Tall Tale Tuesday: Truth & Fiction

On Lynn Kelley’s 123rd birthday, her and Napoleon Dynamite invented the cure for cancer. It’s of course rather complicated to explain, I just know it involves cloned cells and llama spit.

Q: Who is the most feared name in pirate history?

A: Blackbeard. (But only because The Dread Pirate Robert’s name was ruined after Wesley mouthed off about how each captain passed down the name)

Bonus question: Who did Wesley elect as the new Dread Pirate Roberts when he went to save Buttercup?

A: Gene Lempp, the guy with his hands on backwards and completely covered in tattoos.

Kathy Owen taught Spiderman how to stop sucking the blood out of the criminals he caught in his webs, she said it was bad for PR.

art by Gabriele Dell’Otto

Amy Stevens (Life from the Trenches) challenged Pippi Longstocking to a horse bench-pressing tournament which lasted for days until Pippi’s pirate papa found a Pegasus that was so heavy that Pippi could only bench press 4 sets and Amy could do 5. Of course, that was only after Amy had eaten her spinach.

Renee A. Schuls-Jacobson officially changed her name to Ivanna Writemore until her novel was finished.

Fairytopia was in danger of being destroyed by Glendora Fudwaters and her toxic morning breath until Susie Lindau created a mouthwash in Glendora Fudwater’s favorite flavor (orange mint) and saved her fairy colony.

Chrystal and Anne of Green Gables were bosom buddies until they took a 18 hour car ride across Canada. Chrystal said Anne got too chatty. And Anne said … well, we don’t know what Anne said as she’s stranded in a gas station somewhere in Alberta.

Robin Hood and his Merry Men were actually shunned by the peasants (even though he truly wanted to do them good), because of their tight, green woolen pants until a milliner named Eden Baylee sewed them some new outfits.

“Why won’t ze peeples let us in their homes?”

“I zink we iz kewl now, ze peeples will luv us, merci, Eden Baylee!”

Sherlock Holmes took one look at JRD Skinner and told him his age, favorite bar, how many children he has, and the last four digits of his social security number. JRD Skinner, never one to be impressed with deductive reasoning, said he could outdo him. Skinner took a DNA sample from Sherlock and a few days later said Sherlock’s father was not who he thought he was. A rather cruel thing to do, but Sherlock never lorded information over another from that day on.

When the time came, the US chose Sarah Palin as a universe embassador representing the world if only she could name all of the continents, a describe exactly what a VP does. She couldn’t do it, as it’s so easy to forget that Africa is actually a continent instead of a country. Fortunately, Tori Nelson accepted the job and is now traveling through the last frontier, going somewhere no man has gone before.

“She does know that VP’s only preside over the Senate on “ceremonial occasions,” right?”

After the last party they went to together, Tiffany A. White stole Holly Golightly’s cat. Holly didn’t even notice.

Malcom Reynolds and Inara were as happy as two bunnies in a burrow until Piper Bayard, the illustrious artists became a boarder on Serenity. They both fell in love with her, and there was more love triangle drama on board that ship than a Telenovela. Jayne adored the passionate drama and was the only one on the ship who was truly happy.

Darlene, the spirit of sleep, knows the exact moment when a sleeping baby is about to wake and so is able to soothe their mind with tranquility and peace and they fall back into a deep sleep. Want to attract her services to your house? Simply leave a bouquet of lavender beside the crib, play a humpback whale call softly out the window, get rid of all yellow ribbons in the house, and tape hot pink lipstick on the side of your house, preferably Maybelline.

Mallard Fillmore’s biggest problem has always been his ego, that’s why when he started working with David Walker and found what a good man looks like he had to eat a few slices of humble pie.

Sonia G. Medeiros is Khal Drogo’s lawyer and let me tell ya, there are a lot of litigation cases when you lead the largest khalasar horde in the DothrakiSea, own a palace in Vaes Dothrak and a nine-towered mansion in Pentos. Khal definitely doesn’t pay Sonia what she deserves.

Percy Jackson has a crush on Marilag Lubag, made evident by the way he lines her walk to school with ice sculptures, instantly refills her water bottle when he sees it depleted, and takes her swimming with his pet dolphins (until they learned she was allergic).

(picture of the first time he saw Marilag)

Do you want your own tall tale? Just leave a comment of any type of color, and in two week’s time you’ll be the STAR in your own tall tale.

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  1. Purple always calms me.

  2. This was a happy post to wake up to. You are an odd duck. As I am also an odd duck, I approve! :)

  3. Ellie Ann, you are wonderfully goofy!

    How about the absence of colour ? White.


  4. Another wonderful edition of Tall Tale Tuesday! I could use some of Glendora Fudwater’s mouthwash this morning! Hahaha!
    Periwinkle blue~

  5. HAH! This one left me laughing loud enough to disturb my co-workers. Poor Sherlock.


  6. Love it! Always brightens up my Tuesday. :D Khal Drogo definitely doesn’t pay me enough…but sometimes he makes it up in trade. LOL

    In honor of one of the characters in my MIP, I claim the color of copper.

  7. Oh, my! This may be one of your best Tall Tales, Ellie! Lynn and Napoleon – awesome! Gene and Blackbeard – love it! Kathy and Spidey – weberrific!

    And, mine? Here, Cat! I love it! I’m such a partying-klepto. LOL

    My signature color is RED. So, color of choice? There is no other.

  8. Ohh! Did I get red rashes or am I wheezing the whole time? Thanks for the Tall Tales, Ellie. I couldn’t stop smiling at everything. You made my day brighter. :-)

  9. How did you know I always wear a green hat with a feather in it and a red and black striped tie when I write?

  10. I enjoy reading your stories!! Cerulean is my color of choice.

  11. Oh you nailed me with the Jewish mother guilt! I so love your creativity with these! And to open up your page to a picture of Napolean Dynamite? Well, that is just dynamite!

    I’m definitely NOT a fuschia. Can I go that route? ;-) I bet you can make that work.

    (And *she asks very quietly* can I ask you to put the “c” in my “Schuls”? I’m having school flashbacks where no teacher or administrator ever spelled my name right. Ever. It was even spelled incorrectly on my diploma from college! — I had it fixed! Muchas gracious, Ellie Ann. ;-) )

    • EllieAnn

       /  October 18, 2011

      oh gosh! I’m SO sorry for misspelling your name. I’ve fixed it.

  12. Thanks for another fun story, Ellie Ann.

    I’ve always liked indigo. It’s the last color listed on the rainbow. Why? I want to know.

  13. My goodness me. JRD Skinner, we need to talk about this whole DNA thing. I might have a job for you…

  14. Green is my favorite flavor of Jell-O.

  15. Great job, Ellie! Love the llama spit and the rest of the off-the-wall outrageous random fun!

  16. Oops, I forgot to leave a color. It’s been a long day taking care of my adorable grandbaby. Color me pea green!

  17. Emilie G

     /  October 19, 2011

    I smelled a hint of one of Captain Hook’s pirate mates in Gene Lempp’s tale, but what’s better (or WORSE?!!) than Blackbeard, Dread Pirate Roberts, and Captain Hook’s crew in one story?

    I have a bracelet that’s the color CORAL, so that’s what I’ll go with, dear.

  18. Jess Witkins

     /  October 20, 2011

    These were some of your best stories yet. I’m so jealous over the girl who got to be in a car with Anne of Green Gables for 18 hours. Wish it were me.

    I would soothe her and let her know her hair isn’t red, it’s definitely AUBURN.

  19. Eden Rebekah

     /  October 23, 2011

    Blood Red. The most beautiful color of them all. (why do I always feel evil saying that?)
    great post!


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