Last weekend I was a maid of honor at my sister’s wedding. Well, technically I was a matron of honor, but that term just sounds so . . . I don’t know, matronly. And old. Anyways, I had a lot of good ideas about how to be a good maid of honor and wanted to share my wisdom with you all.
#1: Chocolate and Comfort Food
This might be enough
This is a very stressful time for the bride.
As everyone knows, eating chocolate and other comfort foods give a rush of endorphins to the brain.
So I suggest providing bowls of chocolates, candy bars, warm cookies, chips, fried chicken, pizza, and chocolate covered strawberries for her at all times. Put them in every room of the house. Fill your purse full of them. Never run out. This is what makes the best maid of honor.
Notice her getting a little testy? Give her a chocolate bar. Is she worried because the flowers haven’t arrived yet? Fry her some chicken wings. Did she snap at someone? Offer her some chocolate milk. She can’t fall asleep? Make her some chocolate chip cookies. Is she suddenly freaking out because she can’t fit in her wedding dress and has to get it re-sized the day of the wedding? Just give her some warm baked pretzels. That’ll calm her down.
#2: Cure for Cold Feet
Sometimes the bride gets cold feet.
Just give her some warm socks or something.
#3: Cure for another form of Cold Feet
The closer to the wedding day, the more clearer the bride will realize, “I’m gonna be with this guy FOREVER.” Usually this will induce, in the least, hesitancy . . . at the most, panic. Whatever state the bride is in, I suggest you play up the groom’s strengths when you’re around him. Really make him look good. Remind her why she decided to get hitched to him in the first place.
I suggest you walk up to the groom and tell him why he’s such a good guy, all the things he’s good at, why you respect him, and what a great lover he is. Be specific and don’t be afraid to gush. Make sure the bride can hear you tell him these things and she’ll surely lose her cold feet. Surely.
#4: Sabotage the other Bridesmaids
Of course the bride will look the best on the wedding day. This is a must. But sometimes you’ll have to work for that to happen. Now this is the time when you may have to throw some of your ethics out the window, which is a fair trade considering all the free food you’ll get during the wedding week.
So, to ensure the bride is #1, you have to make sure the bridesmaids are not hot. Sometimes the bride has already ensured this by choosing hideous bridesmaids dresses, but if she hasn’t then it’s up to you. Be creative. Let your inner vindictive Queen Bee go wild.
Here are some ideas, free of charge. Put bridesmaid’s hairspray label over PAM oil spray, put skin bronzer in their lotion, hide their makeup bags, and put fake tattoos on their biceps as they sleep. That’ll do it, but if you have more creative ideas I’d love to hear them.
#5: Make Sure She’s Prepared
Most brides have thought out almost everything. But sometimes they aren’t prepared for everything that might go wrong. As Puddleglum says, “Prepare for the worst, and you’ll never be taken by surprise.” That’s why I suggest showing the bride YouTube videos of anything that could go wrong during weddings. Just so she knows what to expect.
What do you think makes a good maid of honor?
Anything else I could add to the list?