Why Meth Dealers Are The Best Boyfriends

I watched two TV shows:

National Geographic’s The World’s Most Dangerous Drug

and the pilot of

Breaking Bad

The World’s Most Dangerous Drug is a documentary about meth. Breaking Bad is a fictional show about a meth dealer. They showcased two very different perspectives on meth dealers. Which one can I trust? Well, obviously I can’t trust the documentary — everyone knows they’re biased and have hidden agendas. On the other hand, fictional TV shows are based on truth and fact, and millions of people watch it so it must be good. Besides, Walter White in Breaking Bad is such a sympathetic character! I was rooting for him within the first 5 minutes of the show. I mean, he has a pregnant wife and handicapped son for goodness sake! And he’s such an underdog! I want him to win!

Based on his character, I’ve concluded that meth dealers are right nice chaps. In fact, I think I’m gonna recommend that you date meth dealers! Here are some reasons why:

They Have Money To Burn

Making meth is not hard work. So naturally it produces good results. Lots of money. So if you love money–date a meth dealer. It’s estimated that a meth dealer makes 1.02 million dollars ($813,600 is profit) with fifteen-hour workweeks and no taxes. Wow! You’d have money to burn:

You’d have money to buy cool things like this:

You’d have money to pimp your ride like this:

Or this:

Basically, you’d have enough money to do whatever the heck you wanted to. Of course, there is a little problem. Usually meth dealers don’t hold onto that money for very long. But dang, when you do have those benjamins laying around to use as book marks and Kleenexes and hair ties and for betting on turtle races, it’s a heckuva good feeling.

They Lead Exciting Lives With Lots Of Explosions

When you start dealing meth, things are always happening. You get a lot of company coming and going from your house, even folks from different countries (mostly south of the border). That’s always fun. You never know when the police are going to stop in and confiscate all your goods, which makes you all the more thankful and protective of the time you have with them. And speaking of the goods–at any moment your lab could explode in a fiery inferno and burn you to death. If that’s not an adventurous life, I don’t know what is. What girl wouldn’t want that kind of excitement?

They Have Amazing Delusions Imaginations

Oh Lordie! Those guys on meth! Once you and your boyfriend give teens their first taste of meth, just sit back and see what they come up with. They have the funnest stories!

“Honey, there are people hammering daisies into our wall.”

“Oprah is kissing David Letterman.”

“There’s a cow under the sink.”

“Someone’s shooting footballs at me from their eyes.”

“A bird’s crawling out of my thigh.”

“Aliens! Aliens are at the door! They’re reading my mind! They’ve come for my daughter!”

“That’s not the remote, it’s a gun.”

“There are bugs all over my body.”

See what I mean? You wouldn’t even need a TV! You’d never even have to leave your living room! What fun.

They’re Always Changing

Everybody likes change. 64% of affairs take place because the spouse just wants a change (and 45.76% statistics are made up on the spot) So don’t get bored with the same person. What’s cooler than dating someone that will look completely different in five months, twenty-five months, and five years? Policemen say that they can easily tell when someone’s on meth–by their “different” appearance.

(wondering why they have sores on their face? See delusion above about bugs)

It’s Not Their Fault

Now I know there’s a silly little ambiguous “moral” dilemma involved in selling drugs. And then there’s the not so little issue of it being … as some would call it … illegal. Well, real men don’t worry about such issues. I mean, what if you have cancer? What if you’re working two jobs and you’re still not able to pay the bills? What if your wife is pregnant and your son is handicapped and they’ll have a terrible future if you don’t get some extra cash around the house? There’s really no other option. People in those circumstances must sell meth. So before naysayers start griping about drug dealers and how they have no morals, please just understand that it’s not their fault–they were driven to it by their circumstances.

Drug dealers: good kids, just desperate and misunderstood.

In fact, if you want to support people like that you should start buying meth as well. After all, it’s going to a good cause.

Want to help this family? Buy meth.

Don’t just take my word for it. Watch World’s Most Dangerous Drug and Breaking Bad‘s pilot. See for yourself how much fun it would be to date a meth dealer!

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43 Comments

  1. Aanna

     /  November 3, 2011

    Oh snap

    Reply
  2. ahsan

     /  November 3, 2011

    Great I really like the work

    Reply
  3. This made me laugh and nauseous at the same time… Really? A TV show romanticizing a meth dealer? Infuriating!

    Reply
    • Romanticizing? ROMANTICIZING! Have you SEEN this show? Walter White loses everything because of his choice to cook (not deal) meth. His family falls apart. People he loves are hurt emotionally and physically. And the man himself, once an honorable upstanding citizen becomes an amoral, murdering, lying bully. If that is your idea of romanticizing something, then you should also be infuriated at George Orwell for doing so much to romanticize government-controlled societies.
      /rant

      Reply
    • EllieAnn

       /  November 3, 2011

      I’ve only seen the pilot. I wouldn’t say they romanticized meth dealers, they just showed a good man deciding to sell meth with what looked like little moral struggle. Walter seemed so naive, to believe that becoming a meth dealer would not destroy his life, to imagine that money was the only thing he’d get in return for cooking meth.

      Reply
      • I saw the pilot on Netflix a couple weeks ago, and it really is a funny premise. He’s a chemistry teacher, so he really knows how to cook meth, alright. And he makes one of his rotten loser students get on board and sell it for him…do I remember it correctly? It shows things going terribly wrong. Now, I think I will go back and watch more episodes.

        Funny, but I also saw the NG documentary on Meth, and didn’t bother watching it. Yet. heh heh. Maybe, soon. Funny post!

        Reply
  4. What a riot, Ellie! Those before/after pics really say it all, don’t they?

    Reply
    • EllieAnn

       /  November 3, 2011

      they really do! but anyone who starts doing drugs thinks, “that won’t be me.”

      Reply
  5. I know someone who has tried it and now you cannot communicate with her. She was a yoga instructor vegetarian who had a beautiful family. Now she lives with a homeless guy with no teeth, She still has lots of money and showed up with him at a fundraiser, but it’s like nobody’s home. She wears an ankle bracelet after several drunk driving arrests. I always wondered why middle aged women were the most likely to get hooked and I think in her case, it was a terrible divorce and loneliness.

    Reply
  6. I’ve interviewed many many drug addicts struggling to get clean. The way TV glamorizes the ‘high life’ isn’t helpful at all, and glossing over the consequences makes it worse. No one sets being a drug addict as a life goal. Listening to their stories is absolutely heartbreaking – and what’s worse is the hurt is never isolated to the one trapped in addiction. Thanks for sharing – I hadn’t heard of either of these shows yet.
    Lisa

    Reply
    • EllieAnn

       /  November 3, 2011

      I think that media talking about drugs is good–as long as it’s honest. I can’t imagine all the stories that you’ve heard. You’ve seen all that drugs have destroyed.

      Reply
  7. You are funny, EA, funny.

    Reply
  8. Love the picture comparisons. Nothing says “mature” like aging twenty years in one.

    Reply
  9. Seriously. Seriously, can’t stop laughing. I might have totally missed the mark when choosing a clean-cut golfer as a mate. I’ll forever have to settle for a life sans explosions!

    Reply
  10. Excellent blog. Your insightful sarcasm is worthy of Holmes. Great job. I’ll stop the next Bandito biker and get a fix for everyone in the family.

    Reply
    • EllieAnn

       /  November 4, 2011

      You’ll see a side of your family you’ve never seen before! How fun! And knowing you and your loved one’s love of firearms, you should expect many explosions to come!

      Reply
  11. There should be an app to see what you would like like if you were on meth. You know, like that ZombifyMe.Com thing.

    Maybe I’ll put Tech Support on it.

    We’ll make a skillion dollars.

    And then we can have all the meth we want. ;-)

    Reply
    • EllieAnn

       /  November 4, 2011

      Who is this Tech Support? Is he a guy that lives in your basement or something? Because he sounds very handy. Great idea! We’ll get skillions of green to stuff our mattresses with.
      Your comment made me LoL.

      Reply
  12. Yeah, those pics are scary. I’ve seen this kind of devastation from a close perspective as well. Not fun. You can bring the satire when you want eh Ellster?

    Reply
    • EllieAnn

       /  November 4, 2011

      Isn’t satire one of those Grecian fauns? What does that have to do with my post?

      Reply
  13. I like the idea of the meth photo shop thingie that Renee Jacobson suggested. I’d like to see what I look like with no teeth.

    For the record, I had no idea Breaking Bad was about a meth dealer. I’m not all that outraged, and i might even watch it now that I know what it’s about. You see, we watch Sons of Anarchy, which is about illegal arms dealers. Before that, we watched the Sopranos which was about all sorts of illegal activity. And we watch Boardwalk Empire. We like our bad guy shows.

    Great post, Ellie. You made me laugh (but in a cynical way).

    Reply
    • EllieAnn

       /  November 4, 2011

      Oh I think you’ll love Breaking Bad! It is so well made. Do you like Dexter as well? Thanks for your comment.

      Reply
  14. J H

     /  November 4, 2011

    Great post Ellie. Meth is dealy stuff for sure.

    Reply
  15. Our daugher just did an assignment on cocaine and we used a very similar photo to the ones you have showcased.

    I don’t like the car or explosions, so I’m guessing they are not a boyfriend choice for me! :)

    Reply
    • EllieAnn

       /  November 6, 2011

      I suppose you should just stick to good ol’ law abiding men, then. =)

      Reply
  16. Hilarious!

    Except for this part: “A bird’s crawling out of my thigh.” That part scared me.

    Reply
  17. SanaVd

     /  November 11, 2011

    This was so hilarious! Thank you for a wonderful read :D

    Reply
  18. Well Ellie, you’ve hit the nail on the head without much trouble, Meth addiction reverses human development back to early childhood; people lose their mindfulness, they lack distress tolerance, and they certainly lose emotional regulation. If you want to be labeled schizoaffective/schizotypal, then meth is definately the way to go.

    Reply
  19. jorda lundy

     /  January 3, 2013

    meth isnt that bad

    Reply
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