Tall Tale Tuesday: Truth & Fiction

On Lynn Kelley’s 123rd birthday, her and Napoleon Dynamite invented the cure for cancer. It’s of course rather complicated to explain, I just know it involves cloned cells and llama spit.

Q: Who is the most feared name in pirate history?

A: Blackbeard. (But only because The Dread Pirate Robert’s name was ruined after Wesley mouthed off about how each captain passed down the name)

Bonus question: Who did Wesley elect as the new Dread Pirate Roberts when he went to save Buttercup?

A: Gene Lempp, the guy with his hands on backwards and completely covered in tattoos.

Kathy Owen taught Spiderman how to stop sucking the blood out of the criminals he caught in his webs, she said it was bad for PR.

art by Gabriele Dell’Otto

Amy Stevens (Life from the Trenches) challenged Pippi Longstocking to a horse bench-pressing tournament which lasted for days until Pippi’s pirate papa found a Pegasus that was so heavy that Pippi could only bench press 4 sets and Amy could do 5. Of course, that was only after Amy had eaten her spinach.

Renee A. Schuls-Jacobson officially changed her name to Ivanna Writemore until her novel was finished.

Fairytopia was in danger of being destroyed by Glendora Fudwaters and her toxic morning breath until Susie Lindau created a mouthwash in Glendora Fudwater’s favorite flavor (orange mint) and saved her fairy colony.

Chrystal and Anne of Green Gables were bosom buddies until they took a 18 hour car ride across Canada. Chrystal said Anne got too chatty. And Anne said … well, we don’t know what Anne said as she’s stranded in a gas station somewhere in Alberta.

Robin Hood and his Merry Men were actually shunned by the peasants (even though he truly wanted to do them good), because of their tight, green woolen pants until a milliner named Eden Baylee sewed them some new outfits.

“Why won’t ze peeples let us in their homes?”

“I zink we iz kewl now, ze peeples will luv us, merci, Eden Baylee!”

Sherlock Holmes took one look at JRD Skinner and told him his age, favorite bar, how many children he has, and the last four digits of his social security number. JRD Skinner, never one to be impressed with deductive reasoning, said he could outdo him. Skinner took a DNA sample from Sherlock and a few days later said Sherlock’s father was not who he thought he was. A rather cruel thing to do, but Sherlock never lorded information over another from that day on.

When the time came, the US chose Sarah Palin as a universe embassador representing the world if only she could name all of the continents, a describe exactly what a VP does. She couldn’t do it, as it’s so easy to forget that Africa is actually a continent instead of a country. Fortunately, Tori Nelson accepted the job and is now traveling through the last frontier, going somewhere no man has gone before.

“She does know that VP’s only preside over the Senate on “ceremonial occasions,” right?”

After the last party they went to together, Tiffany A. White stole Holly Golightly’s cat. Holly didn’t even notice.

Malcom Reynolds and Inara were as happy as two bunnies in a burrow until Piper Bayard, the illustrious artists became a boarder on Serenity. They both fell in love with her, and there was more love triangle drama on board that ship than a Telenovela. Jayne adored the passionate drama and was the only one on the ship who was truly happy.

Darlene, the spirit of sleep, knows the exact moment when a sleeping baby is about to wake and so is able to soothe their mind with tranquility and peace and they fall back into a deep sleep. Want to attract her services to your house? Simply leave a bouquet of lavender beside the crib, play a humpback whale call softly out the window, get rid of all yellow ribbons in the house, and tape hot pink lipstick on the side of your house, preferably Maybelline.

Mallard Fillmore’s biggest problem has always been his ego, that’s why when he started working with David Walker and found what a good man looks like he had to eat a few slices of humble pie.

Sonia G. Medeiros is Khal Drogo’s lawyer and let me tell ya, there are a lot of litigation cases when you lead the largest khalasar horde in the DothrakiSea, own a palace in Vaes Dothrak and a nine-towered mansion in Pentos. Khal definitely doesn’t pay Sonia what she deserves.

Percy Jackson has a crush on Marilag Lubag, made evident by the way he lines her walk to school with ice sculptures, instantly refills her water bottle when he sees it depleted, and takes her swimming with his pet dolphins (until they learned she was allergic).

(picture of the first time he saw Marilag)

Do you want your own tall tale? Just leave a comment of any type of color, and in two week’s time you’ll be the STAR in your own tall tale.

Tall Tale Tuesday: Under the Sea

Let me tell you, earthlings, about a few fables I’ve come up with about my friends:

Gene Lempp is the only human who can instantly tell the difference between a male and female sea horse, he says it’s because all females have a perturbed look on their face, which has something to do with the fact that their husbands are pregnant.

When Anne Mhairi, the famous treasure hunter, was asked to find a dead man’s chest she said, “No thank you!! I don’t like the dead. And bringing back only the chest sounds a bit messy.”

Larry Enright finally beat Flipper in a backflip competition, but only because Larry cried out, “Oh no! Sandy and Bud are in trouble!!” and thus successfully distracted the dolphin.

Amber’s such an amazing teacher that she taught an entire school of herring to bring big ships to harbor, thus putting all tug-boats out of business.

When JRD Skinner heard that an Anglerfish was terrorizing one of the norther colonies of Atlantis, he took his vorpal trident in hand (long time the manxome foe he sought) and finally, in the glow of bioluminescent rays, JRD Skinner sliced the beast’s spines and teeth off – thus making it as harmless as a goldfish.

Piper Bayard was drugged and kidnapped by a merciless band of Somalian pirates, but they greatly underestimated what can be stored in mini-skirt pockets, and were “blown away” by the AK-47 she kept in her back pocket. After jumping ship and swimming to shore, she realized her wallet fell out in the ocean, and greatly mourned the loss of her signed picture of Johnny Depp she kept in there. Luckily Nemo found the wallet and promptly returned it. Moral of the story: don’t underestimate mini skirts.

Ryne Douglas Pearson was on a deep sea fishing expedition with Annie when they were attacked by a coven of Sirens! But, as good fortune would have it, they’d just read The Complete Book of Survival: Deep Sea Edition, and knew exactly what to do: Annie covered Ryne’s ears while he sang “Monday Morning” by Fleetwood Mac – the Sirens swam away as fast as they could. Unfortunately, no one was there to cover Annie’s ears.

After thousands of years of research, Owen Fuller finally discovered a way to appease the Cracken without sacrificing a virgin every 7 years: poppyseed crackers, it seems, satisfies the Cracken just as well as a virgin blood. And every girl in the land gave a sigh of relief and learned how to make poppyseed crackers.

David Walker is best friends with a 55 yr old Bowhead Whale, and will give you a nice whale ride if you ask him politely.

When Poseidon heard about Sonia G. Medeiros’ strikingly beautiful brown eyes, he hired a water nymph to paint her portrait, which he put up in his Great Hall and it’s hanging there to this day.

The Good Greatsby recently got fired from his job on the Paradise Cruise Liners for causing a ship-wide panic when he was overheard saying, “Captain’s been eaten by the octopus who lives in the toilets, which wouldn’t be so bad if the Octopus didn’t decide to TAKE OVER AS THE SHIP’S NEW CAPTAIN!” Moral: Don’t believe everything you hear, especially if it involves a toilet-dwelling octopus.

Do you want a tall tale written about you, earthling?

Simply leave a comment with an object you would want if you were stuck on a deserted island, and you’ll get your own tall tale next Tuesday!


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