How To Be The Best Maid of Honor Ever

Last weekend I was a maid of honor at my sister’s wedding. Well, technically I was a matron of honor, but that term just sounds so . . . I don’t know, matronly. And old. Anyways, I had a lot of good ideas about how to be a good maid of honor and wanted to share my wisdom with you all.

#1: Chocolate and Comfort Food

This might be enough

This is a very stressful time for the bride.

As everyone knows, eating chocolate and other comfort foods give a rush of endorphins to the brain.

So I suggest providing bowls of chocolates, candy bars, warm cookies, chips, fried chicken, pizza, and chocolate covered strawberries for her at all times. Put them in every room of the house. Fill your purse full of them. Never run out. This is what makes the best maid of honor.

Notice her getting a little testy? Give her a chocolate bar. Is she worried because the flowers haven’t arrived yet? Fry her some chicken wings. Did she snap at someone? Offer her some chocolate milk. She can’t fall asleep? Make her some chocolate chip cookies. Is she suddenly freaking out because she can’t fit in her wedding dress and has to get it re-sized the day of the wedding? Just give her some warm baked pretzels. That’ll calm her down.

#2: Cure for Cold Feet

Sometimes the bride gets cold feet.

Just give her some warm socks or something.

#3: Cure for another form of Cold Feet

 The closer to the wedding day, the more clearer the bride will realize, “I’m gonna be with this guy FOREVER.” Usually this will induce, in the least, hesitancy . . . at the most, panic. Whatever state the bride is in, I suggest you play up the groom’s strengths when you’re around him. Really make him look good. Remind her why she decided to get hitched to him in the first place.

I suggest you walk up to the groom and tell him why he’s such a good guy, all the things he’s good at, why you respect him, and what a great lover he is. Be specific and don’t be afraid to gush. Make sure the bride can hear you tell him these things and she’ll surely lose her cold feet. Surely.

#4: Sabotage the other Bridesmaids

 Of course the bride will look the best on the wedding day. This is a must. But sometimes you’ll have to work for that to happen. Now this is the time when you may have to throw some of your ethics out the window, which is a fair trade considering all the free food you’ll get during the wedding week.

So, to ensure the bride is #1, you have to make sure the bridesmaids are not hot. Sometimes the bride has already ensured this by choosing hideous bridesmaids dresses, but if she hasn’t then it’s up to you. Be creative. Let your inner vindictive Queen Bee go wild.

Here are some ideas, free of charge. Put bridesmaid’s hairspray label over PAM oil spray, put skin bronzer in their lotion, hide their makeup bags, and put fake tattoos on their biceps as they sleep. That’ll do it, but if you have more creative ideas I’d love to hear them.

#5: Make Sure She’s Prepared

 Most brides have thought out almost everything. But sometimes they aren’t prepared for everything that might go wrong. As Puddleglum says, “Prepare for the worst, and you’ll never be taken by surprise.” That’s why I suggest showing the bride YouTube videos of anything that could go wrong during weddings. Just so she knows what to expect.

What do you think makes a good maid of honor?

Anything else I could add to the list?

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34 Comments

  1. When I get married, please be my maid of honor.

    Reply
    • EllieAnn

       /  April 18, 2012

      I accept. i will bring lots of chocolate and fried chicken wings. Promise.

      Reply
  2. When I got married, I had this enormous train and veil that gave me a head and backache. I could have used some Ibuprophen!
    Congrats to your sister!

    Reply
    • EllieAnn

       /  April 18, 2012

      Ibuprophen–an absolute MUST have in any decent maid of honor’s purse.

      Reply
  3. Hahaha.

    My two best friends have had weddings in the past few years. I was the silent fixer. When someone was stressed, I slid in and gave shoulder and foot massages. I cleaned. I made wedding favors. I handled flowers. I made annoying people go away.

    It was good times. :)

    Reply
    • EllieAnn

       /  April 18, 2012

      Shoulder and foot massages?! Cleaning? Making annoying people go away? Can you be my maid-of-honor EVERYDAY?

      Reply
  4. Very nice, Ellie! I’m sure you were a terrific maid of honor. Only time I ever got to do that, it was my cousin’s redneck wedding. I ended up drinking Dr. Pepper and throwing around a Nerf football wearing a $200 dress.

    Reply
    • EllieAnn

       /  April 18, 2012

      Not everyone can say that they’ve done that, Heather. You’re lucky.

      Reply
  5. Lori Van Roekel

     /  April 18, 2012

    Thanks for this, oh so timely advice! I’m going to have to share this with Maggie! Lol.

    Reply
  6. I love this. I too have been a maid of honour a few times. Though the last time, at age 37, my friend called me the Best Woman. I loved that. I’m all about being the Best Woman.

    I did her makeup, which is hilarious since I generally just wear a bit myself. It was a fab day.

    Congrats to your sis!

    Reply
    • EllieAnn

       /  April 18, 2012

      Best Woman does not sound old or matronly at all! I’ll have to use that if I ever get invited to be maid of honor again. Which, after this article, I probably won’t be asked.

      Reply
  7. Marianne

     /  April 18, 2012

    Forget being my bride’s maid… can we just hang out?

    Reply
  8. The bride’s probably freaking out with the too many chocolates. lol I’m surprised you didn’t cut off the other bridesmaids’ hairs when you sleep. lol If I’m a maid-of-honor, I’ll be fine picking up stuff. Just don’t ask me to choose the motif for the wedding–that’s the bride’s job. Actually, I’ll probably would’ve taken the bride running around the block everyday or do some breathing exercises to keep her from getting stressed. Also make sure that she’s eating healthy without gluten, dairy, sweets, and caffeine. That and make sure that the bride knows that she could choose to get out now and waste all the money for the wedding preparation or choose to spend thousands for a lawyer later getting a divorce if she’s having a cold feet. She’ll make the right decision. :-)

    Reply
    • EllieAnn

       /  April 19, 2012

      That’s solid advice, Marilag! You’d be a great maid of honor!

      Reply
  9. malindalou

     /  April 18, 2012

    That’s awesome about you getting to be a matron of honor for your sister!

    What I’ve told the brides I’ve stood up with is that something will inevitably go wrong on the big day, but it makes no sense to worry about it because either no one else will notice or no one will tell her.

    Reply
    • EllieAnn

       /  April 19, 2012

      Awesome advice, Malinda. And it’s so true. No sense about worrying that something bad might happen.

      Reply
  10. Wow. You and Amber have this down to a science.

    I don’t have anything to add, except to say that I actually was not nervous about marrying my hubby. At that point in our lives, our wedding vows were not a promise for the future but rather a statement of fact. It helped that I graduated from law school the day before our wedding so I didn’t even have time to think about it much until that morning. I did, however, manage to eat enough pre-wedding chocolate that I had to be sewn into my dress. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t nervous. :)

    Reply
    • EllieAnn

       /  April 19, 2012

      You were sewn into your dress? Are you still wearing it?! ;)

      Reply
  11. Chocolate will fix ANYTHING!

    Reply
  12. Hilarious, especially the videos!

    Reply
    • At my second wedding, two women caught my bouquet at the same time, only to have woman #3 walk by and pluck it right out of their hands! Just had to laugh. Same woman tried to con the 12-year-old son of one of the other two (who caught my garter) to put it on her upper thigh!) boy, did she liven up the occasion!

      Reply
      • EllieAnn

         /  April 19, 2012

        LoL. That sounds fun! Gotta have some people like that at the wedding to liven it up.

        Reply
        • Yep, that third woman was a real piece of work. :-)) Some were upset about it, but, heck, it was my wedding day. Her stunt just made it fun to remember.

          Reply
        • Ellie Ann, I read this blog entry to my Comp I students, giving them an example of using humor in writing process analyses (i.e. explaining steps or giving directions for doing something). :-)

          Reply
          • EllieAnn

             /  April 24, 2012

            oh my gosh! that’s one of the biggest compliments I could ever hear. Thank you, Kim!

            Reply
  13. What’s with all the people fainting? Yikes. Is that a real person with all those flowers? Or is it one of Gwen Stefani’s Harjuku girls? Scaaaary.

    Reply
  14. So funny. Warm socks was my favorite one!

    Reply
  15. graceingreek

     /  April 30, 2012

    I’ve never been a maid of honor but I’ll definitely keep these in mind just in case :) hahaha…

    Reply

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