Tall Tale Tuesday: This Will Date You…

When Gene Lempp watched the ships take off from San Sebastián de la Gomera, he knew what havoc they would wreck in the next native population they “colonized,” so he turned all their ships into great, sea-faring butterflies. But where did the ships come from that landed on the Bahamas on October 12, 1492? Who knows.

(painting by Angel Villaneuva)

On April 24,1884 a star (whom the astronomers called A.M.S.) exploded, and its death sent shocks waves and radiation throughout the universe. A little piece of stardust travelled all the way to earth, and landed itself on a little baby girl’s tongue. The baby grew up to be a very special friend to the stars.

Larry Enright was elected general of the post apocalyptic northern states, his first order of business was to round up every instrument that still existed and put together a band. He said, “without music, the soul of my soldiers will die.”

Every August 25th, since 1985, at precisely 6:04 AM, Renee Shuls-Jacobson takes a bath in honey, marmoset milk, and crushed and powdered orchid petals. We’re still not sure if that’s what gives her such beautiful skin, or if it’s the one thing that keeps her reptilian alien enemies away?

The last time Tori Nelson and The Doctor went to the zoo, an ape with green eyes signed to her: “October 31, 1970.” They jumped into the tardis and stopped Will Rodman from creating the virus that would destroy humanity. Then they travelled back to the zoo, bought the ape that saved humanity, and set him free, (and then rigged the Oscars so that Andy Serkis could win Best Actor.) It was a busy day for them.

Remember the hype about the apocalypse coming in 2012? Yeah, you have Eden Baylee to blame for that. Never heard of Eden Baylee? She’s the one that lives in a fortress built into the Amalfi Coast, plans media frenzies over apocalypses, and carves out crop circles in her spare time.

Susie Lindau found the following photo in her desk, with a date on the back: Jan. 1, 2032. It’s a perfect likeness of her daughter, but she has no idea where it came from. So she can only assume that her daughter will one day be a time-travelling galaxy-travelling bounty hunter. Which is why she pulled her out of space camp this year.

On April 14, 1995, Stacy Green had a picnic in a field of wildflowers, and when she saw a black-eyed susan’s upturned face she sprinkled some of her Sunny Delight on its leaves. To her surprise, they sang her happy birthday in flowerspeak and she goes back every year on her birthday to try to learn more of their language, but they’ve never spoken again.

Tiffany A. White, the famous CSI detective, was called to a homicide crime scene in which it looked like the only plausible explanation was that the dog had shot its owner and then shot itself. Using evidence from archived files dating back to February 16, 1998, she proved that this was another case of an abusive dog owner that just went too far.

Emilie G., the famous historian and sociologist and psychologist and archeologist, was the first to discover that Jesus Christ was not actually born around Jan 1, 1AD, he was born around 4-6 B.C. It has not been concluded if the Freemasons, the Illuminati, or the Hermetic Order of The Golden Dawn have something to do with the mix-up, but Emilie G. is currently under witness protection.

It was K.B. Owen who invented the 3-D virtual reality video game console that every school girl and boy were given the Christmas of 2525. The graphics were so good that children soon forgot to eat, sleep, walk, pee, and breath. By New Years Eve, there was a ban on all of KB Owen’s products for being “too incredibly lifelike.”

Lynn Kelley beat the world record for biggest squash ever carved into an upright bass, beating the previous record that had been held since March 17, 1920.

David N. Walker is an arachnologist who trains his spiders to survive the rigors of space travel. I’m not sure if it’s because he wants to rid our planet of them or not.

Piper Bayard, the famous thespian, is responsible for sharing the wonders of Star Wars to a man eating tribe in the southern seas. Through the power of her tales, they soon changed their ways …and put together an incredible one act play for her based on the characters she told them about…

Prophecies tell of two girls born on two continents on August 12, 1997, one girl full of pure grace and the other full of pure truth. Yet they would understand each other and become best friends. Eden Rebekah, one of the girls of the prophecy, still has not met her match.

February 3. 1959. It started out like any other day. That is, until the DINOSAURS BURST OUT OF THEIR UNDERWATER CAVES AND ATTACKED THE WORLD! Historians say that if JRD Skinner hadn’t banded with the creatures, humanity would’ve had a chance. But he did, and became ruler of San Francisco in the age of dino utopia.

That was fun! Do you want to star in your own tall tale? Just comment below. I hope you do. Yes, you! You there in the back. I hope you comment.

If you want a tall tale written about you in two weeks time, just leave a comment below with a random character’s name.

Tall Tale Tuesday: Head & Shoulders Knees & Toes

Ah, I see you’re back for more tall tales. I’m not sure why you want to put yourself at the mercy of my imagination, as it can get rather upside down and inside out in there, but I’m so happy that you’re here that I’ll try to make your tall tales as painless as possible for you. TRY, I said. No promises.

Gene Lempp travelled seven days into the Bering Sea with only his sailboat, and when he got to Barrow, Alaska, he travelled seven more days on the back of a great Elk he’d befriended, and when the Elk left him over a drunken poker fight, Gene Lempp travelled seven more days on foot and when he came to his pen-pal’s house in the frigid Alaskan wilds all he found was a cabin and a frozen pinkie finger. He’d always wondered how that pinkie finger managed to write him those letters.

Much to her utter popularity in frat houses, and utter embarrassment at her grandmother’s house, Anne Mhairi Simpson is the originator of belly shots, though she thinks the name kind of stupid because a belly button full of alcohol should hardly be called a shot.

Larry Enright was the best magician the Merlin had ever fought. Their battle was fierce for they both wanted the last remains of the unicorn mustache. When the unicorn  heard of their duel he was so disgusted that he turned them both into newts and all their magic was lost. And I’m pretty sure that’s why the Western Civilization fell into the Dark Ages.

When Eden Baylee, the space cowgirl, arrived at the Pleiades Multi-Universe Beauty Competition the alien organizer disqualified her from the show because she was the only creature with lips and they thought that gave her an unfair advantage.

JRD Skinner’s karate sensei gazed at his right ankle and said, “That will be the death of you one day.” And that’s why JRD Skinner fashioned protection for his weak spot and is known as Iron Boot, though he’s still paranoid about his left ankle.

Sonia G Medeiros can look at your earlobes and know what your next sin is going to be. She’s says it’s a blessing and a curse — but her children and husband only see it as a curse.

Have you ever heard of the professional toy dog cosmetologist named Renee Schuls-Jacobson? She gives puppy pedicures, hair cuts/perms/dyes, and even puts mascara on the outermost corner of the eyelashes. Though she only accepts her fees in gold dabloons, her clients swear by her.

(Westminster dog show)

Writerwannabe2011 is a uvula specialist but she always gets the strangest looks after she tells people that … and always enlightens them by explaining that it has nothing to do with pap smears.

Chris A. didn’t tell anyone about the Chimaera he saw while cliff diving on the Amalfi Coast. He didn’t share how he saved a baby goat from its clutches and was locked in an epic battle until he finally defeated it using his parachute and protein bars. And he always tells everyone he lost his left pinky toe to a mowing accident … but I have my suspicions.

Lynn Kelley can smell a French silk pie from a mile away — but only with her left nostril. If she ever knocks on your door just as you’re cutting into your French silk pie be sure to let her in cause she always brings chocolate covered raspberries to eat with it.

As K.B. Owen read Ten Apples Up On Top to The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Winnie the Pooh (who had a raging sinus infection) accidentally stepped on The Very Hungry Caterpillar and K.B. Owen has been in mourning so if you see her, it’d be best not to mention Ten Apples Up On Top.

So that you have it, tigers. Your very own tall tales! hehe. It was quite fun. Let’s do it again next week!!

Just write a comment with a form of transportation and come back in two weeks for your very own tall tale featuring you!

And tell your friends, cause … I love to make up tales about people. People like you, especially.

Tall Tale Tuesday: Under the Sea

Let me tell you, earthlings, about a few fables I’ve come up with about my friends:

Gene Lempp is the only human who can instantly tell the difference between a male and female sea horse, he says it’s because all females have a perturbed look on their face, which has something to do with the fact that their husbands are pregnant.

When Anne Mhairi, the famous treasure hunter, was asked to find a dead man’s chest she said, “No thank you!! I don’t like the dead. And bringing back only the chest sounds a bit messy.”

Larry Enright finally beat Flipper in a backflip competition, but only because Larry cried out, “Oh no! Sandy and Bud are in trouble!!” and thus successfully distracted the dolphin.

Amber’s such an amazing teacher that she taught an entire school of herring to bring big ships to harbor, thus putting all tug-boats out of business.

When JRD Skinner heard that an Anglerfish was terrorizing one of the norther colonies of Atlantis, he took his vorpal trident in hand (long time the manxome foe he sought) and finally, in the glow of bioluminescent rays, JRD Skinner sliced the beast’s spines and teeth off – thus making it as harmless as a goldfish.

Piper Bayard was drugged and kidnapped by a merciless band of Somalian pirates, but they greatly underestimated what can be stored in mini-skirt pockets, and were “blown away” by the AK-47 she kept in her back pocket. After jumping ship and swimming to shore, she realized her wallet fell out in the ocean, and greatly mourned the loss of her signed picture of Johnny Depp she kept in there. Luckily Nemo found the wallet and promptly returned it. Moral of the story: don’t underestimate mini skirts.

Ryne Douglas Pearson was on a deep sea fishing expedition with Annie when they were attacked by a coven of Sirens! But, as good fortune would have it, they’d just read The Complete Book of Survival: Deep Sea Edition, and knew exactly what to do: Annie covered Ryne’s ears while he sang “Monday Morning” by Fleetwood Mac – the Sirens swam away as fast as they could. Unfortunately, no one was there to cover Annie’s ears.

After thousands of years of research, Owen Fuller finally discovered a way to appease the Cracken without sacrificing a virgin every 7 years: poppyseed crackers, it seems, satisfies the Cracken just as well as a virgin blood. And every girl in the land gave a sigh of relief and learned how to make poppyseed crackers.

David Walker is best friends with a 55 yr old Bowhead Whale, and will give you a nice whale ride if you ask him politely.

When Poseidon heard about Sonia G. Medeiros’ strikingly beautiful brown eyes, he hired a water nymph to paint her portrait, which he put up in his Great Hall and it’s hanging there to this day.

The Good Greatsby recently got fired from his job on the Paradise Cruise Liners for causing a ship-wide panic when he was overheard saying, “Captain’s been eaten by the octopus who lives in the toilets, which wouldn’t be so bad if the Octopus didn’t decide to TAKE OVER AS THE SHIP’S NEW CAPTAIN!” Moral: Don’t believe everything you hear, especially if it involves a toilet-dwelling octopus.

Do you want a tall tale written about you, earthling?

Simply leave a comment with an object you would want if you were stuck on a deserted island, and you’ll get your own tall tale next Tuesday!


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