Let me tell you, earthlings, about a few fables I’ve come up with about my friends:
Gene Lempp is the only human who can instantly tell the difference between a male and female sea horse, he says it’s because all females have a perturbed look on their face, which has something to do with the fact that their husbands are pregnant.
When Anne Mhairi, the famous treasure hunter, was asked to find a dead man’s chest she said, “No thank you!! I don’t like the dead. And bringing back only the chest sounds a bit messy.”
Larry Enright finally beat Flipper in a backflip competition, but only because Larry cried out, “Oh no! Sandy and Bud are in trouble!!” and thus successfully distracted the dolphin.
Amber’s such an amazing teacher that she taught an entire school of herring to bring big ships to harbor, thus putting all tug-boats out of business.
When JRD Skinner heard that an Anglerfish was terrorizing one of the norther colonies of Atlantis, he took his vorpal trident in hand (long time the manxome foe he sought) and finally, in the glow of bioluminescent rays, JRD Skinner sliced the beast’s spines and teeth off – thus making it as harmless as a goldfish.
Piper Bayard was drugged and kidnapped by a merciless band of Somalian pirates, but they greatly underestimated what can be stored in mini-skirt pockets, and were “blown away” by the AK-47 she kept in her back pocket. After jumping ship and swimming to shore, she realized her wallet fell out in the ocean, and greatly mourned the loss of her signed picture of Johnny Depp she kept in there. Luckily Nemo found the wallet and promptly returned it. Moral of the story: don’t underestimate mini skirts.
Ryne Douglas Pearson was on a deep sea fishing expedition with Annie when they were attacked by a coven of Sirens! But, as good fortune would have it, they’d just read The Complete Book of Survival: Deep Sea Edition, and knew exactly what to do: Annie covered Ryne’s ears while he sang “Monday Morning” by Fleetwood Mac – the Sirens swam away as fast as they could. Unfortunately, no one was there to cover Annie’s ears.
After thousands of years of research, Owen Fuller finally discovered a way to appease the Cracken without sacrificing a virgin every 7 years: poppyseed crackers, it seems, satisfies the Cracken just as well as a virgin blood. And every girl in the land gave a sigh of relief and learned how to make poppyseed crackers.
David Walker is best friends with a 55 yr old Bowhead Whale, and will give you a nice whale ride if you ask him politely.
When Poseidon heard about Sonia G. Medeiros’ strikingly beautiful brown eyes, he hired a water nymph to paint her portrait, which he put up in his Great Hall and it’s hanging there to this day.
The Good Greatsby recently got fired from his job on the Paradise Cruise Liners for causing a ship-wide panic when he was overheard saying, “Captain’s been eaten by the octopus who lives in the toilets, which wouldn’t be so bad if the Octopus didn’t decide to TAKE OVER AS THE SHIP’S NEW CAPTAIN!” Moral: Don’t believe everything you hear, especially if it involves a toilet-dwelling octopus.
Do you want a tall tale written about you, earthling?
Simply leave a comment with an object you would want if you were stuck on a deserted island, and you’ll get your own tall tale next Tuesday!