Tall Tale Tuesday: Under the Sea

Let me tell you, earthlings, about a few fables I’ve come up with about my friends:

Gene Lempp is the only human who can instantly tell the difference between a male and female sea horse, he says it’s because all females have a perturbed look on their face, which has something to do with the fact that their husbands are pregnant.

When Anne Mhairi, the famous treasure hunter, was asked to find a dead man’s chest she said, “No thank you!! I don’t like the dead. And bringing back only the chest sounds a bit messy.”

Larry Enright finally beat Flipper in a backflip competition, but only because Larry cried out, “Oh no! Sandy and Bud are in trouble!!” and thus successfully distracted the dolphin.

Amber’s such an amazing teacher that she taught an entire school of herring to bring big ships to harbor, thus putting all tug-boats out of business.

When JRD Skinner heard that an Anglerfish was terrorizing one of the norther colonies of Atlantis, he took his vorpal trident in hand (long time the manxome foe he sought) and finally, in the glow of bioluminescent rays, JRD Skinner sliced the beast’s spines and teeth off – thus making it as harmless as a goldfish.

Piper Bayard was drugged and kidnapped by a merciless band of Somalian pirates, but they greatly underestimated what can be stored in mini-skirt pockets, and were “blown away” by the AK-47 she kept in her back pocket. After jumping ship and swimming to shore, she realized her wallet fell out in the ocean, and greatly mourned the loss of her signed picture of Johnny Depp she kept in there. Luckily Nemo found the wallet and promptly returned it. Moral of the story: don’t underestimate mini skirts.

Ryne Douglas Pearson was on a deep sea fishing expedition with Annie when they were attacked by a coven of Sirens! But, as good fortune would have it, they’d just read The Complete Book of Survival: Deep Sea Edition, and knew exactly what to do: Annie covered Ryne’s ears while he sang “Monday Morning” by Fleetwood Mac – the Sirens swam away as fast as they could. Unfortunately, no one was there to cover Annie’s ears.

After thousands of years of research, Owen Fuller finally discovered a way to appease the Cracken without sacrificing a virgin every 7 years: poppyseed crackers, it seems, satisfies the Cracken just as well as a virgin blood. And every girl in the land gave a sigh of relief and learned how to make poppyseed crackers.

David Walker is best friends with a 55 yr old Bowhead Whale, and will give you a nice whale ride if you ask him politely.

When Poseidon heard about Sonia G. Medeiros’ strikingly beautiful brown eyes, he hired a water nymph to paint her portrait, which he put up in his Great Hall and it’s hanging there to this day.

The Good Greatsby recently got fired from his job on the Paradise Cruise Liners for causing a ship-wide panic when he was overheard saying, “Captain’s been eaten by the octopus who lives in the toilets, which wouldn’t be so bad if the Octopus didn’t decide to TAKE OVER AS THE SHIP’S NEW CAPTAIN!” Moral: Don’t believe everything you hear, especially if it involves a toilet-dwelling octopus.

Do you want a tall tale written about you, earthling?

Simply leave a comment with an object you would want if you were stuck on a deserted island, and you’ll get your own tall tale next Tuesday!

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19 Comments

  1. An acoustic guitar, that way I can sit there and play away the hours living out Jimmy Buffett songs until I’m rescued.

    Reply
  2. Nicely done Ellie :)

    Ok, deserted island…a good cooking pot.

    Reply
  3. The Library of Congress (and a mosquito net if you can squeeze it in)

    Reply
  4. I’m flattered to be mentioned. I expect this will be the start of very big things for me.

    Reply
  5. Larry Enright

     /  July 5, 2011

    What have they got? A lot of sand. I want a hot crustacean band.

    Reply
  6. Liking the new theme – very nice.

    Truth is, I look for any opportunity to use the vorpal trident I can find: can opening, yard work, gladiatorial combat…

    If I was stuck on a desert island, I’d really like a MacGyver, to get me off of it.

    Reply
  7. I love this! You are so good!

    The real story of the wallet and the miniskirt isn’t nearly so exciting. I was vacationing in Mazatlan, and I jumped out of the boat to get back to shore, which wasn’t very far away. The impact of the water turned my whole skirt inside out, and my wallet was gone. Several months after I lost it, some kind tourists found it washed up a mile from where it began its adventure and sent it back to me. Seriously, Ellie. I want to have an imagination like yours when I grow up.

    I’m not sure if a commando could rightfully be classified as an object, but that would certainly be my first pick. If I don’t get a commando, I would want Harry Potter’s well-stocked tent complete with a functioning, charged up cell phone with signal.

    Reply
  8. If I were on a deserted Island I’d want some Dharma Initiative peanut butter and John Locke’s case of knives for sure!

    Reply
  9. Fantastic!

    What would I want if trapped on a deserted island? Hmmm…gonna go with a big case of rum so that we can make pina coladas with the fresh coconuts. *does a little dance* Deserted Island Party!!!

    Reply
  10. I love it!

    If I were stuck on a desert island I would want Bear Grylls or Ray Mears otherwise I wouldn’t survive very long at all but if I had to be alone on the island than internet access and a never ending supply of batteries for my laptop. I could write and look up survival tips.

    Reply
  11. This must be a fun blog to write. Love the way you include people.

    Reply
  12. If I was stuck on a deserted island, I would need….only one thing? Really? What if I can’t choose? I’d seriously need at least 3, I’m a princess! My man, sunscreen, and rum for my island drink of choice: pina coladas!

    Great post, Ellie! You are very creative.

    Reply
  13. The first thing I thought of was that I would want my husband. Turns out that’s probably a good thing as he has Dharma Initiative peanut butter and John Locke‚Äôs case of knives!

    Reply
  14. What fun, Ellie Ann! One thing? Hmm…I’d say MACGYVER. The man could take a few shells, driftwood and sea anemones and build a bridge the heck outta there. I wouldn’t even mind the big 80s hair.

    Reply
  15. I must have missed one!!
    Love your undersea adventure!
    I would have to say a mirror because I can do so many things with it as well as keep myself looking nice for my imminent rescue!

    Reply
  16. Love talking about people and their special skills… great work!

    Reply
  17. Ooh, thought provoking. I would want my husband I suppose. Besides that, maybe a camera. Probably a lot of wildlife on the island. I’m pretending a barrel of rum washed up with me, so that the coconuts can be properly ‘seasoned’.

    Reply

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