Tall Tale Tuesday: Truth & Fiction

On Lynn Kelley’s 123rd birthday, her and Napoleon Dynamite invented the cure for cancer. It’s of course rather complicated to explain, I just know it involves cloned cells and llama spit.

Q: Who is the most feared name in pirate history?

A: Blackbeard. (But only because The Dread Pirate Robert’s name was ruined after Wesley mouthed off about how each captain passed down the name)

Bonus question: Who did Wesley elect as the new Dread Pirate Roberts when he went to save Buttercup?

A: Gene Lempp, the guy with his hands on backwards and completely covered in tattoos.

Kathy Owen taught Spiderman how to stop sucking the blood out of the criminals he caught in his webs, she said it was bad for PR.

art by Gabriele Dell’Otto

Amy Stevens (Life from the Trenches) challenged Pippi Longstocking to a horse bench-pressing tournament which lasted for days until Pippi’s pirate papa found a Pegasus that was so heavy that Pippi could only bench press 4 sets and Amy could do 5. Of course, that was only after Amy had eaten her spinach.

Renee A. Schuls-Jacobson officially changed her name to Ivanna Writemore until her novel was finished.

Fairytopia was in danger of being destroyed by Glendora Fudwaters and her toxic morning breath until Susie Lindau created a mouthwash in Glendora Fudwater’s favorite flavor (orange mint) and saved her fairy colony.

Chrystal and Anne of Green Gables were bosom buddies until they took a 18 hour car ride across Canada. Chrystal said Anne got too chatty. And Anne said … well, we don’t know what Anne said as she’s stranded in a gas station somewhere in Alberta.

Robin Hood and his Merry Men were actually shunned by the peasants (even though he truly wanted to do them good), because of their tight, green woolen pants until a milliner named Eden Baylee sewed them some new outfits.

“Why won’t ze peeples let us in their homes?”

“I zink we iz kewl now, ze peeples will luv us, merci, Eden Baylee!”

Sherlock Holmes took one look at JRD Skinner and told him his age, favorite bar, how many children he has, and the last four digits of his social security number. JRD Skinner, never one to be impressed with deductive reasoning, said he could outdo him. Skinner took a DNA sample from Sherlock and a few days later said Sherlock’s father was not who he thought he was. A rather cruel thing to do, but Sherlock never lorded information over another from that day on.

When the time came, the US chose Sarah Palin as a universe embassador representing the world if only she could name all of the continents, a describe exactly what a VP does. She couldn’t do it, as it’s so easy to forget that Africa is actually a continent instead of a country. Fortunately, Tori Nelson accepted the job and is now traveling through the last frontier, going somewhere no man has gone before.

“She does know that VP’s only preside over the Senate on “ceremonial occasions,” right?”

After the last party they went to together, Tiffany A. White stole Holly Golightly’s cat. Holly didn’t even notice.

Malcom Reynolds and Inara were as happy as two bunnies in a burrow until Piper Bayard, the illustrious artists became a boarder on Serenity. They both fell in love with her, and there was more love triangle drama on board that ship than a Telenovela. Jayne adored the passionate drama and was the only one on the ship who was truly happy.

Darlene, the spirit of sleep, knows the exact moment when a sleeping baby is about to wake and so is able to soothe their mind with tranquility and peace and they fall back into a deep sleep. Want to attract her services to your house? Simply leave a bouquet of lavender beside the crib, play a humpback whale call softly out the window, get rid of all yellow ribbons in the house, and tape hot pink lipstick on the side of your house, preferably Maybelline.

Mallard Fillmore’s biggest problem has always been his ego, that’s why when he started working with David Walker and found what a good man looks like he had to eat a few slices of humble pie.

Sonia G. Medeiros is Khal Drogo’s lawyer and let me tell ya, there are a lot of litigation cases when you lead the largest khalasar horde in the DothrakiSea, own a palace in Vaes Dothrak and a nine-towered mansion in Pentos. Khal definitely doesn’t pay Sonia what she deserves.

Percy Jackson has a crush on Marilag Lubag, made evident by the way he lines her walk to school with ice sculptures, instantly refills her water bottle when he sees it depleted, and takes her swimming with his pet dolphins (until they learned she was allergic).

(picture of the first time he saw Marilag)

Do you want your own tall tale? Just leave a comment of any type of color, and in two week’s time you’ll be the STAR in your own tall tale.

Friday Favorites: Heroine

A couple weeks ago I vented about bad heroine in this post. But today, I want to tell you some things I like about heroine.

First of all, there’s nothing that I like about the illicit, powdered kind of heroine. It’s very bad for your health and flattens your dreams flat like a sloth crossing an interstate.

But there is an awful lot of good heroine out there. Of the female variety. The kind of heroine that kicks booty, or creates breathtaking art, or does yoga on the top of Mount Everest, or heals people with her words, or makes a decision and stands by it even when she doesn’t feel like it anymore. The type of heroine that makes you dream.

I have a heap of favorite heroines, but I’m going to share four of my favorites.

Jane Eyre

She’s my all-time favorite literary gal. She had a rotten childhood, but it didn’t rot her heart. Though friends were taken away and family betrayed her she was still willing to love, and be loved. She had a open heart to the world — she soaked up beauty around her. She could handle the sight of blood, and didn’t freak out if someone yelled at her. But most of all, she wouldn’t give up who she was for love. She knew who she was and she wasn’t willing to give that up for a man, even though she loved that man. Her’s is the story of a girl being swept off her feet, and when she is dropped, she doesn’t hold her arms up to be swept up again, rather … she stands up by herself. I LOVE that. That’s good heroine.

Charlie’s Angels

This is my guilty pleasure. I like how over the top the action is. I like their silly dialogue. I like how there’s a dancing dream sequence at the beginning. I like their clothes and makeup and hair. *giggle* I know it’s a dumb movie, but whenever I put it on I always think, “It’s so fun to be a girl!” And to me, that’s good heroine.

Gwen from Jackaroo

This is the book that I read under the covers with a flashlight, long after Mom and Dad had kissed me goodnight. Gwen, the innkeeper’s daughter, has the perfect blend of good qualities (like loyalty, wit, and bravery), and things that drive you crazy (vengeful, stubbornness, prejudice, and the inability to WAKE UP AND SEE THAT BURL REALLY LOVES HER!) She pretends to be the legendary Jackaroo, and when her adventures land her in some serious trouble, she decides to do what it right over what is easy.That’s good heroine.

The Girls in Firefly

Zoe is a rough, tough, loyal, warrior woman with a sense of humor. River is an innocent, brilliant mystery who always does something unexpected and goes crazy at inopportune times. Inara has a gentle and quiet spirit, yet she protects her heart with fierceness. And Kaylee (my favorite), is an adorable, naive, lovable mechanic who is the princess of the bunch. They all have such personality and their characters ring true. Each of them is a really good heroine!

These are only a few of my favorite heroines, and I’ve left out some important ones such as: Hermione, Jo March, Anne Shirley, Sarah Connor, Elinor Dashwood, Veronica Mars, Lizzie & Jane Bennett, and of course, Bianca from The Rescuers.

What about you? Have you come across any good heroine lately?

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