Confessions of a Window Licker

My name is Lilia. And I’m a window licker.

Okay. Okay . . . it’s not just windows. It’s everything. I started several years ago, when I was young. The spring of ’09, when I was 9 months. The first time I was able to put something in my mouth was a rush like no other. It was a plastic toy, and felt good on my gums.

Perhaps if I had just stuck with plastic toys I wouldn’t be here.

After toys stopped doing it for me, I learned how to crawl and then I was able to experiment with a lot of different things. Table legs. Walls. Books. Rocks. Sand. I don’t recommend sand. It sticks to the roof of your mouth.

And then I learned how to walk and Mother Guard wasn’t able to keep me contained anymore. Plus, I learned how to be fast. A quick lick to the ketchup bottle lid. A quick lick to the floor where some mysterious yet yummy looking crumbs fell. She doesn’t even know about 1/4 of what I’ve licked. I think she’s trying to ignore it.

Not that I have a problem.

I don’t know why Mother Guard sent me here to talk to you.

What’s the experience like? Hm. Rocks taste gritty, some of them are smooth some are cutting. Books taste like trees. Trees taste like books with moss on them. Windows usually taste like popsicles, because I wipe my fingers on the windows after I eat popsicles. I can’t help myself. Dolls have a plastic aroma, but taste like baseballs. Stuffed animals . . . I don’t go there anymore. They make my tongue fuzzy.

I’m not like some other kids who have no dignity. I’ve seen them at the park, licking sand and chewing on stuffed animals. I’ve seen one kid even lick the swings. They’re in public! Have they no shame? I’ve learned certain things can’t be seen by Mother Guards. Like . . . the S word.

Shoes.

I’ve been trying them lately. I don’t lick more than one shoe a day, but Mother Guard reacts like crazy. It was just a lick, ya know? The shoes usually taste like simple dirt, which isn’t unpleasant, but once I found one with watermelon gum on the sole. It was phenomenal.

OH gosh.

What did I just say? Did I just admit I lick shoes?

It’s not that bad, people! Stop judging me.

It’s not like I lick slides. I never lick slides unless I feel like it. Or windows . . . take windows as an example. I never lick windows unless no one is watching. And it’s not like I do it before noon. I never lick things before noon unless it’s cups, toothpaste lids, books, strings, and doorknobs. I like to keep boundaries on myself that way.

Boundaries are important.

I eat my boogers but everyone my age eats boogers. I do draw the line at eating other kids’ boogers. That’s just nasty. They taste like gooey hazelnuts and I hate hazelnuts.

I don’t know why Mother Guard is worried.

I’m very careful in public. I never lick anyone’s shoes I don’t know. I never take any candy from strangers unless it’s Skittles. I never swallow the rocks, only let them swill around in my mouth. And I NEVER lick trash cans unless there’s ketchup on it. It’s ketchup, guys. I can’t help myself.

Excuse me. I have to go. There’s this new piano bench I haven’t tried yet. I wonder if it will taste like English breakfast tea like the last one . . .

So will you please tell Mother Guard to stop worrying?

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7 Comments

  1. Ketchup and Skittles, I can understand the allure.

    Reply
  2. She’s just building a nice,strong immune system. One lid at a time. One of my kids sucked her – then she discovered how much nicer it was when a finger was also stuck up the nose. She didn’t really care who saw. Kids- sheesh

    Reply
  3. Hahaha! I remember the taste of pennies and paste. I don’t recall licking any windows!

    Reply
  4. My own Mother Guard always went nuts when I sucked on my hair. Nervous habit? Apple-flavored shampoo?

    Reply
  5. You’re gonna love reading this when you’re older. ;) You make WL-ing intriguing.

    Reply
  6. Just adorable, and hilarious…thanks for a good laugh, Ellie!

    Reply

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