Tall Tale Tuesday: Up From The Grave

In honor of it being the spookiest month of the year (but that’s up for vote, of course. March gives October a run for its money) I will have a spooky theme for October’s Tall Tales.

This week: THE UNDEAD. OooOOOoooOOOooo.

And here are our lucky lottery winners:

Susie Lindau talks to animal ghosts and counsels them until they’ve reached peace within themselves and can move on to their next life. When asked if she performs services for deceased humans she always says no. She’s afraid of human ghosts.

Art by a starvinartist

David N. Walker didn’t start the 10 Day Vampire War of 2015, even though the history books say he did. He was actually the only one trying to stop it, and when he killed the Vampire Queen Natalia it was because she had ordered the hit on the President of the United States. It’s just too bad he was 2 hrs too late.

Photo by InnocentVoices

August McGrumpy haunted the Camping aisle in the Target on Camelback Avenue. You know, the one in between Applebees and Kohl’s? Anyways, on good days she’d put up her tent in the middle of the aisle and not let anyone pass, and on the bad days she’d put up trip wires and crash pots and pans together, and start fires, and even chase people with her bloody hatchet. Target was losing lots of Camping Merchandise Sales, so they hired a ghostbusting service. The Ghostbusters found out that Target had been built over August McGrumpy’s favorite camping spot. Ever so sorry, Target moved their store, transplanted trees and creeks back into the plot, and made August one happy little ghost. Now she’s known as August McLaughlin, because you can hear her happy laughter from Applebees.

Art by Koku-chan

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme.

Remember me, Emilie G.

She was once a true love of mine.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?

Garlic, Stakes, Holy Water, and Light.

Remember me, Emilie G.

The vampire that gave me my sight.

Art by ChaosArashi

Alex M. Kimmell Soul-Giving Services

Able To Put A Soul In Any Object Since 1985.

Have a doll you want to make into a best friend?

Want your trees to guard your house?

Want your bowling ball to talk to you?

Hire Alex M. Kimmell today!

Just go to your nearest pay phone and dial 65-097634-00

BONUS: For an extra $1000 you can hire Alex M. Kimmell, Soul-Snatching Services,

in case things don’t turn out the way you want them to.

MJ Monaghan may be a monster, but he’s the only one who saved us during the zombie apocalypse. Now, you owe him your allegiance. And all your taxes. And all your left socks. By next Tuesday.

Anything Eden reads jumps out of the page and comes to life. Needless to say, she doesn’t read aloud very often.

Inkheart cake by Toastles

Don’t cry, Catherine the Poet, just because your favorite star is dead. Its soul shatters into a thousand pieces and floats off into other galaxies to make new stars. So you’ll have to search the sky for another star to love. And you just might find a bit of your old star to love in it.

art by Bareck

Jason once ate calamari and grew eight tentacles out of his back. The next time he ate steak, he grew two huge horns out his skull. He ate a gyro, and grew fleece all over his body. He ate chicken and sprouted wings. He ate a hawk, and his eyesight grew 100x better. Then he ate an earthworm and . . . well, you don’t want to know what capability he got after that.

art by Lonely Loam

Jess Witkins is a grave robber. Only it’s not what you think.

She’s a part of the Undead Prevention Agency (ghost and zombie division) and must dig up any human remains that have paranormal activity.

So next time you visit a graveyard, leave a candybar and a thank you note for her. She’s overworked. Especially this time of year.

art by abstractroses

Renee A. Schuls-Jacobson is the designer for zombie footwear. Need an added shuffle to your gait? Need added heaviness to each step? Renee’s new line will give you a dead footfall all the other undead will be jealous of. Pre-order today.

art by BrianxDamaged

And thanks to Marilag, Kassandra, Jenny, H Nelson, Thoughtsy, and Emma. You get a rainbow PARTICIPANT glitter tiara.

Also, check out the awesome non-fiction zombie book about Jesus and the Undead. It’s by my friend Clay Morgan, and is a hilarious, personal, enriching, and intelligent book I highly recommend. It also has super cool illustrations by the illustrious Gary Morgan.

My review of Clay Morgan’s book Undead: Revived, Resuscitated, and Reborn. It’s about our culture’s fascination with the undead, awesome storytelling about the undead in the Bible, and funny commentary on both. I highly recommend it.

On page 65 there’s a recorded conversation between Clay and I about why it makes perfect sense to bring food to a funeral, and why Jesus told Jairus to give his newly-resuscitated daughter something to eat. It involves egg rolls. And cookies.

Now put in something you’re afraid of in the comments and I’ll write you up in the next tall tale Tuesday! Go.

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29 Comments

  1. Ha, you are too funny and good at this, EA!

    August McGrumpy and Renee’s Zombie footwear – hehehe!

    Okay, I’m afraid of horror and suspense movies. I have NOT seen any Friday the 13th, Chucky, Saw, Chainsaw, or Halloween movies. Or Zombie/undead movies. I’m a scaredy cat. What can I say? :)

    Reply
    • EllieAnn

       /  October 9, 2012

      Anytime I tell someone a horror movie I’m afraid of they’re like … “uhhh, Ellie, that’s not horror. That’s suspense.” And then I’m like, “But I was horrified!”

      Reply
  2. I thought February was the spookiest month. Doesn’t anyone else find Cupid and his arrows frightening?

    Reply
    • EllieAnn

       /  October 9, 2012

      Good point. Cupid has done far more damage than ghosts ever have.

      Reply
  3. MJ’s two favorites were also my own – August McGrumpy…Hahahaha! Love it! And I’m a huge fan of glittery tiaras…how did you know?

    OK, I’m turbo afraid of heights. There’s a story behind it but my stomach just shakes, even up on a ladder. I’m not a huge fan of bugs, but the heights and being homeless are probably my two biggest phobias.

    Oh, and I can’t watch horror films either. Evidently MJ and I are long-lost twinsies.

    Reply
  4. Hahaha! So many of my favorite cyber buddies are here. Who knew they were so ghoulish?!

    I ain’t paying Monaghan. He’s kicking my but at WWF, so he has major bragging rights. Suck it, Taxman! ;-)

    But thank you for telling the world about my fabulous line of U dead Footwear. They are designed from my soul to fit your sole.

    Reply
  5. Oh, and I’m petrified of head lice. Fo shizzle. Ewww.

    Reply
  6. Aweome, Ellie! I seriously think someone could write a YA with the August one. What could be better than a grocery camping thriller, I bet no one’s done that before.

    I’m not telling what I’m scared of in case you put a huge picture up. :)

    Reply
  7. You are so ingenious! And funny. And spooky, of course. :) I love reading these!
    P.S. Thank you for the recommendation of Alex Kimmel for his soul services. I will be calling him today. :)

    Reply
    • EllieAnn

       /  October 9, 2012

      Now this is an interesting turn of events! Which of your objects needs a soul?

      Reply
  8. Hahaha! Animals over humans any day, unless they are rabid dogs……………….I always look forward to these Tall Tales!
    Love Renee’s shoes. I gotta get a pair of those…
    Thanks so much Ellie!
    I just downloaded Clay’s book yesterday!

    I am afraid of basements….

    Reply
  9. Oooooo…a tiara….

    All of my left socks? CRAP! I think I sent all my rights.

    Reply
  10. Larry Enright

     /  October 9, 2012

    I’m afraid I’ll run out of ideas some day. That is my worst fear.

    Reply
    • EllieAnn

       /  October 9, 2012

      That is a scary thought. But it’s impossible. It’ll never happen to you.

      Reply
  11. LOL Ellie Ann, you rock. Now I have a great story to refer people to when they inquire about my name. (I already tell them about “laugh” in the middle for proper spelling, but ghostiness makes it way cooler.)

    I love your review of Clay’s book. Now I’ll have to nab it! Thanks for supporting other writers and making us laugh. Very curious about what ghost YOU’d be? Any thoughts?

    Reply
  12. Candy bar and a thank you note for Jess! :-) Thanks, Ellie Ann. :-) I’m afraid of Chucky and Tiffany (yes, the killer dolls). And clowns. :-)

    Reply
  13. Please tell MJ Monaghan that the dryer ate all my left socks. Now I’ve got thirteen identical right socks but not a single left sock, so I can’t help him.

    I admit to no fears – but don’t put me in any stories with snakes in them.

    Reply
  14. This week’s TTT was super awesome. In fact, it’s cracklesauce awesome. August McGrumpy! Love it. And the earthworm? Now I really want to know what skill he got, but I can imagine it so maybe it is best you left it off.

    What am I afraid of? Silver spinning balls that suck out brains and blood.

    Reply
  15. Annie Howland

     /  October 9, 2012

    Loved these tall tales! I am not afraid of creepy crawlies, heights or the undead. But sock monkeys…uh, not a good thing. I’ve feared those button eyes and wide, red mouths since childhood.

    Reply
  16. Love the shoes, Renee! If you eat the candybar instead of leaving it, Ellie, what do you grow on your back? Fun post, girlie. :D

    What am I afraid of? Sugar-stoked progeny.

    Reply
  17. I get to work in the graveyard! This is possibly my favorite Tall Tale ever! For those who are interested, I do accept potato chips too! I’m a bit of a salt freak. Mmm, or perhaps Ooooohhh.

    Reply
  18. Eden Rebekah

     /  October 10, 2012

    hmm… sharks or getting trapped in a small space

    Reply

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