Advice for Bella Swan

#1: If a guy you’re interested in admits to sneaking through your window and watching you sleep, “in order to protect you,” then you should call the cops. Immediately.

#2: Girlfriends are not just to hang out with when Edward is busy. Girlfriends actually help teach about healthy relationships . . . you know . . . perspective, give-and-take, conversation, all that stuff that you and Edward don’t do very well. And, when Edward runs off because he knows what’s best for you,  they’re there. Unless, of course, you’ve disintegrated the relationship with them first.

#3: Get a hobby. Boyfriending is not a hobby.

PINING for boyfriend is not a hobby, either.

#4: If you start to feel depressed and suicidal when Edward leaves you, see a counselor. These are some things you might be experiencing, check all that apply:

_ You want to disengage from life.

_ You lose track of time.

_ When in dangerous scenarios, you see hallucinations of your old boyfriend.

_ You purposefully put yourself in dangerous scenarios (getting a motorcycle ride from a stranger, riding motorcycles even though you have no interest in riding motorcycles, jumping off cliffs, etc.) in order to see hallucinations of your old boyfriend.

_ You start hanging out with a new guy, before you’re even over the old guy.

If you checked one or more of the boxes, talk to a friend or counselor right away.

#5: Don’t wear a cardigan to prom. Just . . . don’t.

#6: Don’t kiss a guy you love in front of the other guy you love. It makes you all douchebags.

#7: It is not normal to be covered in bruises after you have sex. Don’t tell the guy “it’s okay, they don’t even hurt,” because even in fantasy land, since when do bruises not hurt? If you’re trying to reassure him when you’re hurt, I’d start to seek professional help.

#8: Just because a guy tells you he can’t get you pregnant, doesn’t mean it’s true. Especially if you haven’t known him that long. Especially if you don’t have medical proof. At least make the guy wear a rubber!

#9: Smile. It’s fun! It’s also attractive

#10: If a guy, any guy, tells you he’s in love with your toddler and she’s his soul mate and he doesn’t mind waiting for her then get him away from her immediately. Even in fantasy glittery unicorn land, that’s just so wrong.

NO.

Does anyone else have any advice for Bella Swan?

Which Avenger Are You?

Which Avenger Are You Quiz

At a party, you:

a.)   Drink your fill of ale and parade your hammer around the room.

b.)  Listen inconspicuously in the corner. By the end of the night, you know the secrets and back story of everyone in the room.

c.)   Get drunk and try to draw STARK with permanent marker on everyone’s forehead.

d.)  Hang around playing darts. You also never miss a shot.

e.)   You don’t party, they’re too stressful.

f.)    You dance with the ladies, seducing them with your gallantry and old-fashioned romance.

In regards to dating:

a.)   You’ll date girls who think you’re as awesome as you think you are.

b.)  You don’t date. Bad things happen to people you date.

c.)   All 13 MAXIM cover models, please.

d.)  Picky. There’s one . . . but bad things might happen to you if you pursue it.

e.)   You don’t date. It’s too stressful.

f.)    Girls. Any girls. But preferably soldier girls.

Your strength:

a.)   Loyalty

b.)  Reading people

c.)   Seeing the big picture

d.)  True aim, no matter the target

e.)   Humility

f.)    Nobility

If you want to relax, you:

a.) Take a trip on the rainbow bridge.

b.) Who has free time? There are missions, only missions.

c.) Reads Extraction Theory papers.

d.) Teaches the Olympics Archery Team a few tricks.

e.) Helps people.

f.) Works out.

In regards to authority:

a.)   I AM the authority.

b.)  I obey orders, but develop a plan b. and a plan c.

c.)   Would make a good leader, if not for a few narcisstic personality traits. Authority is to be used for my own benefit.

d.)  I aim to please.

e.)   Authority and I don’t get along well together.

f.)    Yessir, right away sir. Unless someone I respect tells me to discover the reasoning behind an order, I obey it no matter what.

In the heat of battle:

a.)   It gets lightning hot.

b.)  I use other’s weakness against them, and manipulate settings to my own advantage.

c.)   I have the smarts and technology to plan ahead and finish the job. Also missiles. Lots of missiles.

d.)  It’s incredible how much damage one strategic shot will cause.

e.)   SMASH.

f.)    Good at holding a defensive line, human relations, and am very quick.

ANSWER KEY:

Mostly A’s: Thor

Mostly B’s: Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow)

Mostly C’s: Tony Stark (Ironman)

Mostly D’s: Clint Barton (Hawkeye)

Mostly E’s: Bruce Banner (Hulk)

Mostly F’s: Steve Rogers (Captain America)

Which Avenger Are You?

The Aliens Made Me Do It

Aliens. They’re among us. They’re getting all the glory. And I say NO MORE!

Ancient Aliens is documentary about a group of xenoarcheologists (based on my extensive knowledge of Latin roots I think it means either Men Who Scour the Earth for Signs of Aliens or Men Who Study Their Fingertips) who give proof that extraterrestrials visited ancient earth and gave technology to man. In essence, I think they are saying, “People who lived in the olden days were too durned dumb to come up with something we’ve never thought of. So obviously aliens told them how to do it. It’s the only plausible answer!”

We don’t have the capabilities to transport rocks like they did in ancient times, so obviously they cheated and asked E.T. for help.

We have no idea how they made such precise cuts in rocks, and stonecutters marvel over the designs they see in ancient buildings. Obviously, the ancients had a District 9 of their own.

And when we see model airplanes with perfect aerodynamics, so perfect that airplanes might actually not have been first invented by the Wright brothers, obviously those cave dwellers were given the airplanes from the Jetsons.

But I think this is hardly fair. If we see something cool our ancestors have done, I think we should give them credit for it.

I think the whole idea is based on this philosophy:

Mankind is growing more cultured, developed, and intelligent as time goes on.

Maybe this is true. Maybe not. Maybe in some parts of the world it’s true. Maybe in some parts of the world it’s not. We have radioactive material that can destroy cancer in humans and save their lives. We also have radioactive material that people have used to destroy entire cities.

But wouldn’t it be funny if, two thousand years from now (God willing Planet Earth lasts that long) if our predecessors found a smart phone, marveled over the technology, and then concluded that obviously aliens had visited and told us how to make it. ha!

What if our future generations found remains of gaming consoles, and concluded that aliens had hooked us up to machines to brain wash us? (if so, then it’s working)

What if our kids found old Lady Gaga music videos, and concluded that aliens actually walked among us?

It would serve us right after thinking we were way smarter than people 2,000 years ago.

How To Be The Best Maid of Honor Ever

Last weekend I was a maid of honor at my sister’s wedding. Well, technically I was a matron of honor, but that term just sounds so . . . I don’t know, matronly. And old. Anyways, I had a lot of good ideas about how to be a good maid of honor and wanted to share my wisdom with you all.

#1: Chocolate and Comfort Food

This might be enough

This is a very stressful time for the bride.

As everyone knows, eating chocolate and other comfort foods give a rush of endorphins to the brain.

So I suggest providing bowls of chocolates, candy bars, warm cookies, chips, fried chicken, pizza, and chocolate covered strawberries for her at all times. Put them in every room of the house. Fill your purse full of them. Never run out. This is what makes the best maid of honor.

Notice her getting a little testy? Give her a chocolate bar. Is she worried because the flowers haven’t arrived yet? Fry her some chicken wings. Did she snap at someone? Offer her some chocolate milk. She can’t fall asleep? Make her some chocolate chip cookies. Is she suddenly freaking out because she can’t fit in her wedding dress and has to get it re-sized the day of the wedding? Just give her some warm baked pretzels. That’ll calm her down.

#2: Cure for Cold Feet

Sometimes the bride gets cold feet.

Just give her some warm socks or something.

#3: Cure for another form of Cold Feet

 The closer to the wedding day, the more clearer the bride will realize, “I’m gonna be with this guy FOREVER.” Usually this will induce, in the least, hesitancy . . . at the most, panic. Whatever state the bride is in, I suggest you play up the groom’s strengths when you’re around him. Really make him look good. Remind her why she decided to get hitched to him in the first place.

I suggest you walk up to the groom and tell him why he’s such a good guy, all the things he’s good at, why you respect him, and what a great lover he is. Be specific and don’t be afraid to gush. Make sure the bride can hear you tell him these things and she’ll surely lose her cold feet. Surely.

#4: Sabotage the other Bridesmaids

 Of course the bride will look the best on the wedding day. This is a must. But sometimes you’ll have to work for that to happen. Now this is the time when you may have to throw some of your ethics out the window, which is a fair trade considering all the free food you’ll get during the wedding week.

So, to ensure the bride is #1, you have to make sure the bridesmaids are not hot. Sometimes the bride has already ensured this by choosing hideous bridesmaids dresses, but if she hasn’t then it’s up to you. Be creative. Let your inner vindictive Queen Bee go wild.

Here are some ideas, free of charge. Put bridesmaid’s hairspray label over PAM oil spray, put skin bronzer in their lotion, hide their makeup bags, and put fake tattoos on their biceps as they sleep. That’ll do it, but if you have more creative ideas I’d love to hear them.

#5: Make Sure She’s Prepared

 Most brides have thought out almost everything. But sometimes they aren’t prepared for everything that might go wrong. As Puddleglum says, “Prepare for the worst, and you’ll never be taken by surprise.” That’s why I suggest showing the bride YouTube videos of anything that could go wrong during weddings. Just so she knows what to expect.

What do you think makes a good maid of honor?

Anything else I could add to the list?

Thilly Thursday: My Book Can Beat Up Your Book

May I introduce to you THE BIGGEST BOOK IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!

The Circus

by Noel Daniel

Yeah. It’s huge. Ginormous.

(This is me, straining to lift it above my head. Alas, I cannot.

I am sure my fear of being crushed is palpable, though.)

It’s the behemoth of literature. It’s the giant of the publishing world. It’s the megatron of all printed pages.

It’s too big for bookshelves.

It’s dwarfs the other books, making them feel small and insignificant (even such works as Plato’s Symposium)

After you read it for any amount of time, you get so tired you have to take a nap. The nice thing about it is you can use it as a foot rest!

Other great uses for it: table, shield, a weight, a chair, or a TV stand.

It’s the most gorgeous book, inside and out. Its text is in three different languages. The full-color illustrations inside are breathtaking, and most of them have never been printed before. It gives a magnificent and extensive view of circus’, past and present. 5 STARS.

But let’s face it, the size is almost gaudy. It’s wacky and impractical and people can’t help but stare and marvel. Kinda like the circus itself.

In other news, I won a pair of TOMS from the one and only Knox McCoy. Side note: I’m sure he’s not literally the only Knox McCoy in the world, as there are a lot of McCoy’s in Ireland and the Appalachian Mountains, but he’s the one and only Knox McCoy with his unique DNA. Anyways, I won these shoes at a contest on his site . . . which is totally AWESOME because I’ve been needing new shoes and I wanted TOMS but they were too expensive and then voila! I win some TOMS. Knox is like my angel, for the moment.

And now he gets free sole advertising, a very lucrative type of advertising. I drew GO VISIT (a remarkable artistic rendition of a meatloaf) KNOX MCCOY.COM on the soles of the shoes, because I was so thankful to have won them from him. Thanks Knox!

If my soles have got you interested in Knox McCoy’s site, I urge you to follow your instincts and go check it out.

Cya later, ye nasty sea rats.

(Oh, sorry. That Piratese just slipped out. Betcha didn’t know I spoke Pirate?)

Chinese Buffet Rules and Guidelines

For the sake of this post, I’m going to pretend that you’ve never been to a Chinese buffet in your life. You’re a Chinese buffet virgin and you don’t know what’s in store.

So instead of charging into the Chinese buffet palace and demanding rights where you have none or expecting service where there is none, I’ve set up some rules and guidelines for you noobs.

Rules

(like the 10 Commandments, dawg)

These can NOT be broken, unless you want to incur the wrath of the waving golden cat who comes to life at night and chews off the fingernails of offensive patrons.

Rule #1: Wave to the cat

Like I said, this cat has mystical nocturnal powers. When you enter the Chinese buffet and see the cat waving at you, you must wave back. If you feel like this is not enough homage to the cat, or feel like the cat is giving you a dirty look, then I suggest you bow or curtsy to it, just in case. If you have any affection for your fingernails you must obey this rule.

Rule #2: Waiting an appropriate amount of time after the waiter/waitress takes your drink order

(probably not what the waiting staff will wear)

Chances are, once you’ve entered and waved to the cat and all the delicious aromas have been inhaled and sunk deep in your skin, you’ll be consumed with a ravishing hunger.

Now you might be tempted to go straight to the buffet and start piling food on a plate.

Do NOT do this. Yet. Or else you won’t know which table the waitress has picked out for you.

Once you see the table she picked for you, you might be temped to go straight to the buffet and start piling food on your plate.

Do NOT do this. Yet. Or else your drink order won’t be taken, and after three plates of soy sauce soaked entrees you’ll really regret it. Tell the waitress your drink order.

Note: some people like to stay standing while telling the wait staff their drink order, just so they’ll have a quick getaway. However, I like to sit at the table, and make sure my silverware and napkin are there because there’s nothing so heartbreaking as getting back to the table with platefuls of food and having no utensils to eat it with. Some (in their grief) start shoveling food in their mouths with their fingers. But I have honor, I will never be caught in such a devastating situation.

Now that you know where your table is, and the wait staff knows what drink to bring you, NOW is the time to sprint to the buffet.

Rule #3: NO SPRINTING

Are you crazy? Do not sprint in the restaurant. A small child could dart in front of you and you’d run them over. Running over a child is something you’d regret for the rest of your life, even if you did get your full of Chinese cuisine.

Rule #4: The Wonton Rule

In past Chinese restaurant experiences, you’ve probably only seen wontons or crab rangoon come in numbers of 4-6. But at the buffet, they are innumerable. As many as the stars in the sky. As many as the sands on a seashore. It can be overwhelming.

You may want to eat the whole of their numbers.

But there is a hard and fast rule about how many wontons you can consume.

Under no circumstances are you supposed to eat more wontons than the pounds that you weigh.

If you weigh 115 lbs, you may eat 115 wontons. If you weigh 285 lbs, you may have 285 crab rangoons.

That’s the law, baby. No way around it.

My little girl can only eat 24. I can usually have 156, thought sometimes I can have 160 or 165 (usually after I’ve been going to a lot of Chinese buffets recently.)

So before you go to the buffet, I recommend you weigh yourself just to make sure you don’t overeat. And don’t try to fake it by acting fatter than you are! Remember, the cat is always watching.

Rule #5: Tip Your Wait Staff

I know, I know. The waiter/waitress did not take food orders or bring appetizers of any of the busy work most wait staff have to do. But they did have to clear your plates. Sometimes this can be an arduous process. They also have to keep your beverage refilled, which is a big job considering all the sodium you’re ingesting.

Plus, and this is the biggie: they just had to watch you stuff your face for the last 30 minutes with an ungodly quantity of food. This is more like an apology, than a tip.

Guidelines

(like the Pirate’s Code, y’all)

Guideline #1: The middle of the liners

Sometimes you’ll see someone in the middle of the buffet. You’ll need the crab rangoon (or Sesame Chicken) (or sautéed green beans) (or crab legs) that is just to the left of them. You’re afraid that if you go right to the dish you want you’ll reach it at the same time they’ll grab the handle of the serving spoon.

The guideline is wait.

I know it’s hard. Believe me. I know how hard it is. But just wait until they’ve moved on before you serve your plate because nothing is more awkward than reaching for the serving spoon at the same time, and then starting a brawl over who grabbed it first.

Guideline #2: American Food disdain

This may be extremely shocking to you, but some people go to a Chinese buffet and only eat the American food there.

If you can call it food.

The Chinese are so disdainful of the American food that they don’t even try to make it appetizing. Re-heated chicken nuggets. Frozen pizza. Salmon with cheese on it. Mussels with cheese on it. Potatoes with cheese on it. They’ll just sprinkle cheese on any frozen entree and call it their “American selection.” Be sure to show an appropriate amount of disdain for this section, as if it offends you to just see it there. The cooks and wait staff will appreciate it. I mean, come on. Cheese on mussels? What’s next? Cream cheese in sushi?!

Guideline #3: Appropriate number of sushi

Most people should be able to eat 5 sushi and call it a meal.

Isn’t that what sushi is supposed to be? It’s all about balance and an excellent sufficiency.

Which of course comes against everything a Chinese buffet stands for.

Our Chinese buffet in town has an amazing sushi chef, he creates sushi so beautiful and tasty and perfectly crafted that every bite is like a celebration in your mouth. YOU WANT TO EAT A HUNDRED OF THEM!

But of course, if you pile a hundred sushi on your plate, the sushi chef will give you a withering glance that says, “I ate three of these for breakfast and I am still satisfied.”

In order to avoid that withering glance, I suggest only putting 5-7 sushi on your plate. He’ll probably raise his eyebrow at you, but nothing worse than that.

But how do you get more, you ask?

I suggest bringing several disguises in a suitcase with you. You see, if you’re wearing glasses and a cowgirl outfit he’ll not realize you were the same person who just came a minute ago. And after that plate is finished, simply put on your dwarf maiden costume and go get some more. You’ll never receive that withering glance, and you’ll probably even get a few appreciate glances for your awesome replica mithril chain mail.

So there you have it, dudes and dames. The rules and regulations regarding Chinese buffets.

If you have any of your own, or remember one that I forgot please say so in the comments!

I don’t want to upset the cat.

I’m always watching you

How to Escape from the V.A. Hospital

This brilliant little piece will come in handy to me one day, I just know it. It’s such a gem that I couldn’t keep it to myself, I had to share it with you all. Just in case . . . you know, you might need it one day!

It’s written by none other than Capt H.M. “Howling Mad” Murdock from the A-Team. What’s that? You haven’t seen the A-Team? You ARE crazy, then, and are in much need of this essay. If you haven’t seen the fun series or recent movie, go rectify that immediately.

Another thing. It’s written with assistance from Howling Mad Heather herself, from Prawn and Quartered. What’s that you say? You haven’t read Prawn and Quartered? Insane! Go! Go read it now! Her blog is hilarious and witty and utterly mad. I love it.

Without further ado, I give you this helpful how to:

How to Escape from the V.A. Hospital

By Capt. H.M. “Howling Mad” Murdock

(with assistance from Howling Mad Heather)

Well hey, there, muchacho! I guess you’re here ‘cause you want to learn all my tricks for escaping the looney bin. Y’know, the booby hatch, the nutbin, the place with the very latest in white rubber furniture? I’ve been here a long time. It’s not too bad if ya like playing lots of video games, hanging out with your invisible dog (Billy, down!) and scarfing down cafeteria food. But once in a while I like to live dangerously and visit the real world. That’s where this little guide comes in handy.

 

First and foremost: it helps to have a really, really handsome guy as your best friend. I always said I was the good-looking member of the A-Team, but I can’t really compare to my good buddy the Faceman, can I? This is handy for a couple reasons. Y’see, Face always manages to turn on the charm around the pretty young things who work at the V.A. Sometimes they might get wise to him, which is when he goes to his secret weapon. That smile. The one that makes girls say “yes” without every being asked a question. I dunno how he does it. He once scammed us a ’53 Cadillac in the middle of ‘Nam and he hasn’t looked back since. He’s he kind of guy who could sell Frigidaires to Eskimos, right?

Sometimes he can’t make it. I forgive him. He’s hanging out at one of his beach houses or producing a movie. That’s where the Colonel’s training comes in. Old Hannibal, he always has a Plan B for everything. So do I. If Face can’t come and bust me out, I gotta get creative. There’s the old tried and true stuff, like the pillows under the bed with one of my baseball caps and a spare pair of Chuck Taylors (the orderlies always fall for it), the convenient power outages late at night (just mess with the wiring in the control room, and whammo-bammo, instant darkness), and even that one time I dug the tunnel right on outta here. ‘Course, I made the mistake of digging it right underneath the doc’s office. Oops. But, ya know, there’s plenty of ways to escape. I know…I’ve used ‘em all at one point or another. I gotta be with my team. Otherwise I just might go crazy.

Then there’s those times when you just need a little extra muscle. Guess who taught me all I know? Yep, that big angry mudsucker, the Baracan One himself. I’m never gonna be as big and tough and mean as he is (have you seen him recently?!) but I can throw punches and kicks (hiYAH!) with the best of ‘em. And if I ever get into a tight spot I know my best buddy B.A. will be right there for me. Deep down inside I know he likes me.

Oh, there’s another couple things I should mention. Good props are the escapee’s best friend. It’s kinda like being an actor (Hannibal would tell ya otherwise). Wheelchairs are great. So are crutches, black leather gloves, trash bags, roller skates, unicycles, pogo sticks, Roman candles, and yes, invisible pets. Speaking of acting, always put on a good show. Make like you’re dying. The whitecoats love it when I do that. It’s grand theatre. I love acting almost as much as the Colonel does, ‘cept mine is Theatre of the Absurd. If I don’t keep it up I might not get my free room and board, ya know?

I guess what I’m sayin’ here is, ya gotta be creative. Escaping is an art form. I’m a master. My team, and everybody else, thinks I’m nutso, crazy, loony, koo-koo, and, like my name says, a little howling mad. You know what? I just let ‘em. I can get outta here whenever I like. With a little help from my friends…or my invisible dog…or my imagination.

 Stay imaginative, muchacho!

All the best,

Captain H.M. “Howling Mad” Murdock

Kony 2012

It’s a phenomenon now. Bringing Kony to justice.

We’re all twitterpated over it, wanting to see this mass murderer, this rapist, this destroyer of peace, this hater of mankind to justice. We’re calling for his death, us Americans.

Invisible Children’s organization is really good at telling stories, at showing our culture what happened, and at making movies. This is an invaluable tool, an important work! They are awesome at awareness and marketing. They should use this gift. (note: they are also good at starting schools, counseling victims, and building a radio tower in the DRC to track Kony’s movements and hopefully save lives. Priceless work, so important.)

My family, Eddie and Emilie Gonzalez, are living in Uganda. They’ve seen the devastating effects of the Lord’s Resistance Army, (and a thousand other causes that brought about terrible effects in the countries, this is not a simple issue my friends.) They’re “neighbors” with Invisible Children’s on-ground work there.

Invisible Children’s aid workers don’t have a lot of respect in the country, mostly because they don’t spend a lot of time/energy/money on the people there. But they are good at making movies. As my sister, Emilie, says,

“They aren’t respected here on the ground because most money stays in the States- but they’re good at awareness, just not development & healing. Kony really is on his last leg anyway, but he hasn’t been in Uganda in awhile.”

Which brings us to the new point in their organization.

KONY.

This whole campaign is to bring him to his death.

What if some young men from Uganda came to New York and filmed a documentary about the 9/11 terrorist attack. “This is awful! Those brutal terrorists performed a travesty in your country! Let us help you bring them to justice.”

First, we’d say: “we don’t need your help to bring them to justice. We have our own army, and have dealt with bringing them to justice as best as we know how.” (this is true for Sudan and Uganda as well. However, the LRA is still a small and scared rebel band in the DRC, but the DRC won’t let any foreign soldiers in anymore.)

Second, we’d say: “It has been a while. You’re a little late.”

Third, we’d say: “If you really want to help us, then help the widows and orphans they left. Help council and heal the victims. And for goodness sake, if you can do anything to help our debt or economy the war helped ruin, that would be awesome.”

First, I feel like this is not our place to call for justice for Kony. We weren’t the ones devastated by him.

Second, I feel very uncomfortable with saying that Invisible Children is giving a voice to the voiceless. I think that is a complete lie. They have been voicing and crying and screaming forever, we just haven’t listened. What Invisible Children does is communicate with the West in a way that we can understand.

Third, what will we be doing if we give Kony justice? Bringing MORE guns into the country. Bringing MORE soldiers into the country. Bringing MORE hate and killing into the country. Like this:

(photo by Glenna Gordon)

Good heavens. Help us.

Please. PLEASE. Let’s be better humans than that.

I believe if we truly cared what Kony did against the people of Uganda or Sudan, we would not send more guns and soldiers in. We would send teachers, nurses, and counselors in. PLEASE, please send teachers, nurses, and counselors to Uganda and Sudan. Stop sending guns and knives. Stop sending soldiers. Stop sending free food. Stop sending free clothes. Stop sending our leftovers. Give trueness, and quality.

What will happen when this is all over?

Kony will be dead.

But unless we prevent more Kony’s from rising up (through lack of education, lack of jobs, and complete poverty) then I guarantee you from the bottom of my heart this history will repeat itself.

It’s easy to kill Kony.

It’s hard to kill what created Kony.

If you’re interested in more articles about the Invisible Children and Kony 2012 issue, here are two interesting articles on it, both written by people who were there:

Thoughts on Kony by Travis Curtice

The Visible Problem with Invisible Children

AND

here is a post by Invisible Children addressing many of their critiques.

What do you think?

So Different We’re the Same

When you stop and think about it, we’re all so different.

So different

Wait, not these guys. They’re identical. But they’re computer programs so they don’t count.

Except, then if you think about it some more, you’ll realize we’re all pretty much the same.

Unless you’re a heartless narcissist psychotic rhino, seeing this picture you’ll probably say, “awwwww.”

We all want different things out of life, if you think about it.

Want?

And yet, when it comes down to it. Life, food, clothes, shelter . . . we all pretty much want the same things.

All over the world, we have different rules and laws that govern our morals.

But still, there are some laws that are the same no matter what part of the world you’re standing in.

People say “beautiful,” to so many, many different things.

But some things are universally declared as “beautiful.”

In a way though, “ugly,” is as diverse as beautiful is.

Even hyenas can be loved

Though sometimes “ugly,” is concrete.

Rage. Ugly in any language.

Some things people fear, others find cuddly.

Some things people find cuddly, others fear.

Some things people find sacred, others scorn.

Some things people find preposterous, others worship.

Is love the same for everyone? I think so.

Is hate the same for everyone? I believe so.

There are some truths that are locked in, foundational, eternal, steadfast.

Other truths are discovered for yourself, diverse, challenged, cloudy, full of wonder, and sometimes only loved by a few people.

Living is a funny business.

This world is a weird place.

It’s to be rejoiced over. And mourned over.

It’s to be explored.

How to *not* Win Friends & Influence People

I go to reading time at the library every week. It’s like going to the bar to pick up chicks except I’m going to pick up play-date friends for my kids.

It was time for the parachute game. Hundreds of cotton balls were flying through the air and falling like snow over the carpet. The atmosphere was quite friendly. I turned to the nice woman beside me and smiled.

“Having a good day?” she asked.

“Yep, I got my laundry finished so-” I laughed. “It’s definitely a good day.”

“Oh,” she said. “I always get my laundry finished.”

She smiled.

I smiled, or grimaced. I can’t remember which.

Sometimes you just don’t hit it off with someone.

Here are some other ways to not hit it off with a new friend.

-Like, when you’re at the theater with a friend and repeat the best lines out loud, with a grin and a giggle. In an English accent. And then post the quotes on FB. *bonus points for muttering them to yourself as you type them into your phone* Do this often enough and your friend will probably only go to movies with you that have terrible lines.

-Like, when it’s time to leave a play-date and you tell your friend, “Why don’t your kids pick up the toys because it’ll set a good example for my kids?”

-Like, if you beg to see pictures of them in high school and then laugh at them for being so dorky. *bonus points for stealing one and putting it on FB*

They’re so rad because of their khakis and tattoos.

“What instrument do you play, Don?”

“I play the shoe.” 

No. Words. Needed.

-Like, if you keep forgetting what gender their new baby is. “Oh, she’s so cute. I mean … he’s so cute. What gender is your baby again?” *who knew Adam wasn’t an androgynous name?*

-Like, if your friend says she thinks your child has a poopy diaper you say, “Whoever smelt it dealt it.” “What?” “HA! If you smell it first you have to change it. House rules.”

-Like, if you offer to wash their car, and when they accept you say, “Oh that was a rhetorical question because you really need to wash your car.”

-Like, if you’re at a new friends house and you check out all the medications in their medicine cabinet and then call the cops because you found illicit drugs. *turns out rohypnol and rocephin aren’t the same thing*

-Like, if you invite them to get drunk and go streaking and when they refuse you call them a coward in front of their children and then put up flyers all around their neighborhood with their picture and COWARD printed under it.

-Like, if every time they cuss, you cross yourself.

-Like, if you ask to borrow their couch for the weekend and then never return it . . . and ask if they want to help you haul yours to the thrift store.

-Like, if anytime their dog barks you bark back.

Some friendships are just not meant to be.

So, like . . . how do you *not* win friends and influence people?

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 397 other followers

%d bloggers like this: