Tall Tale Tuesday: Candyland Wars!



(candy art by Pip & Pop)

Hello hello hello and welcome back to Tall Tale Tuesdays! Warning: this post may induce out of control candy bar eating.

Everyone who commented on last week’s post gets to star in their own tale. Unfortunately, every last commenter got lost in Candyland. Now, some of them enjoyed their stay while others . . . had rather a hard time battling off the sugar high and Lord Licorice.

And now, without futher ado;

Sixteen tall tales, featuring you!

Derek, and Gene Lempp, the world-renowned peppermint stick fencers, almost drowned when they went fishing for a snack in Gloppy’s molasses lake. Luckily, Stephanie Fuller fished them out and they’ve been known as the Three Musketeers ever since.

Pat Newcombe dyed The Kids’ hair an unfortunate shade of pink, which the boy rather liked, but Queen Frostine was so upset about it she wouldn’t let Pat eat any fresh cotton candy from the cotton candy bush for a week!

Amber has been head candy-labeler at the Candyland Research Inc. for more than a decade and the only candy she’s ever been stumped on had caramel, peanut flavor crisp, & milk chocolate. After mulling on it for a year she finally shouted, “dang it! let’s just name it a whatchamacallit!!”

King Kandy has been searching high and low for an outlaw named Larry the Banjo Kid ever since he escaped out of jail. King Kandy now knows better than to use Kit-Kats for prison bars.

During Candyland’s Dark Ages, when the skies were black with dark chocolate clouds and the roads were made of black licorice, there was a girl named Victoria who threw some fresh-picked raspberries into the dark chocolate river and there was much rejoicing.

Yes, Faith is the world-record holder for crunches. No, she did not do them while scorpions crawled across her as the rumor goes. Yes, the candy bar is, in fact, named after her. And no, she does not like it when you call her Crunch.

One day Mr. Mint and Jen Kirchner were felling peppermint trees in the great peppermint forest, and he got a bit cheeky, so she nailed him with a Snickers bar and that is why his voice has been a bit falsetto of late.

No one has ever stared down a dark chocolate panther on the Candy Mountain before Jordan Smith, and no one ever has since then–and lived to tell the tale.

Jolly had the terrible habit of hypnotizing every passerby and making them act like chickens for the rest of their life, until Ryne Douglas Pearson came along and stopped him. When asked how he ever got Jolly to stop, Ryne simply took a bite out of his CRUNCH bar and said, “He’s a Virgo.”

JRD Skinner is the best musician you ever heard; when he lost his bow, he could still play Vivaldi’s Four Seasons using only a spatula, and an Oh Henry!

Have you ever heard about the bounty hunter named Piper Bayard, who’s brought in more crooks than the Kandy police? Whenever she catches a con with her licorice lasso and pixie stix, she always says, “IT’s PAYDAY!” Whether she’s referring to her favorite candy bar, or her thirst for vengeance we’ll never know.

After Gramma Nut ordered all the nuts to be confiscated so she could finish her cottage, The Girl formed an uprising with the squirrels and elephants and won back their nuts…just so The Girl could have her Hershey’s with Almonds after swim practice.

Once, Emilie G. saw sunlight glinting off of something gold at the top of a mountain. She got there so fast her shoes caught on fire, and she was mighty disappointed when it turned out to be gold instead of a Twix bar!

One day when Owen Fuller and Plumpy were playing basketball, Plumpy kept callin’ him “butterfingers,” but Owen just said, “’tis true, I still have a bit of them on my fingers from my last break.”

Princess Lolly has had it out for Renee A. Shuls-Jacobson ever since Renee brought Laffy Taffy to the Summer Sugar High School picnic, wore the same dress as Princess Lolly did, and looked a heckuva lot better in it than she did!

Annie has traveled high and low on Rocky Road, but she never complains and she never gets hungry. To our eternal astonishment.

After Lord Licorice had the Peppermint forest leveled, the Candy Castle burnt to the ground, Gum Drop Mountain eaten by elves, and the Molasses swamp drained, Aanna made an appointment with him. Taking only her pet hummingbird and an Almond Joy, she came out of his throne room two hours later with a proclamation swearing he’d never harm another endangered candy habitat again.

So cowboys, there are your stories. I hope you had as much fun reading them as I did writing them!

And if you wish a taalllll tale to be written about you,

simply leave me a comment with SOMETHING YOU FIND UNDER THE SEA in it,

and you shall get a tale written up about you next week! It’ll be all lies! I promise! What fun.

And, in case you were wondering what tall tale last week was actually true last week, it’s this one:

When my dad visited Cuba on business he was invited to Fidel Castro’s mansion, and when he didn’t drink the wine in front of him Fidel brought out water buffalo milk and they toasted to long life and equality.

Real life is sometimes stranger than fiction. Have a great day, y’all!


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