Tall Tale Tuesday: Up From The Grave

In honor of it being the spookiest month of the year (but that’s up for vote, of course. March gives October a run for its money) I will have a spooky theme for October’s Tall Tales.

This week: THE UNDEAD. OooOOOoooOOOooo.

And here are our lucky lottery winners:

Susie Lindau talks to animal ghosts and counsels them until they’ve reached peace within themselves and can move on to their next life. When asked if she performs services for deceased humans she always says no. She’s afraid of human ghosts.

Art by a starvinartist

David N. Walker didn’t start the 10 Day Vampire War of 2015, even though the history books say he did. He was actually the only one trying to stop it, and when he killed the Vampire Queen Natalia it was because she had ordered the hit on the President of the United States. It’s just too bad he was 2 hrs too late.

Photo by InnocentVoices

August McGrumpy haunted the Camping aisle in the Target on Camelback Avenue. You know, the one in between Applebees and Kohl’s? Anyways, on good days she’d put up her tent in the middle of the aisle and not let anyone pass, and on the bad days she’d put up trip wires and crash pots and pans together, and start fires, and even chase people with her bloody hatchet. Target was losing lots of Camping Merchandise Sales, so they hired a ghostbusting service. The Ghostbusters found out that Target had been built over August McGrumpy’s favorite camping spot. Ever so sorry, Target moved their store, transplanted trees and creeks back into the plot, and made August one happy little ghost. Now she’s known as August McLaughlin, because you can hear her happy laughter from Applebees.

Art by Koku-chan

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme.

Remember me, Emilie G.

She was once a true love of mine.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?

Garlic, Stakes, Holy Water, and Light.

Remember me, Emilie G.

The vampire that gave me my sight.

Art by ChaosArashi

Alex M. Kimmell Soul-Giving Services

Able To Put A Soul In Any Object Since 1985.

Have a doll you want to make into a best friend?

Want your trees to guard your house?

Want your bowling ball to talk to you?

Hire Alex M. Kimmell today!

Just go to your nearest pay phone and dial 65-097634-00

BONUS: For an extra $1000 you can hire Alex M. Kimmell, Soul-Snatching Services,

in case things don’t turn out the way you want them to.

MJ Monaghan may be a monster, but he’s the only one who saved us during the zombie apocalypse. Now, you owe him your allegiance. And all your taxes. And all your left socks. By next Tuesday.

Anything Eden reads jumps out of the page and comes to life. Needless to say, she doesn’t read aloud very often.

Inkheart cake by Toastles

Don’t cry, Catherine the Poet, just because your favorite star is dead. Its soul shatters into a thousand pieces and floats off into other galaxies to make new stars. So you’ll have to search the sky for another star to love. And you just might find a bit of your old star to love in it.

art by Bareck

Jason once ate calamari and grew eight tentacles out of his back. The next time he ate steak, he grew two huge horns out his skull. He ate a gyro, and grew fleece all over his body. He ate chicken and sprouted wings. He ate a hawk, and his eyesight grew 100x better. Then he ate an earthworm and . . . well, you don’t want to know what capability he got after that.

art by Lonely Loam

Jess Witkins is a grave robber. Only it’s not what you think.

She’s a part of the Undead Prevention Agency (ghost and zombie division) and must dig up any human remains that have paranormal activity.

So next time you visit a graveyard, leave a candybar and a thank you note for her. She’s overworked. Especially this time of year.

art by abstractroses

Renee A. Schuls-Jacobson is the designer for zombie footwear. Need an added shuffle to your gait? Need added heaviness to each step? Renee’s new line will give you a dead footfall all the other undead will be jealous of. Pre-order today.

art by BrianxDamaged

And thanks to Marilag, Kassandra, Jenny, H Nelson, Thoughtsy, and Emma. You get a rainbow PARTICIPANT glitter tiara.

Also, check out the awesome non-fiction zombie book about Jesus and the Undead. It’s by my friend Clay Morgan, and is a hilarious, personal, enriching, and intelligent book I highly recommend. It also has super cool illustrations by the illustrious Gary Morgan.

My review of Clay Morgan’s book Undead: Revived, Resuscitated, and Reborn. It’s about our culture’s fascination with the undead, awesome storytelling about the undead in the Bible, and funny commentary on both. I highly recommend it.

On page 65 there’s a recorded conversation between Clay and I about why it makes perfect sense to bring food to a funeral, and why Jesus told Jairus to give his newly-resuscitated daughter something to eat. It involves egg rolls. And cookies.

Now put in something you’re afraid of in the comments and I’ll write you up in the next tall tale Tuesday! Go.

Tall Tale Tuesday: Kick the Can

All of these tall tales are false. Except the ones that are true.

Oh, and just because I write you as a serial killer in your tall tale, doesn’t mean I don’t have the utmost of respect for you.

Sign up for the next set of tales in the comments!

Catherine the Poet has terraformed three planets, and is selling time shares in the dwellings she built there. The odd thing is, you don’t get on the planet based on the amount of money, power, or fame you have. It’s all based on character. So be good. And you might just be chosen to live on a planet with no morons.

 

 

Kassandra Lamb reads books backwards and upside down. She says the story doesn’t change as much as you would think.

Jesse James Freeman can control the elements. It has nothing to do with the fact he was born in Chernobyl, Ukraine and fed on radioactive fish and gravy since he was young (though that might have a lot to do with his blue skin and third eye). He can control the elements because of his scientific expertise.

 

August McLaughlin is the world-renowned Mosquito M.D. You see, many years ago a mosquito saved her and her family from a man-eating alligator, and she’s felt like she’s been in their debt ever since. If you ever come across an injured mosquito, August is the one who with nurture it back to health.

They’re kinda cute from this angle.

MyPenandMe is the marine that likes to be shot out of a cannon. Very handy in a charge. Not very handy in an artillery battle.

 

Susie Lindau is a time traveler. She’s also been called an angel (by Joan of Arc, Joseph Smith, and Lot). She’s also been called much worse, namely by the scientists whose speed-of-light spacecraft she keeps sabotaging. I’m not sure why she sabotages them, but I assume she has a good reason.

Renee is known for her balance and dexterity. During a water buffalo stampede, she can jump across the backs of the buffalo from one side of the herd to the other. And during an avalanche, she can snowboard the wave, which has never been done before.

STAMPEDE!!

NOTICE: Howlin’ Mad Heather has escaped from the psychiatric ward again. She has taken with her everyone’s left shoe, a box of dried pudding mix, a DVD player, a defibrillator, a stapler, and the medical helicopter. During her last psych evaluation, she’d decided to kill Santa Claus. She’s probably on the quickest route to the North Pole. Search accordingly.

Skinner,

Stop riding your hovercraft over my lawn. It was bad enough when you were testing your infernal rockets into ungodly hours of the night. It was bad enough when you genetically altered your pet elephant to trumpet at sonic decibel levels. It was bad enough to gave your 8 year old a clarinet for his birthday. But this? No more. If I see your hovercraft on my lawn one more time I’m going to sic my land shark on you.

Sincerely,

Annoyed Neighbor

Marilag is a Borrower, one of the first Borrowers that came to America, this is her story: she lived as a peaceful woodcutter in the hills of Ireland, then one day she enraged a wood sprite by cutting down her tree dwelling. Furious, the sprite shrunk Marilag so she was only 6 inches tall. However small her body was, her spirit never shrunk, though, and Marilag took it as a sign that she shouldn’t be a woodcutter anymore (alas, the time it would take her to cut down a tree with her tiny tiny axe would not be economically viable), so she stowed away on a boat headed for America and she made her fortune selling fortunes for the Circus.

KB Owen sleeps in an orange bed with an orange pillow in an orange room with an orange fire in the fireplace in an orange house atop an orange-blossom covered hill in the middle of orange county.

JL Gentry is the leader of the world. But you’ll never know; he hides behind a mask. He hides behind a mask of corporate business, he hides behind the mask of government, he hides behind the mask of the education system, he hides behind the mask of economic development, and he hides behind a literal Japanese kabuki mask. Why does he wear a kabuki mask, you say? Because it’s awesome.

Thanks also to: Caroline, MJ, Tameri, Tiffany, David, Jason, & Tim for entering last week. Y’all get a red popsicle and a THANKS FOR PARTICIPATING ribbon!

SPECIAL EDITION: LANG FAMILY

Isaiah Lang, also known as Dave Smith, also known as Hugh Rutherford Chauncy, also known as the One-legged, Eight-fingered Masked Nefarious Reprobate (try putting that on a WANTED poster), was recently taken into custody along with his mob affiliates. The strange thing is…the police immediately released him. It seems Isaiah Lang was an undercover cop, and his work saved the lives of countless innocents. So…do not judge is a wonderful moral to live by, and can even go so far as not judging those on WANTED posters.

Abra Lang is blind, but can see many things. With his advanced hearing, he can detect notes no other human can. His operas he’s composed have left modern maestros baffled. With his advanced touch, he can put his hand in the ocean and know exactly where the nearest school of dolphins are congregating, and has aided many marine biologist’s research. With his advanced sense of taste, he’s able to tell exactly which part of the country and apple was plucked from (most apples, he says, come from China). And with his advanced sense of smell, he’s able to detect more about you than even your mother could. Which is why he’s in the LA Police Department, “I’m able to smell if they’re innocent or not,” he says. And he’s never been wrong.

Elia Lang can sew things to life. When she sees her mother is feeling a bit blue, she’ll sew a quick felt flower bouquet and wall-ah! It comes to life, spreading wonderful aroma around the house. When she traveled through the plains of Africa, atop a tall camel, she would sew fat goats and lazy cows for any person in need of them. And when an underhanded government organization captured her and tried to force her to make a super soldier, she adamantly refused, saying, “I haven’t learned how to sew a soul, yet.” They locked her in a room with only seven yards of fabric and her sewing machine, and seven hours later she bust outta there on her new miniature T-Rex.

One day Hana Lang was cartwheeling across a mountain (trying to beat her older sister’s record) when she fell down a crevice. Only this was no regular crevice, it was a fairy trap. But alas, she had no idea it was a fairy trap. At the bottom of the crevice was a floor full of downy feathers, which was a lovely break to her fall. Once she climbed out of the mess of feathers she walked down a shimmery diamond hallway and saw a feast at the end. Of course, she was a smart girl and knew that no one should eat fairy food, but she didn’t know it was a fairy trap and because the fried shrimp, juicy melons, sweet chocolate, bright tomato soup, and other tantalizing fare she dug right in. TRAPPED!

The fairy spell wrapped around her body and her mind, and quick as a blink she was surrounded by the mischievous pixies. But then, by the sheer force of her will she was able to say through gritted teeth, “Let. Me. Go!” The fairies were so impressed that they obeyed her instantly. Polite as always, she curtsied to them, thanked them for the food she’d tasted, climbed out of the crevice, and continued with her cartwheeling. I’m happy so say she beat her older sister’s record by 100 feet.

Em Lang was the first one who discovered fire, and she did it quite by accident. However, the rocketship she created once she’d discovered fire was hardly accidental, and neither was the trip she took to the moon. She had a wonderful time playing frisbee with the moon bunnies and eating cheese with the Old Man there, and then returned home in time for supper (although with a completely spoiled appetite). She’s been eyeing Jupiter since then, but her father won’t let her have the keys to her rocketship until she’s 8.

Sign up for next time right below! There’ll be monsters. And bacon. And probably some bowling.

Tall Tale Tuesday: Color Me Wild

Well, here it is again folks. Storytime. Starring: You!

May I present the twelve winning commenters from last week:

#1: August, the most-wanted woman on Earth, actually hid in the Mars Curiosity and is currently building a space station. So far, she says the corn that grows on Mars tastes like potatoes, and potatoes taste like strawberries. Also, last week, her new pet Martian learned how to breath fire. That’s always nice, especially during the cold nights.

#2: Gigantor build a castle in India, and turned it into an orphanage. There are slides from floor to floor, pancakes for breakfast every morning, a roller coaster in the back, secret passageways, every pet you can think of, and an indoor swimming pool. Of course, the fact that Gigantor is nine years old has nothing to do with the practicality of his castle.

(photo by Sassystreak)

#3: K.B. Owen knits the sunsets every night. You’d think her favorite color would be light pink and orange, but it’s not so. She says it’s deep purple, but the deep purple sunset yarn is so expensive she can’t knit with it very often.

(photo by fangger)

#4: You haven’t heard of Susie the Periwinkle ninja? Of course you haven’t. But she’s standing right behind you.

#6:

Greetings, Lords and Ladies of Elfland.

The good news is, Tiffany the White of Blackbane just broke the sound barrier with a magic arrow. This will be useful for communication. The bad news is, she is heading for our realm and she doesn’t have peace on her mind. Luckily, she has a weakness for chocolate . . . especially chocolate carried by tall, mysterious, and handsome men. So ready your handsomest troops and start making lots of chocolate.

Sincerely,

King and Queen Elf

“Please, Tiffany the White. Here’s some chocolate. Don’t kill us.”

“Fine,” Tiffany the White said, and took the chocolate.

#7: David painted a herd of endangered Black Rhinos red, and called them tomatoes. Suddenly, the poachers weren’t so intent on hunting them anymore. They knew no one in the black market were interested in buying tomatoes.

#8: Catherine has did write the and a new inclusive book on a or the grammar. Every thing chan’ged. You have to better catch up fast.

#9: MJ discovered gunpowder. Instantly aware of its destructive power, he lit a match to all his research, intent on destroying it. An unfortunate decision.

#10: Marilag is the world famous tattoo artist who was made famous for her amazing tattoos on the elderly. What?? Of course elderly want tats just as much as anyone else.

#11: Tameri tackled some lightning and rode it to the end of the rainbow. She found a pot of gold there, but then realized that there was much more money to be made in harnessing lightning than in harvesting gold.

#12: My Pen and Me speaks with animals and has since co-written five hundred books, translating for her animal friends. But . . . no one believes they were written by animals. It turns out animal thoughts are much different than we expected.

A special thanks to Alex, Howlin’ Mad Heather, and Eden for entering. May the odds be ever in your favor. Next time.

Please enter your social security #, credit card information, and date of birth below. And then you’ll be eligible to be entered into next Tall Tale Tuesday’s lottery!

Wait . . . what?! That’s not what I meant. I’d never ask that of you! At least, not this far into our friendship.

What I meant to say was, please comment with a number below, and you could win your own tall tale! Or, if you just comment, then you’ll get a totally random story with no number in it. Both good.

Hope your day goes swimmingly, fishies!

Tall Tale Tuesday: Let’s Go To The Movies!

These stories are in no ways truthful, and are not based on real live events. If you think I’m writing about you, I’m not. I’m writing about *points* them. ;)

Here are the twelve lottery wieners … uh, I mean winners from last week!

K.B. Owen owns a bar in Casablanca, Nebraska called K.B.’s Cafe Americain. I think she got a little confused about the location of her favorite movie.

David N. Walker, an unknown computer hacker, hunted all the Bourne agents down and tracked all of their movements. Strangely enough, they’re all either helpers at Disneyworld or Rocky Mountain Rangers in Canada, which make me think their antics in the films were somewhat exaggerated.

mypenandme actually trained the pegasus in Clash of the Titans, but she said she wouldn’t work with the Titan as it was “too moody and had bad breath.”

What happened to Harry Lime? That’s what pulp fiction novelist JRD Skinner needed to find out. He not only discovered Harry Lime had become a chain smoker, a Wiccan, and an avid fan of blue cheese . . . he had also made enemies that ran him over. Whether it involved the black market blue cheese tycoons … you’ll have to find out in Skinner’s next novel.

August is the only person to ever win a dozen Oscar awards. In all different categories. And all for the same movie.

Renee body doubles for such actresses as Angelina Jolie, Emily Blunt, Emily Mortimer, Kiera Knightly, Maryl Streep, Eva Mendes, Reese Witherspoon, Natalie Portman, and Kim Kardashian. She’s willing to do ANYthing for the shoot. Even paint a mole on her butt.

Whose body is this, really?

Catherine is an extremely accurate shot. She never misses. That’s why they always hire her to stay on the sets of sports movies to make shot after shot (in Hoosiers) and throw after throw (in We Are the Titans) and hit after hit (in A League of Their Own) for the cameras.

Nothin’ but net. Over and over again.

Lorne and Lise never miss a premiere in LA’s Grauman’s Chinese Theater, not because they are famous movie stars, but because they own the joint.

DSavannah is the set designer for Christopher Nolan. She met him in grade school, when someone stole her PB&J and he followed the crumbs back to the thief and rescued her sandwich, and they’ve been partners ever since. She said Memento was easiest to set, The Prestige was funnest, and Inception was hardest, due to the rotating sets.

Don’t steal PB&J’s – or he’ll hunt you down

Susie is one of the most beloved actresses on the stage. The theater is her life. Countless directors and producers have pursued her, begging her on their knees to be in their movies, but she always refuses. “If anyone respects true art,” she says, “They have to see me in flesh and blood. Everything else is a mockery of performance.”

An idealist, I know. But she’s so good at what she does you can’t help but respect it.

Alex is the steadiest camera man in the world. He’s so good he can rappel off a tower to get the perfect shot, or be shot out of a cannon, or skydive, or hang off of the rungs of a helicopter. However, he won’t do undersea shots … those scare him.

(photo is awesome cameraman Reinis Rutentals)

Marilag can quote every movie every made in the 60’s, 80’s, and 00’s. She’s really entertaining to go on hikes with, not so much when she’s quoting the campy horror films . . . but a delight when she gets to Airplane! and The Important of Being Earnest.

Thanks also to Gigantor, Tameri, Lancelot, and MJ for entering the lottery. Bring your loaded dice next time.

Leave a comment! If you do, you’ll get a tall tale entirely your own. And I promise it will all be lies about you. =)

Simply leave a comment with a color.

Cheerio, peeps.

Tall Tale Tuesday: Call Me Ishmael

There are 12 winners this week. Next week there will be 12 winners. Leave a comment below and you’ll get to star in a tall tale and make all your 2nd grade dreams come true!

#1: David N. Walker is the limbo winner 12 years running in the Ultimate Spring Break Limbo Competition. He wouldn’t share his secret to his success, but I have a feeling it’s the grass skirt he wears.

Ultimate Limbo. NOT like this. 

(Photo by Steven DePolo)

#2: Catherine Johnson, aka, Harper Lee, stopped writing novels not because she didn’t have it in her, but because she’d sworn to the ferocious Jinihuhu alien warriors that came calling on her doorstep one day that she’d only write stories in their language from then on. Her choice saved the human species. And also, the Jinihuhu stopped their rude and racists ways and are now international peacekeepers. Writers are powerful people.

Jinihuhu kind of look like Beta Ray Bill from The Mighty Thor, except with shinier boots.

Photo by JD Hancock

#3: Susie “Slicer” Lindau has such a strong tennis serve it can break down walls and crumble granite walls.


Preparing the Slice

Photo by Swiv

#4: MJ has the thickest skin in the world. Paul Bunyan and his axe can’t slice through it. Captain Blackbeard can’t pierce it with his saber. The Hulk can’t even smash it. However, he has extremely sensitive feelings and they had him in tears with their smack talk. His skin is literally thick, but not figuratively thick.

His words cut deep. Just ask MJ.

Photo by Tim

#5: Eden Rebekah dug holes in the desert all her days. She was known as “Diggs,” in town and everyone thought she was crazy until she disappeared one day . . . in an uncovered UFO.

#6: Lancelot eats scorpion tails with a side order of fried wasp stingers and a shot of asp venom. For dessert he takes sugar coated porcupine quills. Yummers!

#7: Due to the drought, Author Ashley had to wrangle up a posse of Gusts of Wind and they herded a nice fat crowd of clouds from Washington all the way to Texas.

#8: August Hershey Barr is a deep sea diver who likes to sing with the whales. They (the whales) said she’s welcome to their karaoke night but she can’t perform for money, as it’s against their immigration laws.

Photo by Mike Licht

#9: Tiara Tameri. Yes, I’m speaking of the legendary Tiara Tameri. Of course you know her story. She didn’t win that tiara eatin’ donuts now, did she?

#10: Mari is the greatest rodeo cowgirl of the galaxy. Of course, they don’t just ride cows there but they stick to four legged creatures, for old time’s sake.

#11: KB can track a sparrow through a forest and a tuna up a river. She can track a snake through a cave and a cat burger through Gotham City. Don’t worry, she puts all her skills to good use.

#12: Skinner doesn’t take his name lightly. He can skin anything from a cactus to a possum, from a flower petal to a toad. He has the best pair of mini octopus gloves you’ve ever seen. “Quite comfortable,” he says of them. Oh, did I mention he has eight fingers on each hand?

Well, don’t run off now. You’ve still got one little ole’ comment left to make. All you have to do is leave a comment and I’ll get to make up a tall tale about you next time! Join the jocularity, dudes and dames.

Leave a comment with the title of a movie.

The Incredible Astounding Circus!

We interrupt the regular feature of Tall Tale Tuesday to announce that the circus is in town!

Last Saturday, a small-time circus came to our small-time town in Iowa. They set up two red and yellow striped rings in our little county fair shed. The elephant’s head scraped the rafters, which made her look even more unreal. The juggler’s batons weaved in and out of the beams, which made the crowd ooo and ahhh even more. And the trapeze artist could have kissed the roof. The small venue made the performer’s feats even more larger than life.

At the height of the circus’ popularity, aka, when there was no Hollywood (around 1900-1920) there were more than 200 traveling circus wandering through the country giving performances.

Now, there’s no more than a handful.

Live shows just aren’t sought after anymore. If you can see an elephant or dog show or motorcycle tricks on YouTube, no need to pay $16 and see real ones.

But the thing about YouTube is, you can’t smell the sawdust or taste the cotton candy and dirt in the air. You can’t watch open mouthed with a hundred other people as the contortionists shoots a bow and arrow with her feet. And when the clown comes onstage . . . there wasn’t anyone who wasn’t gasping, snorting, giggling, gaffawing by the time he tripped over his big shows and exited the arena.

Circus’ aren’t just a sensual experience, they’re a communal one.

I liked seeing what went on backstage almost as much as what went on in the ring. Hard workers, those roustabouts!

You can see the sweat on the performer’s brow. Your heart beats faster when the tigers roar because you know they could kill you if they got loose. Your stomach is in your throat as you watch the acrobats flip around in the air like a bouncy ball because you can almost feel their pulse and adrenalin and strength. And when the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen, the elegant ringmaster, looks you in the eye and bows, you feel a part of her show.

YouTube just can’t give you that.

Feats of death defying magnitude!

The most beautiful woman in the world!

Wonders beyond your imagination!

You’ve never seen anything like it!

 Also, if you’re interested in seeing the circus and learning about the performer’s and worker’s lives, I recommend these two phenomenal documentaries. One is particularly helpful in solving the performing animal’s rights dilemma.

 A great look into the Rosaire circus family and about how they treat their circus animals…

Not only an exciting peek behind the curtains, also an enthralling human drama. I highly recommend this documentary!

So Have You Been To A Circus?

If all the circus’ in the US go under, have we lost something of value?

Tall Tale Tuesday: That’s Not Random Hippopotamus

You’re back for more, ye scurvy sea rats?

Excellent. I have uses for you.

You’re fodder for my Tall Tale Tuesdays! And no one is safe from my lies. The first 12 to walk the plank, er . . . I mean, the twelve commenters who are in the spotlight this week are:

#1: Heather Bumbershoot is actually the person who invented the bumbershoot, which is a recorder of bird calls and a shooter of bumbers. Bumbers are pictures. So, the bumbershoot actually turned out being a camera with a recording device in it. Which is a lot cooler than a camera.

A bumbographer

#2: Jess own a UFO/combine which is so big it’s used as a barn at night. She likes to create quite a din by sucking up her farm cows with her tractor beam in the dead of night, and depositing them willy nilly in the streets of L.A.

Jess creating a din

#3: Marilag is a bodybuilder that survives only on peanuts and Hershey’s candy bars. She wasn’t getting enough calories so she added Nutty Bars to the mix.

Female body builders. Just like body builders. Except female.

#4: August fought beside Aragorn in the battle of Pelennor fields, King Peter in the fight with the White Witch, and Ender Wiggin during the xenocide. After that she just sat in her Tardis and spent a few hundred years in meditation.

#5: K.B. Owen is the most famous author in the northern quadrant of the milky way. She’s very particular, however, and writes longhand using only ostrich feathers for quills and blackberry ink while sitting on a tightrope over a waterfall. Needless to say, her books are also very short.

#6: AuthorAshley only wears purple spandex and black aviator sunglasses. No matter what, no matter where, it’s her only outfit. It got kind of awkward when she wore as she ran a marathon in the morning then went to her cousin’s funeral that night. Especially since she only has one pair of clothes.

#7: Eden can miniaturize anything with her shrink gun. This of course makes her a master thief, and now she’s the mistress of many castles. And many landmarks (the mini Stonehenge holds up her dining room table). And for her bathroom? She has a miniature Victoria Falls with a withy forest outside the window. It’s the most lovely place to go pee.

#8: JRD Skinner prophecies the impending demise of the galactic hegemony. But since he was the intergalactic court jester, everyone thought his jokes were for naught. But they learned to take him seriously very quickly. Especially since the smoking gun that took the hegemony down was in his hand.

#9: Goddess taught all mankind to love each other by teaching them about sacrifice. And getting sufficient sleep. And staying humble. And looking at yourself in the mirror instead of showing others their flaws. And when I say “mankind” I really mean her husband.

#10: Susie memorized the entire Holy Bible and the entirety of Shakespeare’s works. But she can’t seem to remember where to put her keys, but has a thousand witty comebacks if you dare to make fun of her for it.

#11: Kim doesn’t only know how to blow the biggest bubble, she does it while unicycling on a tight rope fifteen feet in the air! And she does it while wearing a granny suit, which provides all kinds of abderianity and jocularity in her audiences.

#12: Gene is a hot air balloon chauffeur and he travels with Eluvium all over the world.

Thanks to Lancelot, Tameri, MJ, Larry Enright, David, Catherine, and Riffa

Well that ye are, sea rats.

Don’t even think about jumping ship or I’ll throw ye in first. *rattles hook*

But if ye want to join in the tales next week then just leave your nickname in the comments.

Now give me that horizon!

Tall Tale Tuesday: Where You From?

Well folks, the comments from last week have been discombobulated, hit on the head with a mallet, and thrown into a hurricane so they’re sufficiently randomized.

Now let me introduce you to the winning dozen:

#1: MJ Monaghan went to Kiribati and was turned into a monkey. Since then, he’s regularly blogged about the dangers of traveling to Kiribati, and posts terrible reviews of the place in Travel magazines.

“Looks like you’ve been to Kiribati lately, eh?”

#2: El, the famous cooking show personality, uses her old Barbies as kabob skewers for she says the plastic gives it “a full, smoky flavor.” That’s where the Australian saying, Throw another shrimp on the barbie, comes from.

#3: Lancelot has been brainwashed in the bowels of the Witch’s Castle in Ivria. It is said she uses snake eyes and Mermaid’s song, though no one who has been brainwashed by her has lived to tell the tale. Except one. The first time Lancelot remembered his name was the day the Mermaid felt remorse for her actions and sang a different tune. He got away. She didn’t. But that is the way of the world.

#4: Lower Slobbovia, despite popular references, is actually the most technologically developed country. Or, was. Slobbovians no longer live on this planet anymore. Except one. David N Walker was asked to stay and continue to spread rumors of their backwardness. He’s been a success.

#5: Domestic Goddess enjoys doing jazz dancing routines on the wings of planes over her hometown of Bagan, Myanmar. After her show, she drops skittles on her adoring crowd.

 #6: K.B. Owen is a raspberry from the Southern Raspberry Sunshine Mountain, who successfully ended the war with the cream giants of the Northern Moonshine Valley by tearing down the Great Chocolate War that stood between them. Now, they are the best of friends.

#7: Gene climbed the cliffs of insanity, battle a giant throwing boulders, sword fought one of the best swordsmen of the century, and outwitted a crafty Cicilian to the death . . . all for a Klondike bar!

#8: JRD Skinner is the man from Liechtenstein who ate 47 raspberry and cream tarts in a row. His mother told him it would give him an apocalyptic stomachache. And she was right.

(yummy raspberry tart recipe)

#9: Susie saw a star fall from the sky. She tracked atop her Pegasus, using her Stardust Tracker 2000 all the way to Phillipines. When she discovered it was not just a star, but a very attractive young man star she immediately set about to protect him from the whiles of this sinful world. She was also happy to discover that a starkiss brought eternal youth. They’ve been living quite happily on their own private island for the past thousand years.

Maybe Stephanie Meyers got Stars and Vampire’s attributes confused.

 #10: Kim was the most famous Mountaineer in the age of mountaineers and she could fell three trees with one swing and wrestle a grizzly into submission in 2 minutes flat and jumps of waterfalls for fun. You can read about her adventures in her memoir, Paul Bunyan’s Tales (she went by a pseudonym.)

#11: Marilag is the goddess of Trinidad. She watches over it with care and loving, sending rain and sun and wind in form. She requires very little in return. Only gold pieces tossed to the wind ever Sunday and silver candles lit in her honor every Monday and a big dance every Tuesday and wine drunk in her honor every Wednesday. The people are more than happy to comply.

#12: Tameri didn’t just tightrope over Niagra falls. Not satisfactory enough for her, she then flew to Zimbabwe and tightroped across the Victorian Falls. A job well done, too!

Thanks also to August and Lynn for entering the lottery!

 So there you have it, folkies. Tall tales for your reading pleasure.

IF (and I mean when) you want to participate in NEXT tall tale tuesday, simply leave a random word in the comments. And I want total picked-out-of-the-hurrican randomness. :)

Tall Tale Tuesday Champions

Who is the enigmatic Sailor Sim? There are many stories about him, so many it was hard to pick just three to champion as my favorite. But here they are. One about music vegetables. One about heinous carrots. And one about octopus ink.

#1: Howlin’ Mad Heather – I love her tale because she came up with crazy names (Boreal Broccoli, ha!) and because there’s cheese in the story. Who doesn’t love cheese? (btw, this chick has an awesome blog why don’t you check it out?)

Sailor Sim was never a slim man. In 1786 he became lost in a tempest off the coast of Bora Bora and what started out as a pleasure cruise for coconuts became a life or death struggle as his ship, the “Boreal Broccoli,” washed ashore on the remote atoll of Notgonnaeatmypeas. There, Sim discovered the natives annually sacrificing an unlucky villager to the gods so that they might enjoy eating the local veggies a little more. Luckily Sim, a true epicure, used his ingenuity to melt his ship’s cheese rations over a fire and make the greens more palatable. The natives, in gratitude, helped repair Sim’s ship and ate their veggies happily. They also changed their island’s name to Nomnomnompeas.

#2: Kevin Haggarty – This story is kind of scary, if you have weak nerves you might not want to read it. There are some dreadful murderous carrots involved. The only thing I can say is, you won’t feel guilty about boiling carrots anymore. (Kevin has an awesome blog, Isle of Man, that’s always worth a look!)

Sailor Sim was a simple man. He enjoyed being out on his boat, as well as kicking his feet back on his favorite ottoman, while reclined in his favorite leather recliner. There were few things that really rattled his cage, save for one thing: carrots.

Sim hated carrots, and with good reason. When Sim was but the tender age of 11, carrots murdered Sim’s parents.

It was a night he’d never forget. Sim and his parents had just returned home after an extended vacation in the Virgin Islands, when they stumbled upon their house being robbed. The culprits were none other than a band of wild and rebellious carrots. As the family entered into their home, they were shocked to see the carrots rifling through drawers and carrying as many valuables as their leafy green stems could manage.

Sim’s father acted quickly, making a dash for the fireplace, over which his shotgun always hung. As he sprinted toward the hearth, the band of carrots were alerted to his presence and his intentions.

It was at that fateful moment that the lead carrot in charge grabbed a steak knife out of the utensil drawer, and lobbed it, end over end, in the direction of Sim’s father. The expert marksman had acquired his target. The steak knife sunk into Sim’s father’s back, and he was dead before he even his the floor.

Sim’s mother resorted to instinct and stood in front of her son, looking to protect him from the murderous ne’er-do-wells who sought to overtake them.

The noble gesture proved to be her last, as the carrots were upon her in a split second.

“Run!” she bellowed to her young, quivering son.

And run he did. He ran for miles. He ran till his short legs ached. He ran until he could run no farther and then he ran some more. Finally Sim, fell to the ground, completely exhausted and lacking the strength to continue another inch. He was resigned to his fate, whatever that may be.

When Sim awoke, he was surrounded by a crowd of “Men of the Sea.” They had heard of the events of the night before and felt pity for the boy. They took him in as one of their own and showed Sim how to be a proper sailor.

Sim is now an old man. Time has covered his wounds and he has moved on. But he’ll never forget the day that his parents gave up their lives, in his stead, to a gang of violent carrots.

by Pratt talent

#3: Lancelot Schaubert – I loved this tale because it’s mysterious and very tall – what does the pineapple mean? Why is he shouting at long last? It’s a tall well told that makes you continue telling it in your mind long after it’s done. (Lance literates at his blog, always full of wit and cool new info, go check out his post on a ninja warrior)

Lord Jim stepped up to the podium.
“Please state your name for the court,” said the judge.
“Lord Jim.”
“Jim, when did you meet Sailor Sim?” the lawyer asked.
“I was a’walking along the pier and came across this bearded old man. I asks a small child who it was and the child said, ‘That’s Sailor Sim. He was the one who found the way through the sea.’ ‘What way?’ I asks him. ‘The under-the-watercourse course. The river that runs under the sea. He was the one that sailed on the river that runs through a tunnel of water. He sailed the river all the way to the end and found the treasure at the end.’ ‘What was the treasure?’ I asks. ‘A pineapple,’ the kid says. ‘That it?’ I asks. ‘Nah,’ the kid says. ‘He lifted his pineapple up into the air and said, “Eureka! At long last!”‘”

“No further questions, your honor.”

Thanks ever so much everyone for contributing to the fun contest. All the winners can email me their addresses at:

ellieannwrites@gmail.com

And I’ll send you a supercool postcard with a tall tale written ‘specially for you.

Next tall tale we’ll go back to our regularly scheduled programming.

In order to be included in next tall tale tuesday, just leave a comment with the name of a country.

Happy trails, partners.

Tall Tale Tuesday: Your Turn

Your brilliant.

Ahem. haha. Oops. I mean…

You’re brilliant!

I believe that from the bottom of my heart. Even you in the back with orange Cheeto fingerprints on your shirt. You all have a story to tell and a huge imagination. Yes, even you who organizes your freezer food in alphabetical order and uses umbrellas during perfectly healthy rainstorms.

So now it’s your turn!

I’m going to give you a topic, and you make up a tall tale for it.

Of course, to start out you need a name:

SAILOR SIM

(this is not an actual picture of Sailor Sim. Sailor Sim might be a girl. Or a baby rhino. It’s up to you what Sailor Sim becomes)

Now you DON’T need any boundaries, for what else are tall tales for than to let your imagination soar out of the coral?

But if your imagination wants a little kick in the pants, here’s a topic for you:

FRUITS AND VEGETABLES

My three favorite tall tales win an award!

I’ll send you personal letter to your home or RV park with a handwritten tall tale about you, as thanks for your wonderfully entertaining tale.

The winners will be announced next Tall Tale Tuesday. This contest is also open until next Tall Tale Tuesday (in 14 days time). But please keep the tales concise.

Now create! Tell a tale! Make up lies! Entertain us!

Tell me a story:

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