How To Be Rich And Get Whatever You Want

This is the guide to being rich and getting whatever you want. QUICKLY.

After reading this post, I guarantee you will know a surefire way to own anything you desire, including love. You’ve heard in the songs that love can’t be bought but that’s not entirely true for most of humanity. Of course, true love is another matter and it can’t be bought with bazillions of dollars though bazillions of dollars often destroys true love.

Anyway, let’s get back to our scheming.

After paying me a small fee of only $4.98 you’ll know the secret to being rich and getting whatever you want. ┬áNot only that, but I’ll send you my kit to never-ending possessions. How do you know you can trust me? Because my cousin’s husband is a CPA and he once said, “you make really good potato salad,” to me. And also because I’ve had three children who are still thriving and healthy and out of prison. And because three of my relatives are doctors (one is a doctor of philosophy which gives me an extra well-rounded doctor family). So if those credentials don’t pass for you, I don’t know what will. Sheesh, get off your high horse.

Okay, now we’ve gone over how trustworthy I am, it’s time to start.

First put the $4.98 (what a bargain!) in an envelope and send it to me before you read any further.

Did you do it? No cheating! I know where you live! Wait, that wasn’t supposed to come out.

Alrighty. If you’ve paid then you can continue reading.

Ellie Ann’s Get Rich Quick and Get Whatever You Want Guide

Kit includes:

First, you will need comfortable running shoes on.

Second, you will have to get in good running shape. Being able to climb over chain link fences is a must.

Third, conceal your super secret identity concealer (aka, mustache and glasses combo) somewhere on your person.

Fourth, find what you want. This could be a purse. A bra. A power tool. A llama. A llama with a power tool. An antique book. A poster of Orlando Bloom. A poster of Orlando Bloom with an antique book. A car. A gold bar. A gold car. Whatever it is you want, then get your eye on it.

Fifth, look around. Make sure no one sees you. This is when you put on your super secret identity.

Sixth, Steal the item.

Seventh, Run away.

And that’s it. The quickest way to being rich and getting whatever you want that I’ve ever heard of. I know what you’re probably thinking; it’s so simple! Don’t worry, I didn’t really think of this brilliant method until I watched Gone In 60 Seconds and Oceans 11 and Bonnie and Clyde, all in one night. It was then the method just came to me.

But I can’t leave you with only that, there are too many mistakes to be had. Here are some free tips:

- Practice with your lock pick before you try to open a store or car door with it. It’s trickier than they let on in the movies.

- If you’re holding up an old woman, speak up. They are hard of hearing.

- If someone catches you in the act, you are walking a tenuous line. This is what separates the good from the great. If you are a girl, burst into tears and tell them your abusive husband’s cousin is forcing you to steal but you never would except then the goddess Diana appeared to you and said if you complied then your wheel-chair bound daughter will walk again. They’ll be so confused by the personal, religious, ethical statements that they’ll get flustered and let you go. However, if you are a man, I suggest you burst into tears and go on about your abusive husband’s cousin forcing you to steal but you never would except the goddess Diana appears to you and . . . .well, you know the rest. It usually works like magic.

- Lastly, I suggest moving quite often. When your neighbor asks for the third time if that lawn mower is theirs because they have an identical one that was stolen last week, it’s time to go.

So, I guess that’s it. And you’re welcome! I’m always happy to help.

Aren’t get rich quick guides awesome?

Do you have anything more to add to this method?

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12 Comments

  1. $4.98 to become a thief! BRILLIANT!

    Reply
  2. You might find this lock “sport” pdf to be a helpful primer: http://locksport.com/index.php/discover-lockpicking/l-i-guide/

    Reply
    • EllieAnn

       /  June 27, 2012

      YES! An excellent primer. I’m well on my way now to lifelong riches.

      Reply
  3. What if I only have $4.97?

    I gave you an award on my blog today. =)

    Reply
    • EllieAnn

       /  June 27, 2012

      $4.97 is fine. But you’ll owe me one cent for the rest of your life.
      THANK YOU for the lovely award! I’m thrilled. =D

      Reply
  4. You’re sharing some of my secrets, Ellie! :)

    BTW, I mentioned you on my blog post:
    http://www.mjmonaghan.com/2012/06/27/safari-thank-you-blog/

    Reply
  5. Author Kristen Lamb

     /  July 8, 2012

    I just LOVE when you write humor. This is almost as good as the Doritos Diet.

    Reply
  6. I’ve been following this life-plan my whole life.

    Reply
  7. So THIS is how I’ll pay back my student loans! Thanks for the awesome laughs, Ellie. :D

    Reply
  8. Christina Esdon

     /  July 8, 2012

    Best $4.95 I ever spent. If you hear any rattling downstairs at your place tonight, tell yourself ‘it was nothing’. Got that? Nothing…Now think that and watch this pendant move back and forth…

    Reply

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