Tall Tale Tuesday: Just a Watch

Drinking tea is harmless, right? Maybe for all except Gene Lempp, who can see the future in the tea leaves. So, what? You say. The scary part is he can also change the future by re-arranging the leaves. And he’s also is a pinpoint-accurate tea saucer thrower. A rather deadly combination.

Duels with swords? That’s easy. Rapier wit duels? Not so safe. Kathy Owen defeated more than 124 men and women in 17th century France with her powerful puns, savage satire, rapid fire wit, and killer jabs — until she became so cocky she challenged The Bard himself to a rapier wit duel, in which she lost and he forced her to write three plays for him, which he kept the profits on.

Larry Enright’s complete nuttiness defeated Count Dracula, at the cost of his own life. He’s the only one who knew about the Count’s allergy — so he ate buckeye pie for five days straight. The next time Dracula raided the town, he got a nasty surprise when he bit into Larry.

After reading The Scarlet Pimpernel, Susie Lindau knew just what to do when she faced her nemesis who had only one flaw: he frequently used snuff. So when Dr. Monstrosity caught Susie at her favorite diner and handcuffed her to the table, she wasn’t worried. She pick pocketed his snuff box when he was busy fiddling with the dials of his molecular evaporator gun, she sprinkled a bit of pepper into his snuff and put it back in his pocket. When he opened it up for a victory sniff, he was overtaken with painful sneezing and all she had to do was use the gun to evaporate her handcuff and get away. It is unclear whether he is still uses snuff or not.

Piper Bayard and her cat named Sims climbed Mount Everest together, swam the English Channel together, and then became the most famous Luchador team Mexico City has ever seen.Sonia G. Medeiros is one of the most talented spies in the world, but one time at a cafe she read her watch hands wrong and surprise attacked the weapon’s dealer 15 minutes too early. Luckily, she was able to survive until her team arrived by using her littler derringer, chopsticks, and stilettos. What’d she get from her team for Christmas? A digital watch.

Elise Andrews was awful prejudice against all belgium waffles. It didn’t matter if they had strawberries, chocolate chips, or whipped cream … she never gave them a chance. In fact, she hated them so much that anytime she saw a belgium waffle she’d steal it off of it’s plate and throw it into the gutter. She was known as the belgium waffle thrower, and continental breakfasts all over town feared her. That is, until one day her elevator got stuck with only her and a belgium waffle and after two hours alone with it, she decided that she’d misjudged belgium waffles after all. Nom nom nom.

Renee Schuls-Jacobson, the fierce Amazonian princess, ruled over her subjects with judgement in her right hand and punishment in her left hand, she was constantly in a bad mood, and all her subjects regarded her with fear and trembling. Until one day Renee’s royal cook served her honey horseradish ham with a side of yams. The meal changed the princess’ whole countenance. And from that day on she was the wisest, most gracious of all rulers … as long as she had some honey horseradish ham with a side of yams for supper.

Shut away in a top-secret prison in the Canary Islands, the only thing the government gave Tiffany A. White was a daily bowl of spinach and rice, and a remote control for the TV she could watch through a window (she claimed it violated the Geneva Convention if they didn’t let her watch TV). Unfortunately for the government, they underestimated both remotes and Tiffany A. White. She re-wired the remote to control all electronic devises in the prison, and toyed with the prison guards’ computers and cell phones, waiting patiently for the perfect opportunity to free herself.

Of course you’ve heard of Jess Witkins and her killer frisbee–they defeated nine countries in fifteen days, cleaning out each royal treasury and kidnapping all handsome men to do who knows what with them. Of course, Jess Witkins was never caught, the men never heard of again, but her pet wooly mammoth named frisbee is now on display at the Chicago Field Museum.

The Company tied Lynn Kelley to a chair. They thought they had her. Little did they know how sinister she was….she began singing the soap-on-a-rope limerick in her chipmunk voice and by the end of the first verse they begged her to stop and by the end of the seventh they were blubbering like babies and by the end of the fifteenth they cut her bonds and let her go free. At least, that’s what she said. Who knows if they survived the ordeal.

JRD Skinner created the lightning fast twin hooks, the deadly diverse kusari gama, the machine-gun crossbow Chu-Ko-Nu, and worst of all: chili dogs. Oh yes, JRD Skinner created the chili concoction that was served to the Persian Immortals and wiped out their entire army for a week. Some say they even killed each other to get to the latrine. حذار من الفلفل الحار Beware the Chili.

Picnic Utensil War of 1993: Gloria Oliver led the bunny rabbit rebellion against Chuck Norris and his gang of beavers. Although Norris and his gang used brute force and sporks, they were no match against Gloria, her bunny rabbits, and their deadly accurate bows shooting drinking straws. In picnic valley, you can still see beaver remains with straws through their heads.

In Monaco, Eden Baylee is forbidden to walk down the street. She turns so many driver’s heads the traffic cops told her it’d be safer for everyone for her just to take a cab.

If you like a tall tale, or two, or three … then you should sign up for one of your own! It’s completely free with a $10 purchase. Ha! no. That was a lie. It’s just free fun.

So … what are you waiting for?

Write a comment below with the name of a fictional character, and in two weeks time you’ll be the star of your own tall tale!

Happy trails.


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