Thilly Thursday – Ellie Ann: Deadliest Warrior

I’m a big fan of Spike’s Deadliest Warrior.

It’s a show that pits characters against each other in a fictional face-off. Josephine March vs. Stuart Little. Dobby the House Elf vs. Reepicheep. Holden Caulfield vs. the great Gatsby. No, no, no! Sorry! That’s not right. Warriors. It pits warriors of the past and present against each other in a fictional face-off.

The Deadliest Warrior?

Who Is Deadliest?

It’s actually more about deadliest weapons than deadliest warriors — because some warriors (like the Apache, Viet Cong, William Wallace, etc.) use terrain to gain their edge, and others (like Spartans, Roman Centurion, SWAT, etc.) are best when fighting with their troop, and others have a mind for military strategy (Alexander the Great, Sun Tzu, Mongols, etc.) that doesn’t always translate to one-on-one combat.

So each warrior’s short range, mid-range, long-range, and special weapons are used against human silhouette targets, mannequins, pig and cattle carcasses, human-shaped ballistics gel torsos, and in the case of the taser–REAL humans! (eek!) and their deadliness is measured against each other and one weapon is given “the edge” over the other. There’s lots of blood. Lots of guys yelling, “WHOAAA! YEEEEAAH! SICK! AWESOOOOME” And lots of very. cool. weapons.

Of course, it’s not enough for me to just be like, “Oh man, those weapons are so cool!” I have to create my own Deadliest Warrior persona.

If I had my pickings of any weapons on the show, and had to face my arch nemesis, what weapons would I choose?

Short Range

Alexander the Great’s

KOPIS

(Little known fact: Alexander the Great eats cherry pie without utensil before every battle.)

The Kopis is used for slicing/cutting. Very helpful in the kitchen, when cutting pre-battle cherry pies, and very helpful in the battlefield. In the episode, Alexander the Great vs. Attila the Hun, Kendall Groves, sword/shield specialist sliced and diced his way (while atop a horse) past 3 ginormous slabs of beef ribs and decapitated two gel warriors in 45.75 seconds.

The weapon is light, which is good because I have no upper body strength. It’s curved, which means I won’t have to be that accurate if I want to take off a limb. The ability to de-limb someone is important to me because I’m not sure I actually want to kill people … but I want to maim them if they’re about to kill me–and then take them to the authorities where they’ll be put in prison for life but get out on parole (after 23 years) a completely reformed individual with only one arm.

Runner Up: the Samurai’s Katana

Mid-Range Weapon

Spetnaz’s

SAIGA SHOTGUN

The Saiga-12 is a semiautomatic shotgun based on the Kalishnikov pattern. What is the Kalishnikov pattern, you ask? I think it’s a ballet form, but I’m not sure.

Anyways, I choose this gun because it’s light. It’s semi-automatic. It’s a shotgun so I don’t have to be extremely accurate (thus I can practice my pan flute instead of go to the shooting range everyday). And you want to know the best part? It’s very reliable. I like my guns like I like my men — reliable.

Runner up: the Shaolin Monk’s twin hooks

Long-Range Weapons

The Rajput Warrior’s

CHAKRAM

It’s basically a sharpened frisbee. So I’m thinkin’, hey! I rock at ultimate frisbee! It fact, it’s one of my favorite sports. Why not give it a deadly edge and put my talents to use? And man, that chakram is sharp! I watched it decapitate a piece of meat as if it were made of raspberry cream cheese.

And you know who else wielded a chakram? That’s right … Xena! The most warrior of all princess’. So yeah, chakram is my favorite long-distance weapon.

Oh, and auto-correct keeps changing chakram to charm which reminds me: if I happen to throw my chakram and miss … I might be able to charm my opponent to death.

Runner up: Attila the Hun’s Hunnic Composite Bow

Special Weapon

Somalian Pirate’s

RPG-7 ROCKET LAUNCHER

I like the idea of having a weapon that anything you aim at is basically destroyed.

Remember that deliciously cheesy scene in RED when John Malkovich shoots the very tip of the grenade launcher with his huge revolver and the operative explodes into a thousand tiny bits, hahaha *wipes tear* hahaha. It’s so long-distance. It’s so deadly.

Runner Up: William Wallace’s Targe

So that is my deadliest warrior arsenal. Gosh I feel deadly. And warrior-ish.

I wish I had time to practice with these weapons, but I have a pan-flute competition coming up.

Do you like Deadliest Warrior?

What weapons would you choose for your arsenal?

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9 Comments

  1. lynnkelleyauthor

     /  September 22, 2011

    I’ve never watched Deadliest Warrior, but if they can get Barney Fife in a matchup against Gomer Pyle, I’m in. Weapons of choice? Dang, that’s tough to answer. I’d need to do some serious research, but off the top of my head, if I had to gather some stuff that’s handy in the house, I’ll say a solid broom handle, minus the broom. Good for jamming up a chunky dude’s armpit. I’ve got a spray bottle of bathroom cleaner that smells like urine (for reals – like, who’s the joker that came up with that?) Spray it in their face. And a good old cowboy gun. Just my speed. So that’s pretty pathetic, but it’s after midnight and my mind turned off hours ago. I’m actually sleep blogging and won’t even remember leaving this comment. I’ll be dreamin’ of weapons and warriors and cherry pie all night. And maybe William Wallace!

    Reply
  2. Darn, you Ellie, don’t you know that I’ve already got enough stuff in my Netflix queue to rot my brain for a decade?

    Reply
  3. We’ve got two rules at the Mayberry jail. 1) No writing on the walls. 2) Obey all rules. Barney Fife.

    Reply
  4. Since my dry wit and sense of humor wouldn’t get me very far, I think the silencer would be my weapon of choice. Who would have the last laugh then! Huh?

    Reply
  5. “- but I want to maim them if they’re about to kill me–and then take them to the authorities where they’ll be put in prison for life but get out on parole (after 23 years) a completely reformed individual with only one arm.”

    I laughed loud enough to disturb my workmates with this line. This is a fun little post – I often find myself watching these sorts of ridiculous shows as “research material.” (Mmmm, Pawn Stars.)

    Reply
  6. I think Barney Fife could take them all :)

    Reply
  7. Definitely would like to roll with Barney Fife if the zombies ever came. I’m a katana man my own self.

    Reply
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