I watched two TV shows:
National Geographic’s The World’s Most Dangerous Drug
and the pilot of
The World’s Most Dangerous Drug is a documentary about meth. Breaking Bad is a fictional show about a meth dealer. They showcased two very different perspectives on meth dealers. Which one can I trust? Well, obviously I can’t trust the documentary — everyone knows they’re biased and have hidden agendas. On the other hand, fictional TV shows are based on truth and fact, and millions of people watch it so it must be good. Besides, Walter White in Breaking Bad is such a sympathetic character! I was rooting for him within the first 5 minutes of the show. I mean, he has a pregnant wife and handicapped son for goodness sake! And he’s such an underdog! I want him to win!
Based on his character, I’ve concluded that meth dealers are right nice chaps. In fact, I think I’m gonna recommend that you date meth dealers! Here are some reasons why:
They Have Money To Burn
Making meth is
not hard work. So naturally it produces good results. Lots of money. So if you love money–date a meth dealer. It’s estimated that a meth dealer makes 1.02 million dollars ($813,600 is profit) with fifteen-hour workweeks and no taxes. Wow! You’d have money to burn:
You’d have money to buy cool things like this:
You’d have money to pimp your ride like this:
Basically, you’d have enough money to do whatever the heck you wanted to. Of course, there is a little problem. Usually meth dealers don’t hold onto that money for very long. But dang, when you do have those benjamins laying around to use as book marks and Kleenexes and hair ties and for betting on turtle races, it’s a heckuva good feeling.
They Lead Exciting Lives With Lots Of Explosions
When you start dealing meth, things are always happening. You get a lot of company coming and going from your house, even folks from different countries (mostly south of the border). That’s always fun. You never know when the police are going to stop in and confiscate all your goods, which makes you all the more thankful and protective of the time you have with them. And speaking of the goods–at any moment your lab could explode in a fiery inferno and burn you to death. If that’s not an adventurous life, I don’t know what is. What girl wouldn’t want that kind of excitement?
They Have Amazing
Oh Lordie! Those guys on meth! Once you and your boyfriend give teens their first taste of meth, just sit back and see what they come up with. They have the funnest stories!
“Honey, there are people hammering daisies into our wall.”
“Oprah is kissing David Letterman.”
“There’s a cow under the sink.”
“Someone’s shooting footballs at me from their eyes.”
“A bird’s crawling out of my thigh.”
“Aliens! Aliens are at the door! They’re reading my mind! They’ve come for my daughter!”
“That’s not the remote, it’s a gun.”
“There are bugs all over my body.”
See what I mean? You wouldn’t even need a TV! You’d never even have to leave your living room! What fun.
They’re Always Changing
Everybody likes change. 64% of affairs take place because the spouse just wants a change (and 45.76% statistics are made up on the spot) So don’t get bored with the same person. What’s cooler than dating someone that will look completely different in five months, twenty-five months, and five years? Policemen say that they can easily tell when someone’s on meth–by their “different” appearance.
(wondering why they have sores on their face? See delusion above about bugs)
It’s Not Their Fault
Now I know there’s a silly little ambiguous “moral” dilemma involved in selling drugs. And then there’s the not so little issue of it being … as some would call it … illegal. Well, real men don’t worry about such issues. I mean, what if you have cancer? What if you’re working two jobs and you’re still not able to pay the bills? What if your wife is pregnant and your son is handicapped and they’ll have a terrible future if you don’t get some extra cash around the house? There’s really no other option. People in those circumstances must sell meth. So before naysayers start griping about drug dealers and how they have no morals, please just understand that it’s not their fault–they were driven to it by their circumstances.
In fact, if you want to support people like that you should start buying meth as well. After all, it’s going to a good cause.
Want to help this family? Buy meth.
Don’t just take my word for it. Watch World’s Most Dangerous Drug and Breaking Bad‘s pilot. See for yourself how much fun it would be to date a meth dealer!