New Years Resolutions 2013

1.) Train as an astronaut and go to the moon.

2.) Write 6 novels in 6 different genres. One book has to be a paleontology textbook and another has to be historical fiction romance thriller about Nero burning Rome.

3.) Win the Newberry Award, the Hugo Award, the Nobel Peace Prize, the Pulitzer award, and an Oscar for Best Screenplay. However, the Pulitzer is not mandatory because I don’t even read the news.

4.) Win 1st prize in the Revere Beach Sand Sculpting Festival.

sandcastle_03(mine will look something like this, except much grander)

5.) Learn to use throwing knives. Go to the forest and live for a week off of the animals I hunt with my throwing knives.

6.) End human trafficking. Possibly end the drug wars in Mexico, if my throwing knife skills are developed.

7.) Watch The Hobbit premiere in New Zealand, dressed as Smaug.

images

I’ll hopefully find something a bit more terrifying than this by December.

8.) Teach my kids how to play the piano, recite the entire New Testament, learn ballet, learn taekwondo, how to cook, how to deep clean the house, how to write research essays, and how to drive.

kid_behind_wheel

(not my kid. my kid has better form.)

9.) Get a doctorate degree in medical research and then find a cure for cancer.

10.) Start making more reasonable goals for myself.

What are your 2013 Resolutions?

Olympic Sports That Didn’t Quite Make It

 

- Three Legged Races

“We feared those born with three legs would have too great an advantage.”

The dangerous side of three legged races (no one was harmed in the shooting of that photo)(I don’t think)

(photo by Simon Li)

- Blindfolded Skiing

“Too many skiers ended up buried face down in snowdrifts.”

- Ostrich Dressage

“The horses got jealous.”

(Photo by Hadsie)

- Synchronized Eating

“It was beautiful, absolutely beautiful the teams could simultaneously consume melons and Reuben sandwiches, but when it came to corn on the cob no one was Olympic quality. We’re waiting for someone good enough to represent the sport.”

- Bowling

“There was no smoking allowed on Olympic property.”

- Greased Pig Wrestling

“Wrestling Freestyle is close enough.”

- Costumed Fencing

“Everyone was fighting over who got to be Inigo Montoya.”

(photo by vmcampos)

- Fighter Jet Fights

“Jets are too expensive to send to the Olympics.”

- Competitive Beer Drinking

“The Irish had too great of an advantage.”

-Tug-of-War

This was actually an Olympic Event until 1920. in 1908, the gold medal went to a squad made up of London’s police force.

(photo by eFF-bKK)

- Tiger Hunting in the Congo

“Deemed too dangerous.”

- Speed Recitation of the Iliad

“Deemed too dull.”

- Whip Marksmanship

“Deemed too manly.”

- Rope Climbing

“Deemed too simple.”

- Poodle Clipping

This was an actual event in the 1900 Paris, France Olympics. 6,000 people gathered to watch 128 competitors race to see who could clip the most poodles. Avril Lafoule won, clipping 17 poodles in 2 hrs. THAT’S A LOTTA POODLE FUR, dudes and dames!

Glenn the Poodle (photo by Dimidus)

- Competitive Twirling Around Bats

“This would be my personal favorite, as the comedic value would be priceless. Just what the Olympics need to loosen all those tense nerves.”

Bat Spinning. Just like baseball except . . . funny.

(photo by mtsofan)

How To Be Rich And Get Whatever You Want

This is the guide to being rich and getting whatever you want. QUICKLY.

After reading this post, I guarantee you will know a surefire way to own anything you desire, including love. You’ve heard in the songs that love can’t be bought but that’s not entirely true for most of humanity. Of course, true love is another matter and it can’t be bought with bazillions of dollars though bazillions of dollars often destroys true love.

Anyway, let’s get back to our scheming.

After paying me a small fee of only $4.98 you’ll know the secret to being rich and getting whatever you want.  Not only that, but I’ll send you my kit to never-ending possessions. How do you know you can trust me? Because my cousin’s husband is a CPA and he once said, “you make really good potato salad,” to me. And also because I’ve had three children who are still thriving and healthy and out of prison. And because three of my relatives are doctors (one is a doctor of philosophy which gives me an extra well-rounded doctor family). So if those credentials don’t pass for you, I don’t know what will. Sheesh, get off your high horse.

Okay, now we’ve gone over how trustworthy I am, it’s time to start.

First put the $4.98 (what a bargain!) in an envelope and send it to me before you read any further.

Did you do it? No cheating! I know where you live! Wait, that wasn’t supposed to come out.

Alrighty. If you’ve paid then you can continue reading.

Ellie Ann’s Get Rich Quick and Get Whatever You Want Guide

Kit includes:

First, you will need comfortable running shoes on.

Second, you will have to get in good running shape. Being able to climb over chain link fences is a must.

Third, conceal your super secret identity concealer (aka, mustache and glasses combo) somewhere on your person.

Fourth, find what you want. This could be a purse. A bra. A power tool. A llama. A llama with a power tool. An antique book. A poster of Orlando Bloom. A poster of Orlando Bloom with an antique book. A car. A gold bar. A gold car. Whatever it is you want, then get your eye on it.

Fifth, look around. Make sure no one sees you. This is when you put on your super secret identity.

Sixth, Steal the item.

Seventh, Run away.

And that’s it. The quickest way to being rich and getting whatever you want that I’ve ever heard of. I know what you’re probably thinking; it’s so simple! Don’t worry, I didn’t really think of this brilliant method until I watched Gone In 60 Seconds and Oceans 11 and Bonnie and Clyde, all in one night. It was then the method just came to me.

But I can’t leave you with only that, there are too many mistakes to be had. Here are some free tips:

- Practice with your lock pick before you try to open a store or car door with it. It’s trickier than they let on in the movies.

- If you’re holding up an old woman, speak up. They are hard of hearing.

- If someone catches you in the act, you are walking a tenuous line. This is what separates the good from the great. If you are a girl, burst into tears and tell them your abusive husband’s cousin is forcing you to steal but you never would except then the goddess Diana appeared to you and said if you complied then your wheel-chair bound daughter will walk again. They’ll be so confused by the personal, religious, ethical statements that they’ll get flustered and let you go. However, if you are a man, I suggest you burst into tears and go on about your abusive husband’s cousin forcing you to steal but you never would except the goddess Diana appears to you and . . . .well, you know the rest. It usually works like magic.

- Lastly, I suggest moving quite often. When your neighbor asks for the third time if that lawn mower is theirs because they have an identical one that was stolen last week, it’s time to go.

So, I guess that’s it. And you’re welcome! I’m always happy to help.

Aren’t get rich quick guides awesome?

Do you have anything more to add to this method?

Hilarious Old Ads

Lane Bryant eventually changed their advertisement campaign to not include, “For girls and teens too chubby to fit into regular sizes.”

Hilarious. Because what says fun and exciting more than hand puppets?

I’m SO glad I can burn off my weight while cleaning so than I won’t have to ask my husband for a gym membership.

Dude! All you have to do is buy a mixer and a wife and you’re SET for food for the rest of your life.

p.s. I see the man’s drinking wine. Is the wife drinking . . . Kool-Aid?

I’m not surprised at anything a parent might give their teething child. No judgement here.

I’m so thankful this ad taught me about emotional manipulation, but seriously . . . didn’t everyone learn that during their teen years?

If someone blew smoke in my face, I’d follow them alright *cracks knuckles.*

It says television will help your kids get their homework done, aka, KIDS GET YOUR HOMEWORK DONE OR YOU’LL NEVER WATCH TV AGAIN. It also says television strengthens family ties. BECAUSE WE ALL LOVE WATCHING THE WALKING DEAD TOGETHER! It also says the kids will be better behaved at school. BECAUSE WE WOULD ALL LOVE IT IF OUR KIDS ACTED LIKE THE CHARACTERS THEY WATCHED ON TV. “Kids! Stop reading! Go watch your cartoons!”

Who doesn’t need a pick-me-up? Moms certainly need one! Or two! Or three! And once she’s had enough, she’ll probably give a few drops to her children so they can feel as good as she does.

Can I use this on my husband, too? “The more you vacuum, the sexier you look!”

The cartoon killz me. Ha! Ha! Ha! *wipes away tears*

How early is too early? That is the question. Well I say as soon as the baby pops out the womb, it’s ready. Just warm up some cola and let ‘em guzzle it from a bottle so it will have a better chance of finding acceptance, “fitting in,” and guaranteed happiness, like the ad says.

“But Maaaawm, the Doctors are doing it!”

“They’re doing all sorts of things on Grey’s Anatomy, too. That doesn’t mean you should do it.”

This is how I rationalize ALL my decisions.

Sanitized Tape Worms. The End.

Which was your favorite ad? Have any comments?

Chinese Buffet Rules and Guidelines

For the sake of this post, I’m going to pretend that you’ve never been to a Chinese buffet in your life. You’re a Chinese buffet virgin and you don’t know what’s in store.

So instead of charging into the Chinese buffet palace and demanding rights where you have none or expecting service where there is none, I’ve set up some rules and guidelines for you noobs.

Rules

(like the 10 Commandments, dawg)

These can NOT be broken, unless you want to incur the wrath of the waving golden cat who comes to life at night and chews off the fingernails of offensive patrons.

Rule #1: Wave to the cat

Like I said, this cat has mystical nocturnal powers. When you enter the Chinese buffet and see the cat waving at you, you must wave back. If you feel like this is not enough homage to the cat, or feel like the cat is giving you a dirty look, then I suggest you bow or curtsy to it, just in case. If you have any affection for your fingernails you must obey this rule.

Rule #2: Waiting an appropriate amount of time after the waiter/waitress takes your drink order

(probably not what the waiting staff will wear)

Chances are, once you’ve entered and waved to the cat and all the delicious aromas have been inhaled and sunk deep in your skin, you’ll be consumed with a ravishing hunger.

Now you might be tempted to go straight to the buffet and start piling food on a plate.

Do NOT do this. Yet. Or else you won’t know which table the waitress has picked out for you.

Once you see the table she picked for you, you might be temped to go straight to the buffet and start piling food on your plate.

Do NOT do this. Yet. Or else your drink order won’t be taken, and after three plates of soy sauce soaked entrees you’ll really regret it. Tell the waitress your drink order.

Note: some people like to stay standing while telling the wait staff their drink order, just so they’ll have a quick getaway. However, I like to sit at the table, and make sure my silverware and napkin are there because there’s nothing so heartbreaking as getting back to the table with platefuls of food and having no utensils to eat it with. Some (in their grief) start shoveling food in their mouths with their fingers. But I have honor, I will never be caught in such a devastating situation.

Now that you know where your table is, and the wait staff knows what drink to bring you, NOW is the time to sprint to the buffet.

Rule #3: NO SPRINTING

Are you crazy? Do not sprint in the restaurant. A small child could dart in front of you and you’d run them over. Running over a child is something you’d regret for the rest of your life, even if you did get your full of Chinese cuisine.

Rule #4: The Wonton Rule

In past Chinese restaurant experiences, you’ve probably only seen wontons or crab rangoon come in numbers of 4-6. But at the buffet, they are innumerable. As many as the stars in the sky. As many as the sands on a seashore. It can be overwhelming.

You may want to eat the whole of their numbers.

But there is a hard and fast rule about how many wontons you can consume.

Under no circumstances are you supposed to eat more wontons than the pounds that you weigh.

If you weigh 115 lbs, you may eat 115 wontons. If you weigh 285 lbs, you may have 285 crab rangoons.

That’s the law, baby. No way around it.

My little girl can only eat 24. I can usually have 156, thought sometimes I can have 160 or 165 (usually after I’ve been going to a lot of Chinese buffets recently.)

So before you go to the buffet, I recommend you weigh yourself just to make sure you don’t overeat. And don’t try to fake it by acting fatter than you are! Remember, the cat is always watching.

Rule #5: Tip Your Wait Staff

I know, I know. The waiter/waitress did not take food orders or bring appetizers of any of the busy work most wait staff have to do. But they did have to clear your plates. Sometimes this can be an arduous process. They also have to keep your beverage refilled, which is a big job considering all the sodium you’re ingesting.

Plus, and this is the biggie: they just had to watch you stuff your face for the last 30 minutes with an ungodly quantity of food. This is more like an apology, than a tip.

Guidelines

(like the Pirate’s Code, y’all)

Guideline #1: The middle of the liners

Sometimes you’ll see someone in the middle of the buffet. You’ll need the crab rangoon (or Sesame Chicken) (or sautéed green beans) (or crab legs) that is just to the left of them. You’re afraid that if you go right to the dish you want you’ll reach it at the same time they’ll grab the handle of the serving spoon.

The guideline is wait.

I know it’s hard. Believe me. I know how hard it is. But just wait until they’ve moved on before you serve your plate because nothing is more awkward than reaching for the serving spoon at the same time, and then starting a brawl over who grabbed it first.

Guideline #2: American Food disdain

This may be extremely shocking to you, but some people go to a Chinese buffet and only eat the American food there.

If you can call it food.

The Chinese are so disdainful of the American food that they don’t even try to make it appetizing. Re-heated chicken nuggets. Frozen pizza. Salmon with cheese on it. Mussels with cheese on it. Potatoes with cheese on it. They’ll just sprinkle cheese on any frozen entree and call it their “American selection.” Be sure to show an appropriate amount of disdain for this section, as if it offends you to just see it there. The cooks and wait staff will appreciate it. I mean, come on. Cheese on mussels? What’s next? Cream cheese in sushi?!

Guideline #3: Appropriate number of sushi

Most people should be able to eat 5 sushi and call it a meal.

Isn’t that what sushi is supposed to be? It’s all about balance and an excellent sufficiency.

Which of course comes against everything a Chinese buffet stands for.

Our Chinese buffet in town has an amazing sushi chef, he creates sushi so beautiful and tasty and perfectly crafted that every bite is like a celebration in your mouth. YOU WANT TO EAT A HUNDRED OF THEM!

But of course, if you pile a hundred sushi on your plate, the sushi chef will give you a withering glance that says, “I ate three of these for breakfast and I am still satisfied.”

In order to avoid that withering glance, I suggest only putting 5-7 sushi on your plate. He’ll probably raise his eyebrow at you, but nothing worse than that.

But how do you get more, you ask?

I suggest bringing several disguises in a suitcase with you. You see, if you’re wearing glasses and a cowgirl outfit he’ll not realize you were the same person who just came a minute ago. And after that plate is finished, simply put on your dwarf maiden costume and go get some more. You’ll never receive that withering glance, and you’ll probably even get a few appreciate glances for your awesome replica mithril chain mail.

So there you have it, dudes and dames. The rules and regulations regarding Chinese buffets.

If you have any of your own, or remember one that I forgot please say so in the comments!

I don’t want to upset the cat.

I’m always watching you

Mad Monday: Women as Objects

I’m mad about the way women are viewed as objects. Women are turned into so many objects it’s not even funny.

A Whiteboard

A Sword Holder

A Lampstand

A Candelabra/Serving tray

A Paper Shredder

A Decorative Shrubbery

A Flag Pole

Emergency Toilet Paper Roll Service

A virgin sacrifice to stem the Titan’s wrath

A Lawn Mower

A Shot Glass

A Human Life Raft

But most of all, I hate it when people view women as a:

Pretty Tiger Pelt Rugs

Thilly Thursday: Grocery Store Hyde and His Shopping List

My shopping list always reads something like this:

-Milk

-Eggs

-Flour

-Sugar

-Toilet Paper

-Rice

-Fruit

-Frozen chicken breast

-Coffee

-Beans

-Lightbulbs

-With a few other ingredients mixed into the list.

I arrive at the store feeling confident that this time, THIS TIME I’ll go in, grab the groceries on my list, and come out. Ah, the naivety. Because once I go through the doors and smell the peaches and fresh sushi and have to stare down a Captain Crunch cardboard cut-out, I feel the familiar twitch in my spine and know that Grocery Shopping Hyde is about to take over.

I look at my list mournfully. “Lists are soooo dumb,” I tell my girls. “And they aren’t actually set in stone. They’re more like guidelines.”

I grab the essentials – coffee, milk, eggs first. But I have to do this while closing my eyes and plugging my nose – just to be sure that no advertisements or sales or samples will hypnotize me and my cart will suddenly be filled with wheels of cheese and chocolate & peanut butter ice cream.

But after bumping into dozens of people, upsetting a champagne pyramid and the cardboard cut-out of Captain Crunch, I have to open my eyes. And usually, this is when I snap. I buy the first package of processed food I see — on a lucky day, it’s OREOS. On an unlucky day, it’s oatmeal cream pies.

And then my girls will say in a very controlled and polite voice “Mama, can I have a toy?” (they’ve learned whining will get them nowhere good.)

“No,” I instantly respond. That was easy. But their wiles are deeper than I ever expect, and soon comes the second question.

“Mama, can we have some cookies?”

“Uh, I already have some OREOS in the cart.” I look down. Darn! Now that I’ve introduced my girls to the OREOS in the cart I can’t leave them with the cashier (buying the food is usually when I repent of my spontaneous purchases.)

“Can we have some chips?”

“No, we are going to get some flour and sugar.” I weave through the aisles, determined to get there before another boxed cookie makes my mouth water uncontrollably.

“Then can we have some gum?”

“Uh, sure,” I say, putting flour and sugar in my cart and crossing those items off my list.

Crossing off items is the best part of writing lists. It means however humble the to-do was that I checked off — I have proof that I got something done that day.

Then I go to the produce, and get lost in the jungle there. I snag strawberries and blueberries off their cardboard bushes, smell a few cantaloupe before I choose the “best” one (though I have no clue what a bad one smells like), knock on a few watermelon (though I have no clue what a bad watermelon sounds like), and pick several bags of romaine to last us through the week (we have a hopeless addiction to Caesar salad).

This is when I look in my cart and feel mighty proud of myself. And, as James Bond says, “Pride comes before the fall.” Or … was that God? I’m not sure. NEways, after I grab chicken, beans, and rice, I head on to get the lightbulbs and toilet paper before I hit the check out line.

And that’s when I see it.

JALAPENO CHEETOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A huge, orange, mountain of Jalapeno Cheetos sitting so passive aggressively there on its display. So spicy. So CHEESY! Tempting me. Toying with me. Oh. Man. I. Want. Them.

But I’m on a strict grocery budget and I’ve already splurged on the cookies and watermelon but I get to thinking — how vital is toilet paper anyway?

I mean, it’s not like there’s not a few rolls hidden somewhere in the bathroom cupboards (I’m sure), and it’s not like I need it RIGHT NOW (that would’ve been awkward), and it’s not like it’s going to be half as awesome as eating Cheetos on the couch after the kids go to bed.

I scan my list, seeing if there’s anything else I can cross off. Nope. Need flour for bread and sugar for coffee and milk for oatmeal and chicken fettuccine. I have to get lightbulbs so  I can read at night. But toilet paper? I brighten, suddenly remembering the seven boxes of Kleenex I bought the last time the kids had colds. Kleenex can totally be used for toilet paper-ish purposes!

I grab the Cheetos.

What’s grocery shopping like for you?

What do you splurge on?

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