You open your heart in your music, your creation connects to people’s souls. Your reviews say things like, “everything he touches turns to gold.” “greatest album I’ve ever heard.” “this album brought me to tears.” “the layers are stunning.” “wildly brilliant.” “his music speaks to you.” “he gets to you.”(these are just a few of the hundreds of reviews like this).
You connect with people through music. Is it a gift? An art? Tell me about these invisible wires you create through sound.
Ben Cooper: It’s all a bit of a mystery to me. Because if I’m totally honest here, I’m selfish about this stuff. I really just make what matters to me the most at the time. I don’t consider the listener when I’m making a record. I’ve never made music with an audience in mind, and I don’t fret over the reception. Because I’m going to make all this stuff regardless. Not because I hold some delusion that it’s important or matters very much, but because I’m happier when I’m making it than when I’m not. This is not to say it isn’t exciting to hear that people are getting something from the music, but that isn’t the reason I make it.
I wish I had a more noble or thoughtful answer than that, but I don’t. Not if I’m being honest.
Ellie Ann: Tell me about what’s on your horizon. What are your hopes? Dreams?
Ben Cooper: Well, I’m about to release a record I made with a friend of mine called “Clone”, and I’m working on the next record in the Family Tree set. I’ve also been working on some music videos for the various projects, and starting post for a movie I shot with some friends.
As for my hopes and dreams, I just want to continue making things as long as I can. I never really know where I’m going with them, so I always just hope I have enough time to find out. Beyond that, I really don’t know.
She’s also an incredibly talented writer and blogger and I can’t wait to get my grubby hands on her book! She’s gonna stun the world with her brilliance.
She’s makes a good day gooder, and a bad day better.
She’ll make you smile whether you want to or not.
I’m thrilled to be at Teachers and Twits. I’m definitely of the twit variety, as my upper arm strength rivals that of a Tyrannosaurus Rex (my biceps are useless, I tell you. Useless!) And I’ve learned so many good lessons here I should be paying her tuition. Renee’s a sage of our time.
Speaking of sages of our time, I wrote about a super serious topic for her, it involves colors of the wind and my favorite Disney princess EVER: Pocahontas. It’s about being an ignoramus and walking two moons.
I believe that from the bottom of my heart. Even you in the back with orange Cheeto fingerprints on your shirt. You all have a story to tell and a huge imagination. Yes, even you who organizes your freezer food in alphabetical order and uses umbrellas during perfectly healthy rainstorms.
So now it’s your turn!
I’m going to give you a topic, and you make up a tall tale for it.
Of course, to start out you need a name:
SAILOR SIM
(this is not an actual picture of Sailor Sim. Sailor Sim might be a girl. Or a baby rhino. It’s up to you what Sailor Sim becomes)
Now you DON’T need any boundaries, for what else are tall tales for than to let your imagination soar out of the coral?
But if your imagination wants a little kick in the pants, here’s a topic for you:
FRUITS AND VEGETABLES
My three favorite tall tales win an award!
I’ll send you personal letter to your home or RV park with a handwritten tall tale about you, as thanks for your wonderfully entertaining tale.
The winners will be announced next Tall Tale Tuesday. This contest is also open until next Tall Tale Tuesday (in 14 days time). But please keep the tales concise.
Now create! Tell a tale! Make up lies! Entertain us!
My sister’s on her last month of pregnancy. She’s going mad, of course, as all pregnant women do (in the most adorable sort of way, of course). If they’re not mad by the sixth week, guaranteed they’ll be mad by their thirty-sixth.
One of the things that drives them to this madness is the advice.
It’s like people see a pregnant belly and proverbs start bursting from their lips uncontrollably (“Read books to your belly everyday, the sound of your voice soothes them and makes them smarter.” -uhhhh, does watching 3 seasons of Veronica Mars in 5 days work instead?)
Either they give you proverbs, or prophecies.
I’ve had people walk up to me on the street and tell me what gender my baby was going to be. What the?! How do they know? (btw, one guess was right, the other was wrong. 50/50) The only gender prediction story I’ve heard of that would work 100% of the time was a gypsy doctor who would tell the parents what gender they were having, then write the opposite gender in his record, and if he was wrong they’d come back for their money back but he’d show them on his record that his predictions as true. LoL. THAT works!
But during the end of pregnancy, when you can’t see your toes, can’t put on your own shoes, your belly button looks like a third nipple, your breasts grew five sizes overnight (not to mention your thighs), you can’t sleep, you can’t put your knees together, and you can’t stop eating scotcheroos . . . during that time, people start giving you suggestions on how to go into labor. It must be out of pity or something because it comes from EVERYWHERE.
The cashier: If you eat watermelon you’ll go into labor. My baby was late, I ate half a watermelon, and when I swallowed the last bite my water broke.
Your mother in law: Cleaning house will put you in labor. It’s as if your baby knows that it has a clean home to go back to.
Your friend: Go walking.
Your acquaintance: Go running.
Your husband: Relax.
An old lady at church: Have sex. After every meal.
Another old lady at church: Make your husband take you for a ride on Thomason Drive, the bumpiest street in town. Contractions will start by the end of it!
Bag lady: 10 CUPS OF COFFEE AND RUB TEA TREE OIL IN YOUR NETHER REGIONS. ALSO, MCDONALD’S FRENCH FRIES!
Doctor: drink castor oil.
other Doctor: drink castor oil in orange juice.
other other Doctor: put castor oil over ice cream.
other other other Doctor: give yourself an enema.
A college student: I got a kidney stone and felt like I was in labor. You could try that.
A model: Do the splits.
Ninjas parachuting from the sky: climb the mountain of your deepest desire at at the summit, the baby will be waiting.
–
okay, okay, okay. So no ninjas falling from the sky actually told me that. But only one person told me, “the baby will come when it’s ready to come. Just try to enjoy this time you have.” And that person is my BEST FRIEND for life.
So, I guess I’m of the old fashioned belief that you can’t choose the day your baby comes.
So the next time you see a waddling, puffy, bleary eyed 8-month pregnant lady, do her a favor and keep the spontaneous advice to yourself. However, back rubs and foot rubs are ALWAYS welcome.
It’s the old Monty Python hospital skit.
“And get the machine that goes BING!”
–
Here are some posts about motherhood I’ve greatly enjoyed lately:
Of Goop and Gwyneth by Paige Kellerman “I’m a little frazzled from Mother’s Day and relied on spell check to write two-thirds of this post.”
A Yo Ma by Blaria (on the TIME’S breastfeeding cover) “Anyway, why did Time mention any other article on the cover? Like someone was going to pick up the magazine and totally disregard the boob shot and go, “Finally someone is writing about cricket in America.”
Whole Eating: Baby Stepping Into Change by Myndi Shafer “ I feel legitimately hungry…and legitimately full. When I wake up in the morning, I’m hungry, but for food – not for a cup of coffee like before.”
And Tori Nelson talks about the ‘W’ word: waiting. Some time on a day or maybe night, between 8 am and apocalypse ” “It’ll be another day or two,” Cable Professional #3 explains. “So, Friday?,” I whine, trying to formulate an equation in which it should take three-and-a-half weeks, two companies, and a whole, scraggly gang of tech-savvy men in hats to plug in a television.”
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Have anything to share about pregnancy/parenting advice you’ve received?
Rearrange all the cords behind their television and unplug every one, and don’t forget to tangle their computer cords. Sometimes touching their cords at all is enough to make them hate you.
#2:
Walk up and ask, “Hey, do you know when the new Star Trek movie is coming out? Leia was so hot in that slave outfit, and the space bad guys had really cool jets. Do you think we could go together?” …
You’d think giving away free food to starving people is a great idea. But after more than 50 years of unsustainable food aid to developing countries, all it’s proven is that it kills the agri-system and economy of the recipient country.
And actually, the food was sent over not from a heart full of care, but a heart full of greed. Once the aid would be of more use in country than out, it stopped being shipped out.
It’s time world hunger was over. It’s time for sustainable food aid to step in.
Read my guest post about this topic at Piper Bayard’s site.
#1: If a guy you’re interested in admits to sneaking through your window and watching you sleep, “in order to protect you,” then you should call the cops. Immediately.
#2: Girlfriends are not just to hang out with when Edward is busy. Girlfriends actually help teach about healthy relationships . . . you know . . . perspective, give-and-take, conversation, all that stuff that you and Edward don’t do very well. And, when Edward runs off because he knows what’s best for you, they’re there. Unless, of course, you’ve disintegrated the relationship with them first.
#3: Get a hobby. Boyfriending is not a hobby.
PINING for boyfriend is not a hobby, either.
#4: If you start to feel depressed and suicidal when Edward leaves you, see a counselor. These are some things you might be experiencing, check all that apply:
_ You want to disengage from life.
_ You lose track of time.
_ When in dangerous scenarios, you see hallucinations of your old boyfriend.
_ You purposefully put yourself in dangerous scenarios (getting a motorcycle ride from a stranger, riding motorcycles even though you have no interest in riding motorcycles, jumping off cliffs, etc.) in order to see hallucinations of your old boyfriend.
_ You start hanging out with a new guy, before you’re even over the old guy.
If you checked one or more of the boxes, talk to a friend or counselor right away.
#5: Don’t wear a cardigan to prom. Just . . . don’t.
#6: Don’t kiss a guy you love in front of the other guy you love. It makes you all douchebags.
#7: It is not normal to be covered in bruises after you have sex. Don’t tell the guy “it’s okay, they don’t even hurt,” because even in fantasy land, since when do bruises not hurt? If you’re trying to reassure him when you’re hurt, I’d start to seek professional help.
#8: Just because a guy tells you he can’t get you pregnant, doesn’t mean it’s true. Especially if you haven’t known him that long. Especially if you don’t have medical proof. At least make the guy wear a rubber!
#9: Smile. It’s fun! It’s also attractive
#10: If a guy, any guy, tells you he’s in love with your toddler and she’s his soul mate and he doesn’t mind waiting for her then get him away from her immediately. Even in fantasy glittery unicorn land, that’s just so wrong.
The beautiful Mycroft Holmes, the stalwart Dr John Watson with a clockwork arm,
and Sherlock Holmes.
That’s right. THE Sherlock Holmes. With a lot of steampunk flair.
Steampunk Holmes
Legacy of the Nautilus
Coming to an iPad near you.
This story is created by a top-notch, ultra-talented team of transmedia storytellers. It is written by P.C. Martin. Illustrated by the illustrious Daniel Cortes, voiced by Gerald Price, marketed by the wonderful Julie Brannon, and produced by the ultra-talented Richard Monson-Haefel.
When I voiced interest, Richard was cool enough to give me a little interview on the project:
Let’s start with the hard questions: how would you define transmedia, and why are you personally drawn to it?
RMH: ”Steampunk Holmes is actually cross-media rather than transmedia. With
transmedia you are telling a single story across multiple channels.
Each channel (book, web site, twitter, call-in, etc.) delivers
different perspectives on the same story. That’s not what Steampunk
Holmes is all about. Steampunk Holmes is a cross-media story by which
I mean it tells the same story in completion using several different
channels (web book, paper books, audio books, ebook). The primary
difference is that with transmedia you are expected to engage in at
least two of the channels to fully engage the story but in cross-media
you can engage with the channel of your choice to get the whole story.”
Fill in the blank: If I am a fan of ________, then I would love Steampunk Sherlock.
RMH: “At about the same time in my life I rediscovered my love of Sherlock
Holmes as well as one of my favorite science fiction books, The Difference Engine, a book that I believe was the most important
influence in launching Steampunk. Inspired by both it seemed natural
to put them together.”
–
This is one of the best cross-media/transmedia projects I’ve seen. Actually, scratch that. It is the best. I can’t wait until it comes out!
Until then, follow their news on Facebook, Twitter, or go check out their awesome website by clicking on Sherlock’s goggles:
