All of these tall tales are false. Except the ones that are true.
Oh, and just because I write you as a serial killer in your tall tale, doesn’t mean I don’t have the utmost of respect for you.
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Catherine the Poet has terraformed three planets, and is selling time shares in the dwellings she built there. The odd thing is, you don’t get on the planet based on the amount of money, power, or fame you have. It’s all based on character. So be good. And you might just be chosen to live on a planet with no morons.
Kassandra Lamb reads books backwards and upside down. She says the story doesn’t change as much as you would think.
Jesse James Freeman can control the elements. It has nothing to do with the fact he was born in Chernobyl, Ukraine and fed on radioactive fish and gravy since he was young (though that might have a lot to do with his blue skin and third eye). He can control the elements because of his scientific expertise.
August McLaughlin is the world-renowned Mosquito M.D. You see, many years ago a mosquito saved her and her family from a man-eating alligator, and she’s felt like she’s been in their debt ever since. If you ever come across an injured mosquito, August is the one who with nurture it back to health.
They’re kinda cute from this angle.
MyPenandMe is the marine that likes to be shot out of a cannon. Very handy in a charge. Not very handy in an artillery battle.
Susie Lindau is a time traveler. She’s also been called an angel (by Joan of Arc, Joseph Smith, and Lot). She’s also been called much worse, namely by the scientists whose speed-of-light spacecraft she keeps sabotaging. I’m not sure why she sabotages them, but I assume she has a good reason.
Renee is known for her balance and dexterity. During a water buffalo stampede, she can jump across the backs of the buffalo from one side of the herd to the other. And during an avalanche, she can snowboard the wave, which has never been done before.
NOTICE: Howlin’ Mad Heather has escaped from the psychiatric ward again. She has taken with her everyone’s left shoe, a box of dried pudding mix, a DVD player, a defibrillator, a stapler, and the medical helicopter. During her last psych evaluation, she’d decided to kill Santa Claus. She’s probably on the quickest route to the North Pole. Search accordingly.
Stop riding your hovercraft over my lawn. It was bad enough when you were testing your infernal rockets into ungodly hours of the night. It was bad enough when you genetically altered your pet elephant to trumpet at sonic decibel levels. It was bad enough to gave your 8 year old a clarinet for his birthday. But this? No more. If I see your hovercraft on my lawn one more time I’m going to sic my land shark on you.
Marilag is a Borrower, one of the first Borrowers that came to America, this is her story: she lived as a peaceful woodcutter in the hills of Ireland, then one day she enraged a wood sprite by cutting down her tree dwelling. Furious, the sprite shrunk Marilag so she was only 6 inches tall. However small her body was, her spirit never shrunk, though, and Marilag took it as a sign that she shouldn’t be a woodcutter anymore (alas, the time it would take her to cut down a tree with her tiny tiny axe would not be economically viable), so she stowed away on a boat headed for America and she made her fortune selling fortunes for the Circus.
KB Owen sleeps in an orange bed with an orange pillow in an orange room with an orange fire in the fireplace in an orange house atop an orange-blossom covered hill in the middle of orange county.
JL Gentry is the leader of the world. But you’ll never know; he hides behind a mask. He hides behind a mask of corporate business, he hides behind the mask of government, he hides behind the mask of the education system, he hides behind the mask of economic development, and he hides behind a literal Japanese kabuki mask. Why does he wear a kabuki mask, you say? Because it’s awesome.
SPECIAL EDITION: LANG FAMILY
Isaiah Lang, also known as Dave Smith, also known as Hugh Rutherford Chauncy, also known as the One-legged, Eight-fingered Masked Nefarious Reprobate (try putting that on a WANTED poster), was recently taken into custody along with his mob affiliates. The strange thing is…the police immediately released him. It seems Isaiah Lang was an undercover cop, and his work saved the lives of countless innocents. So…do not judge is a wonderful moral to live by, and can even go so far as not judging those on WANTED posters.
Abra Lang is blind, but can see many things. With his advanced hearing, he can detect notes no other human can. His operas he’s composed have left modern maestros baffled. With his advanced touch, he can put his hand in the ocean and know exactly where the nearest school of dolphins are congregating, and has aided many marine biologist’s research. With his advanced sense of taste, he’s able to tell exactly which part of the country and apple was plucked from (most apples, he says, come from China). And with his advanced sense of smell, he’s able to detect more about you than even your mother could. Which is why he’s in the LA Police Department, “I’m able to smell if they’re innocent or not,” he says. And he’s never been wrong.
Elia Lang can sew things to life. When she sees her mother is feeling a bit blue, she’ll sew a quick felt flower bouquet and wall-ah! It comes to life, spreading wonderful aroma around the house. When she traveled through the plains of Africa, atop a tall camel, she would sew fat goats and lazy cows for any person in need of them. And when an underhanded government organization captured her and tried to force her to make a super soldier, she adamantly refused, saying, “I haven’t learned how to sew a soul, yet.” They locked her in a room with only seven yards of fabric and her sewing machine, and seven hours later she bust outta there on her new miniature T-Rex.
One day Hana Lang was cartwheeling across a mountain (trying to beat her older sister’s record) when she fell down a crevice. Only this was no regular crevice, it was a fairy trap. But alas, she had no idea it was a fairy trap. At the bottom of the crevice was a floor full of downy feathers, which was a lovely break to her fall. Once she climbed out of the mess of feathers she walked down a shimmery diamond hallway and saw a feast at the end. Of course, she was a smart girl and knew that no one should eat fairy food, but she didn’t know it was a fairy trap and because the fried shrimp, juicy melons, sweet chocolate, bright tomato soup, and other tantalizing fare she dug right in. TRAPPED!
The fairy spell wrapped around her body and her mind, and quick as a blink she was surrounded by the mischievous pixies. But then, by the sheer force of her will she was able to say through gritted teeth, “Let. Me. Go!” The fairies were so impressed that they obeyed her instantly. Polite as always, she curtsied to them, thanked them for the food she’d tasted, climbed out of the crevice, and continued with her cartwheeling. I’m happy so say she beat her older sister’s record by 100 feet.
Em Lang was the first one who discovered fire, and she did it quite by accident. However, the rocketship she created once she’d discovered fire was hardly accidental, and neither was the trip she took to the moon. She had a wonderful time playing frisbee with the moon bunnies and eating cheese with the Old Man there, and then returned home in time for supper (although with a completely spoiled appetite). She’s been eyeing Jupiter since then, but her father won’t let her have the keys to her rocketship until she’s 8.
Sign up for next time right below! There’ll be monsters. And bacon. And probably some bowling.